A place of adventures

Fluff Loves Muse

2009-11-14T18:16:00.000-08:00

This video is Fluff's favorite music video. I think she fancies the angry bear with fangs.

What's Good for the Goose

2006-10-14T11:42:00.000-07:00

Fluff and Friedrick sat huddled in a dark corner of a dimly lit café. In an effort to disguise themselves, they wore disguises, thus disguising their most disguisable features. Yes, they wore disguises, in case you were wondering. Fluff wore dark sunglasses, much like a Hollywood starlet longing for attention but wearing shades in an attempt to not look quite so desperate. Friedrick wore a fedora pulled low over his face as well as a trench coat that was a bit too large. And despite all of these methods of camouflage, they both still looked remarkably like teddy bears. But this was not a problem, due to the aforementioned dim lighting in the café. There, in the corner of that restaurant, sipping their hot chocolates, the bears began to plot.

“I think that we should start here,” Fluff whispered, pointing one paw at a point on a map spread across their table. Her paw stuck to the map for a moment due to the Bit-O-Honey caught between her claws. She really loves her sticky confections.
Friedrick shook his head. “No,” he said. “This is the best place to begin.” He jabbed a finger (do teddy bears have fingers? Discuss) at a point on the map across from Fluff’s desired location.

These two tenacious teddy bears were recently home from a trip to Germany where they had watched many soccer games, eaten much bratwurst, learned to make strange, guttural noises with the phlegm at the backs of their throats, and flirted with many German Wookies (that last bit may just have been Fluff, but she would deny it all. Except for the soft words of love whispered by that last Wookie who may or may not have been Chewbacca in disguise. She would never deny her beloved Chewbacca. But that is a tale for another time when I need to blackmail Fluff. Ahem. Where were we? Ah, yes. Right here).

Having returned from Germany, they arrived just in time to participate in the county fair. They had traveled to be with Wodin the Wise and help her conquer the events and sights of the fair whilst entering their own competition. You see, Fluff had recently acquired a very large goose, and she was determined to enter the goose in the fair and see if she could win first prize. First prize would be elusive, seeing as Jimmy McFarland—the local goose farmer and winner of the Goose Gold Medal for the past six years running—was entering not one but three geese into the competition.

However, this has little to do with what Friedrick and Fluff were doing at the dimly lit café. They had been preparing for the fair for several weeks now, but they were currently looking for the best way to see all of the sights at the fair in the most efficient, most pleasure-inducing manner they could possibly manage. Fluff’s desired point of commencement of the fair tour was by the rides and ending by the rodeo ring (though she remains devoted to a certain hirsute gentleman of about 7ft. 2 inches, she does enjoy a nice, strapping young cowboy). Friedrick wanted to start by the animal barns and end with the craft barn (Friedrick will rarely admit to it, but he loves anything crafty. This is one of the reasons Martha Stewart has a restraining order out against him. One of the reasons. There are others that, for legal reasons, neither Friedrick nor I are at liberty to mention. But Fluff is under no obligation whatsoever, so she totally wants to you call her!).

Just as Friedrick and Fluff were about to begin arguing again about which location they wished to start with, a familiar finger jabbed at another sector of the map, and declared, “Here. We begin and end here.” The finger demonstrated a circular pathway across the map, beginning and ending at the food stalls. The bears looked up and beheld that it was Wodin, and that more specifically, Wodin had started at the Elephant Ear stand and ended at the Lemonade stand. Fluff smiled in gratitude, and Friedrick whispered, “Genius! Pure genius!” Wodin blushed modestly before pulling up a chair to join the convocation. With a single motion, however, she swept away the map, and both of their hot chocolates. Friedrick looked at the floor where his hot chocolate was pooling and whimpered.

“Forget that,” said Wodin. “We have problems: Wayne Newton is scheduled to perform at the fair on the day of the Goose Judging Contest. That, and I just learned that painting a goose’s toenails is just not done for an event like the county fair.”
Friedrick and Fluff both gasped, but for different reasons. Friedrick had gasped because he had thought that Wayne Newton was still under house arrest in Las Vegas. Fluff had gasped because she had been longing to try a new color of nail polish on Glinda The Good Goose called “Cheap French Whore.” It was a simply divine color red, and Fluff was devastated. “Why must the potholes of the world overwhelm us?” she cried.

“There, there,” soothed Friedrick.

“Where?”

“Never mind.”

“Bears!” barked Wodin sharply, and their heads snapped in Wodin’s direction. “We must work on preparing two plans: one to conquer Wayne Newton, and the other how to beat that dirty rat, Jimmy McFarland, at the fair.”

The bears knew Wodin was correct, and so they began to plan…

The day of the Goose Judging Contest found the bears hard at work on their plans with Wodin supervising the last touches. Fluff was using a toothbrush to buff Glinda The Good Goose’s beak, and Friedrick was carefully smoothing each feather into place. Glinda The Good Goose was sleek and beautiful, her gray and white feathers carefully preened and orange beak polished to a sheen. She honked softly and waddled across the room in her most graceful manner, practicing for the moment when she would be asked to waddle for the judges. Wodin was not watching them closely, because she was working on their plan to prevent Wayne from interfering with their day. She was dressed entirely in camouflage and wore a dark beanie on her head, and her face was smudged with camouflage grease paint. She leaned over a diagram of the performance area, and in her teeth she held clamped a knife. She looked serious. Or some would say seriously deranged, but that would be their word against hers, and who’s holding the knife, hmm? That’s right, no one dares insult someone who fancies herself a Jedi master when she clutches a knife.

Anyway, she folded the diagram and put it into her pocket. Fluff herded Glinda into her cage for transport, and Friedrick sucked on his thumb where Fluff closed the cage on it. Then they met in the middle of the room and huddled, heads together, like a football team.

“Remember,” advised Wodin, “that the plan depends upon our precision.”

Fluff added, “And hoping the judge is really cute so I can flirt with him.”

Friedrick stared at Fluff, who blushed and asked, “Did I say that out loud?” and Friedrick nodded. “Oh my.”

When they arrived at the fairgrounds, Wodin took up position near the performance stage, and Friedrick and Fluff headed straight back to the animal barns, Friedrick only glancing wistfully once as they passed the Elephant Ear stand. They set her cage in the designated spot between a perfectly white goose and one whose beak was strange. Next to these geese, Friedrick and Fluff felt completely confident in their ability to take Glinda to victory. They were smugly congratulating themselves when they heard a voice behind them.

“Well, well, well. What have we here? The teddy bear’s picnic?”

Friedrick and Fluff turned around slowly to face the owner of the voice, who was none other than Jimmy McFarland. Fluff tried to smile politely, but it turned out a grimace of bared teeth and the hint of a growl. Friedrick simply stood stunned.
Jimmy continued, “You think that you can beat me? I don’t think so. My three geese are going to take first, second and third places, and there’s nothing your silly little goose can do about it.” At this, Glinda honked at Jimmy, and if geese could have expressions, hers was quite malevolent indeed. Jimmy just laughed and turned to leave, but paused at the door to the barn and said before leaving, “It’ll take more than that to intimidate me!”

Back at the performance venue, Wodin skulked around the back listening for gossip. Most of it was something about two people named John and Marsha, who were apparently having a torrid affair (is an affair always torrid? Discuss), but very little of it applied to Wayne Newton. Finally, in her spying, she came a cross a piece of useful gossip.

“No one will even notice the difference anyway,” said one stagehand,” after all, it’s not like Wayne has been on his game lately. He’s been too distracted by his mental issues.”

“Yeah, but are you sure those diehard fans won’t notice?” replied another stagehand.

“Nah. The Wayne Newton impersonator is better than the real guy! The fans will think he finally has his act together, and Wayne Newton will get a chance to see the Goose Judging Contest, like he really wanted to do.”

Wodin gasped. This would mean that instead of prepping in his guest room, Wayne would be heading to the goose barn at this very moment! Wodin popped out of her hiding space, frightening the two stagehands, and dashed out.

“What was that?” asked the second stagehand.

“Just one of those nuts that always shows up at small county fairs. You know those kinds of weirdos.” The other one nodded, and they went back to fiddling with the equipment.

In the meantime, the Goose Judging Contest was about to start. Fluff was nervous and nibbling on her claws. Fluff was hoping that she would be able to bat her eyelashes at the judge and get some bonus points for flirting. Friedrick was slightly confused, because he wasn’t sure what to do. After all, he wasn’t the handler of the goose, and he had little to be involved with, but Fluff insisted that he stay. All of the other goose handlers were concerned with their own birds, particularly Jimmy McFarland, who was shooting superior glances at any would-be contender who met his eyes. “Jimmy,” whispered Fluff to Friedrick, “is a supercilious jerk.” Friedrick nodded and kept his eyes focused on Glinda.

Unnoticed by both of our tenacious teddy bears, however, was a certain Las Vegas singer who casually strolled in to the goose barn and began to look at the geese. Just then, a hush fell over the barn as a group of people holding clipboards marched in, and a whisper of, “The judges!” rippled through the geese handlers. Friedrick looked up and stared, and Fluff smoothed her fur with her paw and batted her eyelashes. Then she stopped. Not one of the judges was a cute young man. In fact, several were women. This would not work. “Flirt!” she hissed at Friedrick.

“Huh?”

“You have to bat your eyes at those women judges! They will totally fall all over you and think you are adorable, and you have to win it for us!”

Friedrick was taken aback, but he was a good brother, so he obediently batted his eyelashes and made silly smiles at the judges; however, Friedrick wasn’t very talented at flirting, and instead of looking charming, he looked rather menacing. The overall effect was quite problematic, so Fluff whacked him on the arm, and he stopped. “What?” he asked. “I can bat my eyes faster. Look—” and he batted his eyes furiously.

“No, no. Stop that. It’s grotesque,” said Fluff. “We’ll just have to win on merit.”

The judges began to make the rounds, starting with a breed of goose from Winnemucca. Through a window at one end of the barn, Wodin breathlessly peered, searching for the errant Mr. Newton. And there he was! Standing not fifteen feet from Glinda’s cage!

Wodin leapt through the window, tearing the mesh screen and yodeling like a mad Swiss sailor in Singapore. Everyone in the barn looked up, terrified. Wayne Newton, especially, appeared shocked as a panic crept into his eyes. Wodin struck a karate pose and began flailing her arms about and shouting to Wayne that she dared him to come closer. It was only then that he noticed the bears. For you see, he was not there to create trouble; he was simply there as part of his tour around the country. In fact, he had not known that the bears would be in that barn, and he began to whimper and sob at the sight of them.

Wodin stopped her frantic attempts at defense and stared at the distraught singer. She suddenly felt quite bad for how she had acted. He had held no sinister plan towards her beloved bears, and if she had not overreacted, perhaps he never would have noticed them. Sadly, she pulled a Kleenex from the pocket of her cargo pants and handed it to Wayne. He took it from her, and looked at her wonderingly.

“I’m sorry,” she said, and left the barn in shame. Wayne blew his nose, got up off the cement floor, and wandered off. Reports differ as to what he did next, but it is almost certain that he eventually ended up at a lake in a neighboring county, wearing nothing but swim trunks, a swimming facemask, a snorkel, and flippers. He also was still holding the Kleenex in one hand, quite tear-stained.

In the Goose Judging Contest, however, the goose judging continued, with several thoughtful glances and approving nods from the judges when they observed Jimmy McFarland’s geese. Finally, Glinda was up. The judges looked at her webbed feet. They looked at her highly polished beak. They looked at her feathers. They looked at her wings. They looked into her eyes. They made her walk about her area so they could see the waddle. And then they moved on. Fluff wasn’t sure what to think, but Friedrick thought he saw one of the judges wink at him, so he told Fluff that they had every chance in the world.

Three more geese were judged, then the judges conferred for a time, before the spokeswoman stood before them, and everyone in the barn listened intently. “You have shown yourselves to be competent geese handlers with lovely, healthy geese. However, there can only be three geese that win prizes. Third place goes to Good For The Gander, shown by Mary Anne Slater!” Mary Anne Slater jumped for joy and hugged her goose and ran to the front to receive her ribbon and prize money. Jimmy McFarland frowned slightly, but he wasn’t worried; he still had first and second prize to win.

The judge continued, “Next we have second prize, going to a lovely little goose, Duchess Of Wingsor, shown by Jimmy McFarland!” Jimmy grinned, and walked to the front to receive his ribbon, confident that he would also be receiving first prize as well.

“Finally, we have first prize of a blue ribbon, the Goose Gold Medal, and five hundred dollars, which goes to newcomer Glinda The Good Goose and her handler Fluff!” Fluff shrieked with joy and Jimmy’s jaw dropped open with disbelief. Friedrick and Fluff rejoiced for a moment, and Glinda honked happily, but then Friedrick said, “We must share the news with Wodin,” and Fluff’s face grew grave. “Yes,” she said. “We must find Wodin.”

Wodin wasn’t difficult to find. She was crying under a tree eating an Elephant Ear. “Buck up, li’l lady!” said Friedrick encouragingly. “We’ve won, and by gum, Fluff’s happier than a bull with an earring!” Wodin looked up, confused by the last comment.

“But I’ve messed up! I thought Wayne was coming for you again, but he wasn’t, and then I scared him, and now I’m going to be sued, and I will go to,” Wodin took a deep breath, “jaaiilll!” she wailed, and recommenced crying into her Elephant Ear.
Fluff sat down next to Wodin.

“Does he know your name?”

Wodin stopped. “Well, no,” she admitted.

“Does he know it was you?”

“No.”

Will he be believed if he takes you to court?”

“Well he has all of those witnesses…”

“But is he sane enough to think of that, or even sane enough to think of taking you to court?”

“Well, no.”

“And, finally,” Fluff asked, “do you think he would want to see any of us anywhere, ever again, even in court?”

“No,” sniffed Wodin.

“Well, then, you have nothing to worry about. Now, I say we go spend our prize money on rides.”

Friedrick, Fluff, and Wodin got up and marched over to the Ferris wheel, and they rode for many an hour. Wayne Newton never did sue them, mostly because he had a traumatic memory loss which caused him to forget how he came to be at that nearby lake in swim trunks and snorkel gear, and his memory loss included the frightening experience at the hands of Wodin the Ninja. Jimmy McFarland attempted to appeal the Goose Judging Contest decision, claiming that teddy bears could not enter geese into the competition, but he was emphatically denied in his appeal, so he went home and sulked, and planned his revenge against those two tenacious teddy bears. And Wodin made herself a pledge: “I will never attack based on unsubstantiated intelligence again.” And that was that, and everyone was happy, except for Glinda The Good Goose, whom they roasted for Christmas dinner that year.

Well, folks, that’s it for this installment of the Chronicles of Friedrick and Fluff. May your sojourns in the world be without any Wayne Newtons, and may you not be Glinda The Good Goose. This story is brought to you by the letters S and F, and the Friedrick and Fluff Guide to Toilet Travel. Stay tuned for the next tale of derring-do, wherein the bears work towards their life-long goal of space flight and where a large sea slug threatens their attempts. Until next time, remember that if you have a marble, it is better to put it in a flowerpot than a cookie.

A Wedding of Lovely Proportions

2006-07-08T09:42:00.000-07:00

Well, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, children of all ages, it has been far too long since you have seen a story about our Lovely Lola. So here is a story detailing the conclusion of her Lovely Wedding! Read, enjoy, but do not set fire to anything. Fluff would not approve.

“I’ll tell you what I want, what I really, really want. So tell me what you want, what you really, really want… Lala… Hmmmmm… Lalala…”

Lola was dancing about her bedroom, listening to some very loudly playing Spice Girls music and singing along whenever she remembered the words. Why was this Lovely girl doing this? Because she was about to be married in three days. Several months earlier she had found a Lovely dress, her bridesmaids’ dresses were nearly finished, and the firefighter themed decorations were nearly ready. What could possibly go wrong?

Just as she was dancing particularly vigorously, the phone rang, and she paused in mid-splits. Answering the phone, she heard some ominous news: Wayne Newton had, once again, been released to a residential rehab home.

“When the time is right, “cautioned Fluff, “he will strike. Beware the man driven insane by tenacious teddy bears.”

Lola hung up the phone and began to fret. First she furrowed her brow, creasing it into many lines. Next she began to bite her lower lip. And finally, she began to flap one hand repeatedly, saying over and over again (when not biting her lip, that is), “He’s coming! He’s coming!” And so it went like that for three hours, during which time she was supposed to be gluing the last of the glittery spangles to her shoes. Instead, her shoes remained plain, and Lola’s lip began to swell.

***

Meanwhile, back at the ranch… Or, really, back at Wodin’s house, Wodin was busy adding the final spangles to the Bridesmaids’ shoes. They looked fantastic. Because the wedding was firefighter themed, she was gluing the spangles in a pattern that looked like flames. They were oh-so-lovely. She knew Lola would love them “Lola…” Wodin said aloud, suddenly remembering that Wayne Newton had been released, and it would only be a matter of time before he showed up. And thanks to Fluff’s inclusion in the wedding party, the tabloids had been all over, sniffing about for tidbits on the big day. One of those loose-lipped ninnies from Inside Edition was bound to let something slip, and there Wayne would find his opening and show up, just in time to ruin everything. Wodin knew there was something that had to be done. She placed the last spangle on the last shoe, put the glue gun down, and went to the telephone call in a favor to a friend…

***

At that moment, while Wodin was making a call and Fluff and Lola were working on the final touches for the reception, Friedrick was desperately searching for the proper gift for Lovely Lola and Oscar Olvidadizo. The mall was a confusing place to be, even when not confronted by people who looked suspiciously like Sigmund Freud, Billy the Kid and Socrates, but when he came across what appeared to be a rather violent Genghis Khan, Friedrick nearly broke down and cried, “Why do the cockroaches always scurry under bright light?” he wailed.

As he curled up under a necktie stand and began to weep, he heard a familiar voice that immediately made him imagine he was Han Solo.

“Yoo hoo! You under the tie stand! Don’t you recognize me?”

Friedrick opened his tightly closed eyes and looked up, and who should be standing above him but the ever-lovely Carrie Fisher! Friedrick believed she looked like an angel sent to rescue him, but some would just say that was because Carrie Fisher was backlit and appeared to glow. But those people would be kill-joys who deserve to be stomped on, so we will ignore them for now. Ahem. What was I saying? Oh yes, that Carrie Fisher had arrived, appearing quite angelic.

Friedrick reached a paw up to Carrie’s outstretched hand, and she took it to pull him up from his despair and out from under the table. She grimaced only slightly at the sticky Bit O’ Honey on his paw, and otherwise smiled at him, just like she smiled at those little Ewoks in that one movie. “Now,” she said, “what’s the matter?”

Friedrick gulped and began to tell the tale of the wedding, the dress, the Wayne, and the shopping. Carrie slightly frowned, then said, “There’s a wedding, and I wasn’t invited?” Her chin quivered a bit, then tears filled her lovely brown eyes, and finally, one large tear dropped from her brimming eye and rolled down her cheek, splashing on the top of Friedrick’s head. Friedrick felt as though he were in quite a pickle. Not literally, however, because if he were in a literal pickle, he would just eat his way out; he loved pickles. But he was in, shall we say, a dilemma. He wanted to find a gift for Lola, and he wanted Carrie to not cry on his head—her tears were rather large and soaked his fur easily—but he felt he could not simply invite Carrie to the Wedding. So he did it anyway.

“Listen Carrie,” he said soothingly, “I am sure your invitation was lost in the mail. I’ll give you a new invitation if you help me pick a gift.” Carrie beamed at this, wiped the tears from her eyes, and then proclaimed, “I thought you’d never ask!” and whisked Friedrick off on the shopping spree of his life. By the end of the evening, a lovely gift had been chosen and wrapped (a crystal vase in the shape of a toilet), and Friedrick had given Carrie his own invitation, knowing that he could share Fluff’s invitation. The Wedding was only three days away…

***

Those three days passed with a speed rivaled only by gazelles on the plains of Africa, if time ran around on four legs, or if gazelles resembled the fourth dimension. Regardless, the day appeared when Lovely Lola was to marry Oscar Olvidadizo and become Lovely Lola Olvidadizo, and she had butterflies in her stomach (not literally, because that would be gross. But it felt as though her stomach were filled with small fluttering wings; it seemed remarkably like she had to throw up. It was a curious sensation).

The chapel was decorated in a most lovely fashion, with small silver fire hydrants along the aisle, and the bridesmaid dresses were a lovely fire engine red, and the reception site would have large lit torches, and all of the food service people would be wearing fire fighter outfits, complete with suspenders, galoshes, and red hats. Lola was ever so excited, and she was more than ready for marriage. She was so distracted, however, that she did not notice that one of the ushers at the church looked suspiciously familiar…

At the church, things were in an uproar. The media were banned from the ceremony, but reporters flocked around the church and peppered each guest and participant with silly questions. “When is Lola going to star in a television show?” one would ask, and then another would shout out, “Is Lola prepared for marriage to someone who doesn’t know how to tap-dance?” And then another would call out, “Is Chewbacca here yet?” Oh, wait, that isn’t a question from a reporter, but from Fluff, peeking out the church door to see if he had arrived (even though it was Lola’s wedding, Fluff had sent Chewbacca an invitation, hoping that in the atmosphere of a wedding, he would come to his senses and fall madly in love with her. It was a good try, but Chewbacca’s agent had been very choosy about they places Chewy went, and the agent had decided that Lola’s wedding was not to be one of those selective events. Ahem. But this is a story about Lola, not Fluff’s proclivities towards hirsute gentlemen with limited vocabularies. Back to the wedding).

All of the guests were there (including Carrie Fisher, dressed in a lovely yellow dress), all of the members of the wedding party were there, and the officiate—a last minute inclusion at Wodin’s insistence—waited at the front of the chapel wearing a lovely suit and bushy eyebrows. Music began to play as the attendants began to walk down the aisle—First Claudette, then Wodin, then Fluff, and finally, Lola, escorted by her father. Her mother burst into tears at this sight.

Lola stood at the front of the chapel next to Oscar, and beamed at him. The officiate opened his mouth to speak, but before he could get a single word out, the suspicious-looking, hulking usher suddenly jumped forth and began to cackle evilly.
“You thought I wouldn’t find you? Well, I am Wayne Newton! I can find anyone, Danke Shon! You like firemen so much? Well let’s see if they will come to rescue you from a burning chapel!” With that, Wayne struck a match, and then continued to laugh with a crazy glint in his eye and stare at the flame.

Lola was frightened. Oscar stepped in front of her protectively. At that moment, a door to the small bathroom at the side of the chapel opened; there was a whooshing noise, and then up popped Friedrick! He was much learned in the ways of the force, and he wielded his light saber with ease and deftness. When Darth Vader ran towards him, he… Oops. Sorry. Where was this going? Ah, right here: Up popped Friedrick, and he tumbled through the air, landing on the pulpit at the front of the chapel. He and Fluff locked eyes, and Wayne began to twitch. Oscar looked at Lola and whispered, “El casarse es muy difícil cuando los animales salen del inodoro.” Lola looked up at him lovingly; his wisdom (translated here as “Getting married is difficult when animals come out of the toilet.”) made her even more certain that he was the man for her. Just then, Wodin jumped up from where she was sitting with the other attendants and shouted, “Steve, it’s time to call in that favor!”

The officiate ripped off his two bushy eyebrows and his lovely suit, revealing khaki shorts and shirt, and shouted, “Crikey! Ah’m gonna git this one good!” It was Steve Irwin! Fluff had once saved him from the jaws of a possessed cayman, and he was here to repay the debt. He grabbed a length of rope, and then jumped upon the fiendish Wayne Newton and extinguished the match with a single puff, and the continued to truss Wayne up like the slimy lizard he was. When all was said and done, Fluff, Friedrick, Wodin and Steve set the bound and gagged evildoer in the toilet. Wayne’s eyes grew wild, and he began to shake his head and grunt. No one was sure what he was saying, but before anyone could ask him what was being said, Fluff jumped on the handle of the toilet, and flushed Wayne back to wherever he came from. Everyone clapped! It was the best wedding they’d ever been to!

Steve took his place at the head to the chapel once again and began the ceremony, “Friends, family, and teddy bears: Marriage. Marriage is what brings us together today. Marriage. That blessed arrangement, that dream within a dream…” And with that, Lola and Oscar were married, and the villagers rejoiced in the land! And all were happy.

The reception was lovely, and no one had a better time shaking her groove thing than Ms. Fisher, who danced twice with Friedrick, and once with Lovely Dad. By the end of the evening, Fluff went up to the happy couple (Lola and Oscar, not Carrie Fisher and Lovely Dad) and said in carefully rehearsed Spanish, “Este pudín no sabe a guayaba,” Which roughly translated means “This pudding doesn’t taste like guava.” Lola burst into tears (with joy), and Oscar smiled at Fluff and shook her paw. Lola and Oscar went off on their honeymoon, and the rest of the guests went home, happy that they had participated in the lovely nuptials.

While Fluff was watching the news that evening, however, a strange item appeared: “This just in: Wayne Newton, released from a residential treatment facility just three days ago, has appeared suddenly three thousand miles away in New Jersey in a public restroom not far from Atlantic City. His condition is unclear at the moment, but witnesses claim that he looked extremely disheveled and was attempting to burn down the restroom with wet matches that wouldn’t hold a flame. We will report more as this strange story unfolds.”

Fluff snapped off the television, looked to Friedrick, smiled, and said, “You know how seeing such displays makes me want to eat guava flavored pudding. I think we might have some.”

Friedrick bared his teeth, nodded, then said, “Let us not become grasshoppers on the wall. Let us become butterflies of ice cream, floating away from the sun.” And that was that.

Thank you one and all, once again, for participating in this story of loveliness. Await our next tale of derring-do and danger when Friedrick and Fluff visit Germany for Sports and Love. This story has been brought to you by the letters W and N, and Jell-O™ Pudding snacks new Guava flavor. Remember not to be a slug on the bench, but to be a firefly on a branch.

Friedrick and Fluff: Greatest Hits!

2005-10-19T08:41:00.000-07:00

It has come to my attention that there are some people interested in the most intriguing, most amusing, and most ridiculous stories of the Friedrick and Fluff Variety. In order to accomodate those people who might want to look at a highlight reel, here are the links to my most favoritest tales of grandeur and adventure.

What? "Favoritest" is totally a word.

1. In Which the Tales Begin

2. In Which the Tales Continue

3. In Which the Tales Continue. Again

4. In Which the Tales Continue to Continue

Okay, I am tired of those. How about some other memorable events in the strange, unusual world where Friedrick and Fluff live?

5. In Which Dunder Heads Invade

6. In Which a Press Conference and Idiocy Ensues

7. In Which Political Parties Dominate

8. In Which Our Favorite Presidential Candidates Also Become Olympians

9. In Which the Election is Finished

10. In Which There is an Inaguration

Wodin loves these stories, and she particularly enjoys the ones in which she plays a large role. For the last story, here is a particularly memorable story of her own.

11. In Which Wodin Loses Her Mind and Her Teeth

"What a crock," you may say. "Where's the new post?" Well, a new post is in the works, but like Wayne Newton's hairplugs, it takes a while for the new ideas to take root. Be patient, and enjoy the posts that are here for the reading.

Wedding Dress Shopping With Lola

2005-06-13T23:07:00.000-07:00

Yes, folks, it’s true: Lovely Lola was getting Married! There were many things she had to do: she had to pick a dress; she had to pick bridesmaids dresses; she had to pick bridesmaids. The one thing she didn’t need to pick was the groom. That was Oscar Olvidadizo, a tall, dark, handsome man Lola was head-over-heals-in-love with. So head-over-heels that there were times when she was talking to him on the phone that she would spontaneously turn a series of somersaults. This was a problem because she would get tangled in the phone cord. It was for this reason she switched to using a cordless phone or a cell phone in all of their telephone interactions, not because she was afraid of electric shock from the outlets, as has been reported by several news outlets; you should know better than to listen to rumors propagated by Inside Edition and Current Affair! Shame on you! Ahem. Where was I? Ah! Right here:

So finally Lola decided Wodin the Wise should be a bridesmaid, as should her Lovely sister, Claudette the Crazy, as well as Fluff. Lola was a little nervous to ask Fluff to be a bridesmaid on account of Fluff’s fame as a tenacious teddy bear and all, but when Lola asked her, Fluff just chucked Lola on the chin lightly and said, “Golly, li’l lady, I’se shore glad yeh asked me! Ah’d be honored as spit on a cricket to be your bridesmaid!” Lola smiled politely, then frowned as she turned away, because she had no idea if it was a good thing to be “as honored as spit on a cricket,” but Fluff had been smiling, so Lola just shrugged and decided to commence the search for the Perfect Dress.

Now, the Perfect Dress had several requirements: It had to be long, but not so long as to touch the floor—it had to just brush the tops of her shoes (which she also had to pick out). It also had to have three layers of ruffles, but it was more in fashion to have four. She wanted it to have bows all down the back, but that wouldn’t fit with the row of buttons she wanted. So she began to think that maybe her dress should have bows that covered each button, but she couldn’t decide. So she asked her Lovely Mother, Claudette, Wodin, and Fluff to join her in the hunt for the Perfect Dress.

It was a Saturday, bright and early, and Lola hadn’t slept all night in excitement and anticipation of traveling in search of the Perfect Dress. She dashed down the stairs, out the door and…

Slid on a patch of ice as long as the front walk. Lola wobbled. She bobbled. And eventually she hobbled. Hobbled, that is, because she twisted her ankle on the ice and she had to hobble back into the house. Her injury did not deter her, however, from her planned search. The ice, however, might have. But she had learned a great deal from Fluff, not the least of which was how to be tenacious. But more importantly, she had learned the Toilet Travel Method of getting from one point to another.

So, despite the ice, Lola grabbed her mother and bridesmaids and forcefully flushed them all to the first bridal shop on their list: Little Shop of Whores. It sounded scandalous, and it was. It had dresses that Lola would never have dreamed of putting on a Barbie, much less herself. Some of the dresses would have made Paris Hilton ask for more fabric. Lola and her entourage left as soon as they entered, all of them blushing furiously as they flushed themselves to their next destination: Ye Olde Shoppe of Bridal Trousseaux.

It was just darling! There were flounces, lacy bits, ribbons, and buttons galore. Lola reveled in the dresses. Wodin was easily distracted by the mother of pearl buttons on one dress, and Claudette kept trying on shoes, seeing which ones would make her taller than Stan (who, though not there, was the tallest of any of them). Claudette found one pair of nice stilettos that definitely made her taller than Stan, but they were also impossible to walk in. “I’m like a Spice Girl!” Claudette exclaimed while looking in the mirror. Wodin only momentarily looked over, but then was absorbed in the shiny buttons once again. Lovely Mother was busy looking at price tags, frowning, and saying things like, “Hmph. White dresses… Hmph. Weddings… snarbble grabble flax…Hmph.”

Fluff was moving quickly, though, and before they had been in the store five minutes, she had a pile of dresses taller than Lola stacked outside of a dressing room, and she was poking and prodding Lola into the dressing room, despite Lola’s protests that she wanted to look at other gowns. The first one made Lola look like a white frosted cupcake. Then next one made her look like a dollop of whipped cream on top of a sundae. And the third, in her words, made her “look like a pastry! A big, white, killer pastry on the loose!”

When she emerged from the dressing room in the fourth one, Claudette giggled, then poked Wodin in the ribs, who looked, and then giggled, and then looked at Lovely Mother, who was already giggling, and then Fluff keeled over laughing. “Stay…. Stay… Stay…!” was all Fluff could get out, but they all knew what Fluff meant was, “You look like the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man, if only he were female and not wearing that silly hat in that movie!”

Lola huffily took off her puffy dress, and then began snuffling and wailing, “I’ll never get meeee a dreesssssss!” Fluff had the presence of mind, despite her ongoing giggles, to help Lola out of her dress before she ruined it with tears.

When Lola was properly dressed again, she grabbed her friends and family and directed them to flush themselves to the next store on their list: Dress ‘N’ Bride.

Lola exited the on-premises restroom, and immediately sighed—she was in love! The store was covered in a white marble façade, inside and out. There were columns and arches, all of them marble. Each dress style had its own alcove, complete with lighting and rotating mannequin. If you wanted to try on the dress, you had to ask the proprietor, Bridal Shop Betty. Betty’s store was rather large, and so she traveled from one end to the other on an alabaster skateboard (Betty was very hip).

When the Bridal Entourage entered, Bridal Betty beamed and bounced up to them: “Who is the lovely bride? Oh, it must be this Lovely one right here; I can always tell a mile away; the bride is always the one with the goofy smile; which style do you like best, dear? Let me know if there’s anything you like; I carry all designers, fashions, and peculiar styles you could possibly want; I even have dresses that look like outfits on the Jetson’s (The Jetson’s was a popular bridal theme a few years ago); what’s your theme, dear?” However, Betty continued to ramble on without waiting for an answer, but Lola knew immediately which dress she wanted, for she could see it on a pedestal in an alcove near the back of the show room.

The desired dress was beautiful in Lola’s eyes: it had a long skirt, but it didn’t hit the floor. As it rotated, she could see that there were little ribbons tied in bows all down the back, and there were three layers of flounces on the skirt of the dress. She was in love. Eyes wide and mouth open, Lola simply walked up to the display and touched the sleeve of the dress. Fluff walked up, looked at the dress, looked up at Lola, then snapped, “Shut your mouth; you’ll catch flies.” Lola looked down, then shut her mouth quickly. Then she opened it again to say, “I want to try on this one.” Betty zoomed over on her alabaster skateboard, wrote down the model number, then called on her headset to the back room, “Wendy, we need dress A238J1 in a size 62 and ¾.” She then grabbed Lola’s elbow and dragged her towards a dressing room; Lola kept looking back over her shoulder, gaping at her dream dress. Lovely Mother looked at the price tag and began to grind her teeth. Claudette began perusing the shoes again, and Wodin became mesmerized with the tiara collection. Fluff followed Lola and Betty to the dressing room.

From the back, a rather block shaped woman in a blue dress brought the dress out. Fluff couldn’t see the woman behind the layers of ruffles, but there was something in how she said, “Here’s model A238J1 in a 62 and ¾,” that sounded familiar. When Lola took the dress, she turned and went into the dressing room, but Fluff looked closely at the block-shaped woman, and detected a distinct five-o’clock shadow. Fluff’s eyes narrowed. It wasn’t that she disliked cross-dressers (she had known many a cross-dresser during her time in Vegas), but this one looked more than familiar. In catching each other’s eye, the block-shaped wo(man) winked at Fluff, who jumped back in shock. Then, a split second later, Fluff realized that it hadn’t been a wink—it had been a twitch! The only person Fluff knew who twitched at the sight of a tenacious teddy bear was none other than Wayne Newton!

The Disguised Wayne turned and began to go back to the back room, and Fluff frowned. “Lola,” she called into the dressing room, “wait a minute to try on the dress. There is something strange afoot at the Circle K…” and she followed the Masquerading Wendy into the stock room.

Because of her soft fluffy feet, Fluff made nary a sound. Once in the stock room, Fluff ducked behind a dress that looked remarkably like the Stay-Puft dress of the last shop and watched as Wendy removed her wig to fully reveal herself as Wayne. “Hahahahaha!” cackled Wayne. “I will let that silly Lola girl try on this dress in the proper size, but then on the day of the wedding when she goes to put it on, I will have ordered the incorrect alterations! My plan, she is brilliant!” Wayne continued cackling, and then began to prance and hum “Tip-toe Through the Tulips,” which, if you remember correctly, was the very song that Fluff and Friedrick had once tap-danced to. In fact, they had tap-danced on Wayne Newton’s forehead to that song. Fluff, for the second time in this story, narrowed her eyes, and muttered to herself, “That’s the last tip-toe you’ll tulip on… I mean, that’s the last tulip you’ll tip-toe on, Wayne, buddy!” She then ducked back to the dressing room to tell Lola to go ahead and try on the dress.

Lola tried on the dress, and she left the dressing room to the oohs and aahs of her Bridal Entourage. Fluff, however, kept a wary eye out for the treacherous Wayne/Wendy. Fluff had a plan: She would go to the reactor at the center of the Death Star and turn off the tractor beam so that Han, Luck, Leia, and Chewbacca (of course Chewbacca) and the droids could escape without detection and then Obi Wan and Darth would… Oops. That’s the other story Fluff has constantly running through her head. What she really had planned was this:

She was going to ask Betty for one size smaller, just so that Wendy/Wayne would be forced to come back out, and then, Fluff would climb the Villain of Vegas, rip off his wig to expose his identity and forehead, and then tap-dance on his forehead until he was unconscious. It was a beautiful plan.

Lola was doing one more twirl when Fluff hollered, “Betty, let’s see this bad boy in a 61 and ¾, okay?” Lola frowned. “But this one fits perfectly.” Fluff grinned tightly, baring her sharp bear’s teeth (yes, she is a teddy bear, but she is still a bear, after all). “I just want to see a smaller size, okay?” she said through her clenched teeth. Lola looked frightened; she had never seen Fluff with all of her teeth showing before. Lola simply nodded.

In the meantime, Betty had called back to “Wendy” in the back room to bring a smaller size. Wendy brought out the dress, and as soon as she/he had hung it on the rack, Fluff growled, then leapt up and tackled Wendy to the floor, and ripped off the wig. Betty gasped. It was a loud enough sound to bring Wodin out of her tiara-induced stupor and look over. Claudette wobbled on really tall shoes and looked over. Lovely Mother stopped balancing her checkbook and looked up. Lola peeked around the door of the dressing room (she was only wearing a slip).

Standing on the dazed Wendy’s forehead, Fluff held the wig over her fluffy head and proclaimed, “Wendy is really Wayne!” A collective gasp rose from the Bridal Entourage, and Betty simply said, “Who?”

Wayne began to whimper. Fluff sneered. “Wayne wanted to ruin your wedding, Lola, to get back at me and Friedrick. But I refuse to let this happen. Not when I was as honored as spit on a cricket to be a bridesmaid.”

Wayne began to beg, “Please, Ms. Fluff, please, not the tap-dancing. Not the tap-dancing!” His begging turned to hysterical screaming: “No tap-dancing! No taps!” Fluff bared her teeth, then grabbed a pair of very tall, pointy shoes and began to tap-dance on Wayne Newton’s forehead. As she tapped, Claudette and Wodin began to sing “Tip-toe Through the Tulips.” Their singing was quite nice. When Wayne was unconscious, Fluff, Wodin, and Claudette dragged his limp body to the toilet and flushed with all their might. Lola changed her clothes, and Lovely Mother signed the check. Claudette then looked at the shoes Fluff had danced in and said, “Hey, I think these are the perfect shoes for the bridesmaids! Let’s get three pairs!” And so it was done.

That night, as the Bridal Entourage lay on the couch in a pizza-induced stupor watching the evening news, they took notice of an interesting item:

Dan Rather shifted his gaze to another camera, and said, “Strange news in the world of Wayne Newton this evening. Wayne was found in the bathroom of the Mirage casino in Las Vegas dressed in a woman’s dress and bearing what appeared to be bruises in the shape of shoe prints on his forehead. He was admitted to a local area hospital where his current status in unknown. According to witnesses, he was rambling incoherently about wedding dresses.” Dan Rather looked back at the first camera. “This is the latest in a string of unusual incidents surrounding the Las Vegas singer, best known for his rendition of “Danke Schon.” As Dan Rather began to report on other news, Fluff reached for the remote and turned it off.

She smiled sweetly and said, “I’ll be a tick on a deer if I’ll let Wayne get the better of me.” Lola nodded, and the rest of them patted their full bellies. It had been a successful day.

Stay tuned for next time, when the Wedding Takes Over, Lola cries on Merv’s shoulder, the bridesmaids revolt, and Friedrick buys a gift.

Brought to you by the letter F, the number 2, and the Friedrick and Fluff Variety Show (What? If Nick and Jessica can have their own Variety Show, why not Friedrick and Fluff?)

And that is that.

A Wedding!

2005-06-01T09:05:00.000-07:00

I know that you all want to read about Lola's Wedding, but it shall have to wait. I myself was in attendance, and I can verify that there were some strange things afoot at the Cirkle K, or some such nonsense. Truly, it was an event I shall never forget. A full report will be here shortly.

A Very Lola Engagement

2005-02-24T07:23:00.000-08:00

Lovely Lola had ceased to be Hermana Lovely, and had returned to be Lola again, and had begun practicing her Spanish with anyone who would respond. She often frustrated her sister Claudette the Crazy by speaking in Spanish—in her sleep. It kept Claudette awake at night, listening over and over to things like, “El pollo es gordo…” and other such ramblings. Claudette would throw pillows at Lola, but Lola was a deep sleeper.

Lola’s Gordon the Goob was now Elder Goob, and was very busy with other things, and was unavailable to speak Spanish to her. This made her very sad, but alas, we cannot always have what we want, can we? Especially when we dream of having a tall handsome Wookie feed us peeled grapes. Ahem. That happens to be what Fluff wants, but back to the story.

Lola went to events where Spanish was spoken, and she found herself having quite the grand time. She mixed. She mingled. And, occasionally, she mangled. Her Spanish, that is. She wasn’t perfect, but she always learned something new.

One day close to Christmas, as she was enjoying her time at a Mexican luncheon, she noticed a tall dark handsome stranger at a nearby table. “Hot Cha!” Lola thought. “Maybe I can meet him…” She began to wish very hard that she might meet Mystery Man. She closed her eyes and began muttering unintelligibly in a mixture of Spanish and English.

Just as she was muttering, “Where is the camel?”, lo and behold, who should arrive on the scene but Merv, the Fairy God-Cabbie!

“Aw, jeez…” Merv groaned as he noticed he was wearing a large colorful sombrero and holding a pair of maracas. He was still wearing his tutu. Then he looked down at Lola. “You again? Why is it always you?”

Lola looked around, but no one seemed to notice that Merv had appeared from nowhere. She whispered, “Hola. I need your help. I want to meet him. Muy guapo!”

Merv stared at Lola a moment, then rolled his eyes, muttering, “Oy vey.” Then he held her face in his ands, pinching her cheeks slightly as he did so, in order to have Lola looking him in the eyes instead of drooling over the Mystery Man. “Listen, Lila, Lulu, or whateveh yeh name is: If you wink twice with your left eye, you will be able to meet him.” And then Merv was gone in a puff of smoke that smelled suspiciously like Cuban cigars and cumin.

Lola concentrated; winking was a difficult task, and she did not want to do it incorrectly. Slowly, she winked once, then a second time, and… Nothing happened. The Mystery Man did not notice, and he did not magically stand up, run to her, and whisper sweet nothings in her ear.

Lola was furious with Merv, the Fairie God-Cabbie. “He lied!” she seethed. Here eyes glowered and she felt her jaw clench in anger. “I will find that cabbie and get him, if it’s the last thing I do!” Lola was not happy.

As she seethed, however, she began to twist her hair, as she was wont to do when she was frustrated, angry, sleeping, eating, singing, or playing hopscotch. She continued her hair twisting, name calling, and obscenity muttering until, sad but true, she had twisted half of her hair into one large knot! As she noticed this, she realized that, finally, the Mystery Man had looked her way, and was now smiling curiously at her strange coiffure. Lola wanted to cry. She wanted to die. She wanted to crawl in a hole and sleep until the Mystery Man was gone and no longer laughing at her. She looked down in her lap, trying not to cry.

Behind her, in a soft voice, she heard a whisper: “Siempre me encuentro sin cepillo.” This was Spanish. Which only makes sense at a Mexican luncheon. But I do not speak Spanish. Luckily for me, you, and the people who believe Spanish is the name of an exotic dancer and not a language, Lola included a translation for us. What he said, really was “I always find myself without a brush.”

Lola swooned. He had noticed her predicament! He had noticed her hair, and he had offered to help! She felt quite lovely, indeed, bad hair notwithstanding. He proceeded to sit down next to her, and help her detangle her hair. They spoke, chatted, conversed and canoodled, during which time, Lola learned the Mystery Man’s name: Oscar Olvidadizo. (Lola at first refused to translate this name for me, but apparently it means Oscar the Grouch. What? I can’t hear you! Lalalalalalala! Okay, Lola has insisted that I tell the truth: “Oscar” is Spanish for “Oscar” and “Olvidadizo” is Spanish for “Forgetful.” So the truth is that his name means Forgetful Oscar. Time will tell if he is, indeed, forgetful.)

While she eventually translated the name for the benefit of the readership, she refused to give me a blow-by-blow account of their conversation. Seeing as that is the case, I shall have to construct dialogue for them myself. (See? This is what happens when you ignore perfectly reasonable requests, LOLA.)

He said: Your eyes are lovely.
She said: Yours are, too!
He said: Why, thank you! Would you like to marry me?
She said: Well, can I think about it? I just met you.
He said: Well, how about if I give you five minutes?
She said: Okay.

******

Five minutes later…
She said: Okay.
He said: “Okay” what?
She said: “Okay” I will marry you.
He said: Really?
She said: (smiles and nods)
He said: Congratulations!
She said: I must thank Merv.
He said: (quizzical look)

******

And so, just like that, Lovely Lola was engaged to Oscar Olvidadizo. Lovely Lola had found herself a Lovely Fiancée. She was swept off her feet when he whispered to her, “Siempre me encuentro sin cepillo.” And the world rejoiced. Or, at least, her friends and family did.

And Lola was happy. Until she realized this meant planning a Wedding. As New Year’s approached, Lola began to think of themes for her wedding. She looked back at her sister Claudette’s wedding, and remembered that Claudette had incorporated a Friedrick and Fluff Theme to her wedding. Lola frowned. She also remembered, all too well, how disastrously the Underwater Theme worked. She tried to remember Masked Mal’s wedding, and what theme that entailed. Looking back through her journals of the misty event, it appeared that Mal had developed a “Costumes by Merv” theme.

“Hmmm…” Lola mused. “No Friedrick and Fluff theme, and no “Costumes by Merv” theme; whatever shall I do?” And she began to wail miserably. She did not notice the fireworks outside celebrating the New Year, and that one had landed on the roof of her Lovely Home. She continued stewing about her dilemma, feeling as though her head were covered in a woolen sock, because not only was she having difficulty thinking, but now she was having difficulty seeing, and breathing. That was odd, she thought.

Just then, in a puff of smoke, Wodin burst into the room. “Quick!” she yelled at Lola. “The roof! The roof! The roof is on fire!” Ahem. Actually, she said, “”Lo! The fire has descended upon this dwelling! It is necessary that we run! But not faster than we have strength, of course!” So Wodin and Lola began running, snagging the sleeping Claudette as they did (Why was Claudette sleeping in the middle of the day? you may ask? Because Lola spoke in her sleep, preventing Claudette from getting her nighttime repose, that’s why! Didn’t I already explain that?).

As Lola, Wodin, and Claudette waited for the fire department, Lola had an epiphany. She saw a light above her (although some would claim it was simply flames from the fire, but that is just THEIR version of events), and in that light, she saw Friedrick and Fluff wearing firemen hats and wearing red suspenders. It was then that Lola knew: her wedding would be Firefighter Themed! And lo, some good came from this tragic tragedy. Besides, the firemen who arrived were exceedingly cute, and yea, Wodin and Claudette did flirt. Lola would have, but she was too busy planning her wedding.

And that was that.

Stay tuned for next week’s party in a box, when Wodin loses her mind, Lola tries on a thousand wedding dresses, Claudette finds the perfect pair of shoes, and Fluff tap dances upon Wayne Newton’s head yet again.

Flush Away: 2004 Athens Olympics

2005-02-23T09:30:00.000-08:00

Well, folks. Time once again for the great Friedrick and Fluff to return from their long silence. Enjoy this tale of heroism, pudding, and stupid commentators.

Once again it is an election year, as well as a Summer Olympic year, and where should we find ourselves, but at the sides of our lovely friends, Friedrick and Fluff! And who should be by their sides, but Lovely Lola and Wodin the Wise! And who should be by their sides but Stan Q. Fitzhubert, and Claudette the Crazy, and they were flanked by some strangers in black trench coats, because of security. (After all, Friedrick and Fluff were presidential candidates, and under the protection of the Secret Service. But you didn’t hear it from me. Sshhh! It’s a secret! Very hush-hush!) Friedrick and Fluff were accompanied by so many people because of their need for many trainers and coaches for the summer Olympics, and so they all got to join in the festivities. Lola was there as their campaign manager and liaison to the press, Wodin was there to train with Friedrick for his Toilet Flushing competition, Claudette was there to ensure that Fluff would be properly stretched for her turn on the balance beam, and Stan was there to make sure that Friedrick and Fluff were properly coiffed and choreographed for their synchronized diving competition, which was to be held the very first day after arriving at the Olympics.

The Olympics were in Athens, and the bears had never been there on any of their strange adventures, so this was an altogether new location. Some players, however, were the same as on the previous stage: the great Toilet Flushing Champion Rodion Romanovich was back to challenge Friedrick and take back the gold medal. Romanovich had clearly been pumping iron, and Friedrick gulped when he first saw his old nemesis at the opening ceremonies, hosted by the intolerable Rob Costless and Karly Colic. Upon witnessing the strained grin between the two competitors, Rob remarked to Karly, “I think we’re in for a doozy when it comes to the competition between those two!” Karly nodded and grinned and added, “But just look at their outfits! Just darling!” She would have continued, but the Bermudans were next, and Karly was distracted by the shorts with knee-length socks.

DAY 1: Synchronized Diving
Fluff and Friedrick paced around the locker room, shaking out their limbs and going through the motions of their dives. Stan was there, reminding them to “bend at the waist into the pike position, and then pull out and do the splits, and then make sure you guys are vertical for your entry! Sheesh!” She also pulled a hair pick out of her purse and attempted to fluff Fluff’s fluff one last time before the competition, but Fluff was moving too rapidly for the excitable hairdresser to catch her and fluff her fluff. And before they knew it, the Canadians had just dived (two 9.5’s, one 8, and one 9), and they were next. The bears’ move was very difficult, one that no one had ever seen before. In fact, few people had ever witnessed a diving teddy bear before, much less two of them diving in synch. Anyhow, their move was to finally tell Luke that he was his father, and then try to convince him to join his father in the Dark Side and then they… Whoops. Actually, their move was a three and a half twist Gorvachian with a double somersault with a cherry on top. Well, all of that except the cherry. Strike the cherry.

Those two tenacious teddy bears ascended the stairs to the platform and took their position.

“It appears that those two tenacious teddies are back, Rob, trying to work some magic in the synchronized diving competition” said Karly.

“Hush,” said Rob. “We’re tired of you.” Oh, stop. He did not (I just wish he did). He really said, “Apparently, it is time to see if these bears can pull a little more out of the hat than just a bunch of air. We are really hoping for the white rabbit here,” he said.

Karly laughed and added, “And the gold medal from behind the ear, right Rob?”

They chortled together and Friedrick and Fluff counted off: “One, Two, Three.” They leapt from the platform, twisted counterclockwise three times, somersaulted twice, and then dove into the water straight as a pin! The crowd roared! The Canadians looked furious, and the Russians looked mildly bored (Marina Kahzachurian knew this was a dive she could complete in her sleep. As a four-year-old.)

Rob was speechless, until Karly sniped, “Definitely no gold medal from thin air, here. It seemed impressive, but they made some huge errors here, and just let me tell you about them….” She listed off several, but missing the largest of them all: Friedrick had not been in synch with Fluff; he had done the entire dive backwards, even starting out in a handstand instead of on his feet. The judges quickly noticed this, and granted them one 4.5 (from the Malaysian judge, who looked a bit like a bear, actually, so you never know if he was on the up and up…), and the rest 1.5’s. The Canadians were relieved, and the Russians were still bored. This was because they had yet to perform their dive. When the Russians did, it was a quadruple twisting back flip with a 3.5 somersault. It blew the Canadians out of the water (so to speak) and destroyed that ridiculously smug look they had. Fluff and Friedrick did not win, but Fluff leaned over and said, “Better a satisfied Russian than a gloating Canadian. It would ruin their complex.” Friedrick ceased his tears long enough to hiccup and nod. Then it was back to the crying again. Oy.

DAY 2: Training
Fluff and Friedrick took time to prepare for the events in the upcoming days and enjoy Greek culture. (Kimono… Kimono… Comes from the Greek word for Robe… Robe, Kimono, there you go.) As they roamed the Plaka in downtown Athens, Friedrick wandered a bit away from the rest of the group to look at the gyros in a deli window, when suddenly, he looked up, and on the other side of the window was Romanovich. The Russian competitor sneered and made crushing motions with his fist into the palm of his other hand. Friedrick froze, only a tiny, “Eeep!” escaping his lips. Then Rodion licked his lips and bit down into the very gyro that Friedrick had been ogling. Yikes! Friedrick was no longer very hungry, and he hurriedly caught up with the gang and the Secret Service agents, who were obviously very bad at their jobs.

DAY 3: Gymnastics
This was going to be tough for Fluff, and she knew it. Claudette had worked with her ceaselessly on her moves: cartwheels, somersaults, back flips, and her secret move, the Galloping Clodhopper. It was her very own move, one she hoped would vault her into first place (so to speak), ahead of that lemon-faced Russian gymnast. Claudette gave her some last minute advice: “If she comes after you, just pop her once, really good, in the mouth and then watch out. She has a nasty uppercut.” Fluff nodded, Claudette backed away, and Fluff prepared to mount the beam.

“So what do you think are Fluff’s chances at a medal here, Karly?” Rob asked.

“Well,” Karly mused, “It all depends on whether or not she has any Chez Whiz on her paws this time. Let’s take a look at what happened in Sydney.” Film clips of Fluff’s slip from the balance beam four years ago played in slow-motion three separate times in three different angles, the last clearly zooming in and showing the last bit of Chez Whiz on her paw, causing a slow-motion slip.

“Ouch, Karly, looks like that hurt!”

“You better believe it, Rob!”

Fluff performed without equal on the beam. Other gymnasts looked on in awe as she did her moves, and gasped when she unleashed her Galloping Clodhopper, a move where she High Stepped and Clodhopped across the beam before dismounting by soaring into the air before landing perfectly on one paw.

It was amazing. It was fabulous. It was illegal.

Disqualified, Fluff limped from the mat into Claudette’s consoling arms.

“Ah-ah-ah-I wanna wiiiiin!” she bawled.

“There, there,” soothed Claudette. “We need to be ready in case Sour Puss comes over. Remember: Watch the uppercut.” Fluff sniffed and wiped her eyes and struck a karate pose. When the mean Russian gymnast walked over to sneer and laugh, Fluff decided against the punch, and instead, she took out her blaster, set it to stun, and got the Princess just before jettisoning off in her escape pod… Whoa! I meant, instead of punching the Russian meanie, Fluff instead began to sing “Tiptoe Through the Tulips” and tap-danced on her forehead. Then she quickly ran away before the judges could decide if that was part of her routine and if they could raise Fluff’s scores for rendering the Russian Gymnast unconscious.

DAY 4: Training
Friedrick went to the Toilet Training Complex where he was to take advantage of the training time given to each athlete. He had just warmed up and was just tying his shoes when he heard a familiar laugh. “Heh heh heh.” the beefy Romanovich chortled. “You are goingk down, bearski!” Friedrick quaked but simply responded, “Eat chocolate cake with mustard custard and you have ruined your appetite.” Romanovich scratched his head and wondered if he had heard wrong or if he needed to brush up on his English. He shrugged and said, “Watch it, bearski!” and turned away to finish his training. Friedrick shuddered and went on to work a few kinks out of his routine. Those pesky Secret Service gentlemen were nowhere to be seen. Hmph.

DAY 5: Toilet Travel Competition, Time Trials
The time trials did not concern Friedrick. He knew he had to beat his personal best of 65 flushes in a minute in order to beat Romanovich at this portion of the competition, but he also knew that Romanovich had pulled a muscle in his index finger in training the week before, and so the advantage was clearly Friedrick’s. There were twelve competitors in the Time Trials: Two Russians, one from Ghana, one from Australia (he picked it up after seeing Friedrick and Romanovich compete in the Sydney Olympics), two from Spain, one from Moldova, one from Paraguay, three from China, and Friedrick.

“On your marks…”

The competitors leapt onto the rim of their toilets.

“Get Set…”

They bent at the knees and put their hands (er, and paw) on the handle.

BANG!

The competitors set about to flush, jumping in, flushing, swirling, going down, then popping up in the next toilet only to start again, flushing as many times as possible in a single minute. Friedrick was just getting his rhythm when out of the corner of his eye he saw Romanovich gaining. Faster and faster, Friedrick flushed. Finally, without seeing, Friedrick popped out of his 65th toilet to the sound of the buzzer going off. He blinked and looked: He and Romanovich had tied at 65 flushes apiece, one of the Chinese competitors had made an illegal twist during the trial, and the Ghanan had come in third. The others ranged from 50 to 60 flushes in one minute. Friedrick sighed—one portion down, two to go. Just as he was leaving the toilet, Romanovich caught his eye: “Bad news, bear: I vill vin!” He then punched the palm of his hand and made a crushing motion. It made Friedrick want to cry like Wayne Newton.

DAY 6: Toilet Travel Competition, Obstacle Course
This obstacle course was very complicated, and all of Friedrick’s supporters waited tensely in the stands. Lola bit her nails, Wodin chewed on her hair, Claudette paced, and Stan muttered to herself. To win the Obstacle Course portion, the competitors had to flush through twelve toilets, grabbing flags from the handle of each toilet the flushed. To miss a flag was a two-point penalty. To miss a toilet meant disqualification. To appear in a competitor’s toilet would also be cause for disqualification. One other thing that made this race particularly difficult is that there were no straight pipes between the toilets as there had been for the Time Trials. The meant that those twelve toilets could take much longer for inexperienced Toilet Travelers. However, we must remember who invented the Toilet Travel Method and was the first to pioneer its use as a widespread method of travel. (Say it with me: Friedrick.) (In fact, it was the Official Travel Method of the Athens Olympics. It was starting to catch on after all of those signs in the public restrooms: Don’t make Travel Tough! Make it a Travel Flush! The poster featured Friedrick holding a Royal Flush in his paws as he stood at the edge of a toilet. It was all very clever (according to Lola, who designed the signs), but all very stupid to most of the Greeks. After all, why go by toilet when you could run the Marathon? Anyhow, back to the Race.)

The competitors and Spectators were joined by indefatigable Karly Colic and Rob Costless, ready to call the competition. Of the twelve lanes available, only one was empty, lane three where the disqualified Chinese athlete should have been.

“Well, Karly, Friedrick made a good showing at yesterday’s competition, obviously the favorite in the Toilet Travel Competition, but his longtime rival, Rodion Romanovich, tied him for first. Who will win today?”

“In Sydney,” piped up Karly, “Friedrick won this portion of the event easily, simply by collecting all of his flags.”

In a slow-motion clip, they showed Friedrick grabbing a flag just as Romanovich missed one, and then a second.

“Yes, Karly, Rodion’s downfall in Sydney was his inability to collect the flags. We shall see if we have a repeat or something new.”

“I hear Rodion has been training extra hard. I mean, just look at those muscles! Rrrrrow!” Rodion looked over at Karly, winked, and then made the “call me” hand motion. Karly giggled like an anchor who had just been hit on by an athlete.

“On your mark… Get set… Go!”

The athletes jumped in and Friedrick began to navigate the toilets. One flag, two, then three, then… he missed one! Without hesitation, Friedrick backtracked to retrieve the fourth flag, hoping he was ahead enough to still win. He flushed and flushed. He swirled and swirled. The world spun crazily and he suddenly popped out of the last toilet, neck in neck with Romanovich and the Paraguayan fellow.

“This looks like it is going to be a photo finish, Karly! It appears that Romanovich may have edged out Friedrick in this round, but we will have to wait for the flag count and the photo finish.”

“Well, Rob, it may be the flag count that saves Friedrick. He took a big risk to go back and get that flag he missed, and if it turns out that either Romanovich or Gutierrez missed or illegally grabbed any flags, it may save him.”

Just then, the photo finish came out, and Friedrick was behind Romanovich but in front of Gutierrez.

“I don’t believe it, Karly, but apparently, Romanovich missed one of his flags! That will put him in third place going into tomorrow’s competition. Well, folks at home, it appears that the standings for one, two, three are the U.S., Paraguay, and Russia. We shall see what tomorrow’s competition in the Toilet Travel Specified Location competition.”

DAY 7: Toilet Travel Competition, Specified Location
Friedrick awoke early to prepare himself and ordered room service in his hotel room. When it arrived, he took the platter and the silver cover into his room. Lifting the silver cover, he saw there was his butterscotch pudding, just as he had asked, as well as a small folded up piece of paper. He unfolded it, and this is what it said:

Bear, I will win. You will become Russian Bear meat! I will eat you with a pickle on the side, and some horseradish. Mwahahahaha!

Friedrick shivered, and ate his pudding, which (was he dreaming?) appeared to have a slight horseradish aftertaste. (Question: Why are the Secret Service agents always AWOL? Discuss.)

Fluff, on the other hand, was not so anxious about his performance because she was daydreaming about Chewbacca (“The handsomest Wookie there is!” according to Fluff). She only wished Chewy would return her phone calls, e-mails, pages, and text messages. That, and that he would rescind the restraining order against her. But alas, we can’t always have what we want, can we?

Later that day…

“Welcome to the toilet Flushing Arena, here in central Athens! Today we will see if Romanovich can make a comeback, if Friedrick can hang on to his lead, and if everyone has forgotten about Paraguayan whatshisname.”

“Indeed, Rob. We shall see if any of those events will happen. But first, I shall explain the scoring in this round: Each competitor draws a random location, must flush to that location, grab the flag that is there, bring it back, and hope they were able to find the fastest route to do so. Each flag is a different color for each location, so if they go to the wrong location and bring back the wrong flag, they will be disqualified.”

As the commentators continued to banter banally, the competitors took their positions. Fluff and the rest of the gang watched, all too nervous to breathe. In fact, Lola turned purple before Wodin reminded her to breathe. Stan stood, hiding her face in her hands, peeking through the fingers, and Claudette sat still, just rather pale. Fluff couldn’t keep her eyes off the tall handsome wookie in the third row (he bore an uncanny resemblance to Chewbacca).

The drawing was to begin, in order of last to first. Finally, at Friedrick’s turn, he closed his eyes, clenched his teeth, reached in, and pulled out a piece of paper that said, “Two tomatoes, 1 gal. of milk, 1 lb. of chicken.”

“Oops,” said the red-faced official. “That’s my shopping list. Here’s the real destination: The private toilet of Niko Paraskevas in south Athens.”

Friedrick gulped, then took his position. As he readied himself, he tried to ignore Romanovich, whose grin glinted evilly. He tried to ignore the whisper that came to him, “You will be delicious, bearski! I enjoy horseradish a great deal…”

Shaking it off, Friedrick took his mark, got set, and BANG! They were off.

“Karly, this may be the magic moment for Friedrick, if only he can find Niko Paraskevas’ house and get out in time.”

“You’re forgetting, Bob, that here we have a competitor who actually wrote the book on Toilet Travel. I have it right here: Siberia and Back: the Home Companion for Toilet Travelers.”

Lola took Wodin’s advice and began breathing. In fact, she began to hyperventilate. Wodin still chewed her hair, wishing that it tasted less like shampoo and more like butterscotch pudding. Claudette had begun to turn from pale to green, appearing as though she might vomit before the race was through. Stan still peered through her fingers, and Fluff was trying to work up the courage to ask that handsome wookie for his number.

Friedrick, in the meantime, flushed himself through the plumbing system of Athens, attempting to reach his destination. He first came to the junction at the hotel plumbing and took a left, then a right after the gymnastics venue, then another left after the Acropolis, and finally straight ahead at the swimming complex.

“Karly, that move at the swimming complex was a smart one, because the volume of water there is greater than in any other spot in Athens. It could really catapult him to the Gold medal in this event!”

“Indeed, Bob.”

Finally, Friedrick popped up in Niko Paraskevas’ bathroom, grabbed the flag, and flushed himself away, once again routing himself through the Swimming Complex’s plumbing to give him that extra boost. He was flushing and feeling fine! Nothing could stop him now! He was on top of the world! He was a champio— He popped out of the toilet to see that Eduardo Gutierrez had beat him.

“Well, Karly, it appears that Whatshisname has won, leaving Friedrick with the Silver on this occasion.”

“Indeed, Bob.”

Rodion Romanovich came in fourth, after the Ghanan competitor made it back in record time. Friedrick stood there, shocked. Absolutely shocked! He was supposed to win. But then he shuddered; at least Rodion Romanovich couldn’t eat him with horseradish sauce, now.

Friedrick was shortly surrounded by his supporters. Wodin hugged him and said, “Remember, pudding is best without a side of hotdogs.” Claudette smiled wanly and patted him on the back. Stan muttered about how they could break Gutierrez’s legs and see how he dealt with that. Lola gave him a high five and said, “Next time. Now we need to concentrate on the election. I believe this is YOUR year!” Fluff was nowhere in sight. Oh, yes she was. She was right over there. By the door. Shaking hands and exchanging phone numbers with a rather large, hirsute gentleman, who looked remarkably like Chewbacca. When she finally returned, Friedrick gave her a stern glance. Blushing, she whispered, “I am sorry, but have you ever seen such a creature?” Friedrick continued to glare, until Fluff whispered, “But there is still tap-dancing left to do.” Friedrick’s eyes brightened, and he nodded.

That evening, as they watched the news in bed, the newscaster said, “In other news from Athens, both Rob Costless and Karly Colic were missing from the pole vault commentating this evening. Inquiries as to their absence led police to the local hospital, where, despite no witnesses and what appeared to be tiny footprints on their foreheads, Costless and Colic claim to have been in a suspicious motorcycle accident. We will have more for you as this unfolds. Jim, back to you.” Fluff turned off the television, and turned to Friedrick, saying in a sweet voice, “I believe that this means it is time for lemon meringue pie with pickled beets on the side.”

Friedrick responded with, “Indeed, Fluff.”

And that was that.

Brought to you today by the Friedrick and Fluff in Four campaign, Betelmann’s Horseradish Sauce, and the International Olympic Committee on Drug Testing and Arbitrary Scoring.

Wodin the Wise--or Wisdomless?

2005-02-22T07:05:00.000-08:00

Wodin the Wise waited in the dentist’s office, awaiting the dentist. Alas, she waited for her dentist many hours, it seemed. When finally asked to sit in the dentist chair, her dentist (whose name, coincidentally and truthfully, is Kaz) frowned, and looked closely at her teeth. He examined her back teeth most carefully, asking Wodin to open wide. He continued to examine, making such informative noises as “Hmm,” and “Well, well,” and “What have we here?” Wodin was growing ever so uncomfortable with her mouth wide open, and she was growing more nervous at every dental utterance. Finally, her dentist removed his hands and all of the shiny dental instruments from her mouth with one final, “Hmph.”

Wodin was momentarily distracted by the tiny mirror on one of the instruments, but then quickly focused, asking (directly, for once), “Doc, what’s wrong with me? Will I ever play the nose flute again?” The dentist looked at her strangely and opened his mouth to speak when she interrupted him again: “I know it’s a cavity! A giant cavity dwelling in my molars, spreading across my mouth, and I will need to have them all drilled and filled!” The dentist opened his mouth again, but she continued. “My entire mouth will consist of silver fillings! I won’t ever be able to walk through a metal detector unaccosted again! O, woe is me! Woe that I am one calamitous cavity!” And Wodin broke down sobbing, sniffling occasionally and wiping her eyes with the little blue bib dentists put on their patients.

Finally, her dentist saw his chance: “Relax!” he said. “You just need to have your wisdom teeth removed!” Wodin ceased her bawling and looked at the dentist with fire in her eyes.

“What… did… you… say?” she said, eyes narrowed, in a slowly measured voice.
“It’s a simple procedure, really, I can do it right here…” but he had missed the point.

Wodin jumped up from her chair and grabbed the dentist by the collar, and spat, “Take my wisdom teeth out? How dare you suggest such a thing!” Wodin’s dentist was obviously confused, for he looked at her with puzzlement, and slowly moved the sharp objects as far away as possible while being held by the collar. Seeing he did not comprehend the seriousness of his suggestion, Wodin rolled her eyes and explained, “I am Wodin the Wise. How can I be wise if I lack wisdom teeth?”

The dentist laughed nervously. “Um, Miss Wise? Could you please release me? I can’t really breathe.”

Wodin blushed, released her dentist, then sat back in her chair. “I am so very sorry. Please, forgive me.”

He adjusted his collar, cleared his throat, then said, “Ahem, yes, all is forgiven. But I am recommending large quantities of nitrous oxide for you when we perform the procedure.” Wodin nodded happily, not knowing what it all entailed. The prospect of funny drugs had distracted her from the very pressing problem: her wisdom teeth were to be pulled in no less than two weeks!

Alas, she arrived at the dentist’s office two weeks later, extremely nervous, and suddenly remembering that this even meant the end of her wisdom. No longer would she be able to give out such pearls of wisdom such as, “Remember, when your coffee tastes like antifreeze, it is because your dog has had puppies.” Or “Let us rejoice in the fountain of chocolate pudding and play with the frolicking Wombats.” No, Wodin realized all of her wisdom would be extracted with the teeth, but they were hurting her so very badly she was ready to let a ferret with a pickaxe extract them (and we all know what ferrets with pickaxes are like, don’t we? Let us never speak of the incident with the IRS man again. He still isn’t out of traction. But, ahem. It is time to move out of this parenthetical remark). So Wodin, sensing the need for reinforcement, employed Friedrick and Fluff to coach her through the painful experience.

Fluff had useful advice: “When they give you medicine, take it. All of it.” Wodin nodded nervously. Friedrick said, “Remember that a dentist is better than the ferret.” Wodin nodded nervously as they waited in the waiting room, where they waited waitingly. Anticipatorily, she anticipated the drugs that would soothe the throbbing in her throbbing jaw, which throbbed with great throbs. (“Hey,” stamped Fluff impatiently, “will you use a thesaurus, or what? Jeez.”) So Wodin remained in the waiting room whilst her jowls pulsated interminably, and she commenced perspiring. (So? How’s that? “Fine,” said Fluff.) Wodin began to cry, softly at first, but then it grew into a wail, and other patients first began to stare, then to look away as if avoiding her, then they began to slowly edge away from her.
Fluff attempted to comfort her, “If you should like, I crrrush this dentist, this Kaz!”

Friedrick piped up with his own helpful, yet decidedly mob-like, comments: “Yes, you want we should tap-dance upon his head? You like if we fit him with cement shoes, to sleep with the fishies? I know a little dock where no one ever goes…”
Wodin blew her nose, and shook her head. “No, I should like you to stay with me, though.” The teddy bears (tenacious, both of them!) acquiesced, and sat next to Wodin quietly as they all waited.

A hygienist entered the room. “Wise, Wodin?” Wodin rose grimly, and held the teddy bears in her arms. “Um,” the hygienist said fretfully, “we can’t allow pets back here.”

“Oh, it’s fine,” Wodin assured her. “They are my teddy bears. They promise not to tap-dance on anyone’s head.” The hygienist wrinkled her brow perplexedly, but shrugged as she led Wodin back to the dentist chair. “Doctor,” the hygienist whispered, “I think Miss Wise has had enough medication already. You might want to go a little light on her with the nitrous at first.”

As though to try and convince the doctor otherwise, Wodin unleashed her final nugget of wisdom: “If there is peace in the middle school, then there is gravy on the back fence.” The dentist nodded at the hygienist, and brought out his blaster, set it to stun, just as Princess Leia was preparing to enter the escape pod, and then… Whoops! Forgot about the story there. Let’s try again: The dentist nodded at the hygienist, and brought out a hypodermic needle filled with Novocain, and numbed the Princess, I mean, Wodin, just as she was preparing to bolt. He also happened to turn on the nitrous oxide at that moment, just in case. Wodin felt all loopy, and began to smile.

“Wodin? How are you feeling?”

“Fiiiiiiiiine…” sighed Wodin. “Did you know that Dostoevsky wrote Crime and Punishment as well as The Brothers Karamazov?”

The dentist nodded. She was plenty doped. “Open wide, now, Wodin. Let’s get these bad boys out of there…”

And so it was accomplished that Wodin should be extracted—well, her teeth, anyway. She brought forth four teeth, and they were wrapped in cotton and placed in a jar, because there was no room in her mouth.

Ahem. What I mean is that the dentist took out the teeth which caused her mouth to ache, and she felt better. Well, better, that is, until her nitrous and Novocain wore off. And then it hurt like a rock to the head, but only like a rock would hurt if it caused four teeth with extremely deep roots to pop out of her mouth. Yea, verily, it did become painful, and the pain did wax strong in her mouth, and of eating there was little but pudding. And of pain relief there was Vicodin.
Ahem. I mean that she popped pills like a starving man finding M&M’s in the crevices of his couch. (“And why might a man who owns a couch be starving?” you ask. “Why has he not sold his couch to buy pizza, the sustenance we all crave?” That, my friend, has yet to be determined. But he is starving, and the M&Ms afforded little comfort, but he did eat them anyway. Quit asking questions.) So the pills were popped, the pudding was eaten, and Wodin was depressed, yes, quite sad that she was no longer Wodin the Wise, but, alas, Wodin the Wisdomless. (Shut up, spellchecker! Did I ask your opinion of that word? No, I did not. Therefore, be banished into the depths of fiery greatness! Thank you.)

Wodin was quite upset about it all, but her wonderful mother, Mommy Wise (who has her wisdom teeth, by the way) and her sister Jeanette cared for her. Jeanette did not even force her to scrub toilets, but spoon-fed her pudding and Jell-O ™.

But Wodin was still upset about having lost her wisdom. “Even Jeanette the Jumpy has wisdom teeth! Can it be that even she, Queen of the Latrine, is wiser than I, the Wise? O that it were not true!” She broke down sobbing. Friedrick and Fluff were beside themselves (not literally; literally, they were beside one another. But you get the idea).

“What should we do?” whispered Fluff.

Friedrick shrugged. “Buy her a book of quotations?”

Fluff smacked him, but he rather enjoyed it because she had honey on her paw that was transferred to his cheek, and he licked it off.

Wodin, witnessing this exchange, moaned, “Be careful of bears who lick honey from their cheeks, for they may be plotting to take over the world.”

Friedrick, Fluff, and Jeanette all stopped and stared (Mommy Wise would have, but she was at the store, purchasing pudding, by far the most important job on the planet).

“Wodin! Did you hear yourself?” Jeanette squealed like a schoolgirl.

“You are still wise!” Fluff breathed.

Wodin sat up from her supine position on the couch. “I did! I am!” she said. Then she turned to Friedrick and said, “Licking honey can be a habit difficult for bears to break, particularly if they have already slept on fluffy pillows.”

They all cheered. Mommy Wise entered at that moment and cheered because they all were, not because she knew what was going on. Of course, her cheering became genuine once she did know. And that is the story of how Wodin remained Wise.

This story is brought to you by the letter “N,” the number 23, and Jell-O ™. Don’t forget to peddle pudding in a perambulator!

London Calling

2005-02-18T08:10:00.000-08:00

O thou patient fans of Friedrick and Fluff, yonder awaits a newly crafted tale for your enjoyment. Proceedeth thou hence.

Once upon a time, two tenacious teddy bears lived with Jeanette and her sister, Wodin the Wise. Well, this may come as a shock to some of you, but Wodin was obsessed with England. She was constantly talking about the beautiful British Isles and bemoaning the fact that she was not there. So she decided to go there. She was ever so excited and could hardly wait for the day she could board the plane. After the fiasco in attempting to get the passport (let us never speak of it again), she believed that all would proceed smoothly. Let us take you to the midst of the story as it unfolds…

June 15, 2002

Wodin was ever so excited. She was going to London, to become Wodin the Wiser! Well, she wasn’t really going to change her name, but she thought it would really be more of a character change. Not that the character of Wodin is going to change really anytime soon, but you get the idea. Whew. Back to the gist of the story, which hasn’t really started yet.

Let’s try again: Wodin was going to London!

“Pack plenty of Underwear!” Mommy Wise suggested.

“Don’t forget your toilet plunger!” said Jeanette.

“Do you have your Passport?” Daddy Wise questioned.

“Remember that England is a dangerous country filled with wild boars as well as roaming lions, tigers and bears!” cautioned Friedrick.

“Oh, my!” added Fluff.

In spite of all of this wonderful advice, Wodin was completely oblivious. She was packing some of the silliest things: rope, tape recorder, plastic socks, and a book on Wombats of the South Australian Outback! Silly Wodin! She should have packed her book on Northern Scottish Wombats, commonly known as the Roaming Haggis, Latin name Romus haggisus. Apparently, she wasn’t thinking. Evidence of this was that she only packed twenty rolls of film. And that she nearly forgot an umbrella. Helllooo! McFly! This is London we are talking about. No umbrella? Wodin was clearly addled in the head. However, she was packed two weeks before she even had to arrive at the airport, and she realized she had packed all of her clothing. All of it. Oh dear. So, she had to unpack so she would have clothes to wear for two weeks until she had to leave (But it also gave her a chance to remedy her earlier packing errors).

Other than these small mistakes (“Anyone could make these mistakes,” Fluff consoled her), Wodin was well prepared and thoroughly excited to be on her way to the Australian Outback! Whoops, I mean, the Wilds of Africa. Aside: What do you mean she isn’t going to Africa? Well, Smarty-pants, why don’t YOU write the story? Ahem. Where were we? Ah, yes: right here.

July 4, 2002 (Thursday)

Finally, after weeks of contemplation, daydreaming, longing, and wistful sighing, Wodin was at last off to the great Great Britain!

Her flight was unimaginably boring, yet she could not sleep seeing as the flight attendants thought she needed more honey roasted peanuts, and kept throwing little packets of them at Wodin. Or maybe the flight attendant threw them because she was vindictive and bitter. Either way, Wodin had an overabundance of little peanut packets. Twenty minutes before landing, Wodin gathered the packets in her arms, walked down the aisle to the on flight toilet (or loo, as they say in England!) and flushed them all! Or, at least, she attempted to. Seeing as this toilet was not connected to any sort of network, it simply clogged, and the peanuts could not be flushed. The toilet overflowed, and Wodin ran away before anyone could accuse her of making the mess. Whew! At least she didn’t get caught.

July 5, 2002 (Friday)

Wodin arrived fairly alert, but she walked out of the airport to see rain. “Why did I leave home?” she asked. “I could have seen rain at home!” (Following this, there was a rather nasty encounter with customs, which we will not describe here, seeing as it was very humiliating for all involved. Just know that Wodin was almost banned from England. Banned from England! The birthplace of the Bee Gees!)

She shrugged and was led by a guide named Warren (true story!) to her abode. As she was unpacking, whom did she happen to find stuffed in her luggage but Fluff! She had hitched a ride! Wodin’s plastic socks were stuffed in her mouth (apparently a result of transatlantic jostling) and as soon as Wodin liberated her, Fluff spat them out. She had been turning quite blue, but her fur slowly returned to its normal, Fluffy, white state.

“Do you know how long I was in there?” she growled.

Wodin began to count on her fingers, “One, two, seven….Sixteen hours?”

Fluff merely grrrowled and rrrroufled in response. Wodin understood her guess to be accurate.

The day was long. They had traveled for many, many hours, and they were worn out. They then tramped around the area they were staying, although the fatigue almost made them fall over while they were on Finchley Road (“Finchley!” harrumphed Fluff. “I hate birds!”). Finally, it was the going-to-bed time. However, Wodin needed to be showered, dressed, and fed by 10 am the following morning to take her already paid for tour of (drumroll!) London! Wodin looked at her clock, carefully set it for 8 am the next day, and turned off her lights and settled down for a long winter’s nap… er, I mean, she went to bed.

As she slept, she slept peacefully, losing track of all time, forgetting her body clock was in a period of adjustment. Suddenly, she awakened at the slam of a door. Wodin sat up in bed. It was light outside. What time was it? She grabbed her clock. 9:30! Her alarm had not gone off! She would be late to the bus! She shook Fluff awake and whispered, “We have no time! We must be off!” Fluff mumbled, “Peanut butter, peanut butter!” and rolled back into bed and snuggled down. Wodin didn’t notice; she was too busy trying to put her jeans on over her pajama bottoms. She also put toothpaste on her hairbrush and ran it through her hair, and then she sprayed her teeth with hairspray and she put her socks on her hands and tried tying her shoes. Poor Wodin! She was in such a dither! She dashed out of her room in a panic and crashed into a girl coming from the communal bathroom. The girl looked at Wodin and her unusual coiffure very strangely. Wodin panted and looked at her watch. “Don’t we need to be at the bus?” she panted. The girl looked at her in a manner stranger still. Wodin rolled her eyes and continued, “You know, for the city tour of (drumroll!) London?” The girl stopped looking at her strangely and merely burst out laughing.

“Oh, Hon!” she exclaimed in a Kentucky accent, “That’s not until tomorrow morning!”

It was Wodin’s turn to look at someone strangely (she gets this opportunity so infrequently that she made it good). “Tomorrow?”

Kentucky Girl nodded and said, “It’s still Friday!”

Wodin looked at her watch again. Sure enough, there was a little tiny “pm” on it, and the light in her window was there because the sun had not set yet. Wodin felt very sheepish. She thanked Kentucky Girl, and returned to her room to the sleeping Fluff. Wodin removed the socks from her hands, rinsed the toothpaste from her hair in her sink, and returned to bed. Fluff rolled over in her sleep and muttered, “That’s what you get for dancing upon the Tower of London in knickers.”

“You said it,” Wodin acquiesced.

Thank you folks, and that is all for this week’s edition of “Wodin in London!” Stay tuned for next week’s unnecessary venture to Stonehenge and the wackiness that occurs when Fluff accidentally knocks down 4,000 year old Sarsen stones! Until next time, remember to floss your teeth, or you could end up looking like an Englishman!

Brought to you by English Muffins, the English horn, scones, and the letter ‘E’.

Be careful with those Sarsen Stones, Fluff!

A Monstrously Scary Abscessed Test

2005-02-17T07:57:00.000-08:00

Once upon a time, there was a girl. A very Wise girl. In fact, she was so wise, her name was Chuck. Ha! I kid. Her name was Wodin the Wise. Anyhow, she was very Wise, and she studied very hard in school. She was a student at the notorious—did I say notorious? I meant Prestigious—WOU, also known as Whacked Out University. Seriously. Anyhow, so she studied. In addition, she studied. Did I mention that she studied? And, despite all evidence to the contrary, she actually usually sometimes enjoyed herself. And so she studied.

She was still in the throes of indecision: what should her major be? She thought that majoring in the Australian Language and working on the campaign for the Emancipation for the Elusive Wombat would be fun, but Lovely Lola had already done that. Besides, that Major was not offered at WOU, even though the words “Whacked Out” appeared in the name of the school, and despite the propensity of the school to be decidedly strange, but you pay no nevermind to that, you young’uns! Anyway, so she decided to be a teacher of Pencil Sharpening. No kidding. There really is a demand for that sort of thing. I mean, what with the new requirements that students get job training in schools and all, this sort of training for students planning to be Administrative Assistants is essential. Of course, Wodin will take more classes than simply Pencil Sharpening. She will also learn about Mechanical Pencils, Refillable Pens, and the benefits of permanent and washable ink. Wodin was ever so excited to be taking these classes so she could become a teacher to better Humanity, even if Humanity didn’t want to be bettered. Never mind that. Humanity could just rear its ugly head and kiss her—Oh wait. This is a Family Story. Forgive me. I blush. I also Digress; where was I? Ah, right here.

So, Wodin desired to become a teacher. Before the Big-Wigs in charge of Education would allow this to transpire, however, Wodin was required to take a monstrous test, six hours long, called the MSAT, which stands for (Wodin believes) Monstrously Scary Abscessed Test. Abscessed because her brain felt abscessed merely thinking about the test, much less when it came right down to taking the test. But take it she did.

Wodin was very nervous on Test Day. She was afraid that they would test her on knowledge she did not posses. You know, testing her on stuff other than pens and pencils. Well, never fear, because of course they would test her on things she had never heard of! That is the point of a test. However, she felt she could answer the first question. It read something like this:

1. “On the first day of class, the teacher handed the syllabus to all of the students as they walked through the door.”
Which of the following changes would be most dramatic in the above sentence?
a. Change “all of” to “each and every”
b. “students” to “students”
c. “door” to “door”
d. I don’t know. This is a stupid question anyway.

Wodin spent considerable time pondering the question. She simply did not know which answer was more accurate. In fact, considering the situation, it would be appropriate to say that she panicked outright. She began to breathe rather quickly and shallowly. In fact, some witnesses claim there was hyperventilation involved, but Wodin denies the allegations. Anyhow, she calmed down, and looked at the options: “Well, the last one is hardly a change in the sentence,” she mused. “And the other two don’t seem to be changes either.” She thought a bit more. “But is ‘a’ really a dramatic change? Would I choose that in order to make my sentence more dramatic?” At that point, she realized that all of the students around her were glaring quite steadily at her, and the Test Administrator Man frowned at her and said in his best Test Administratorly Man Voice, “Keep it down. There is no thinking, silent or out-loud, permitted during this, the multiple choice section of the test.” Wodin hunched her shoulders, blushed, and got back to work. She ceased thinking, and from there on out she simply filled in the little bubbles. And that was that. Indeed, when she finished, she discovered that she was 45 minutes ahead of time. She was rather giddy at the prospect, until she remembered that there was a second portion of the test made up of Essay questions. She wanted to cry, but she did not. So she turned in her multiple choice answer sheet with all of the wonderful bubbles filled in (not all of the bubbles, but one for each question; you get the idea) and left the room whistling while the Test Administrator Man glowered at her. She did not notice the glower. Instead, she went and sharpened her pencils, because that was what she knew how to do. Plus, she needed her pencils sharp for the Essay Portion of The Test. Dun-dun-dun.

So the essay portion of the MSAT rolled around. Alas, Wodin was once again shaking in her boots. (No, she wasn’t really wearing boots, but it is a nice phrase.) Anyhow, she sat back down in her desk and awaited the exam. Of course, because she was required to be there by 10:45, the test did not begin until 11:30. Naturally. When she opened her book and read the first question, she panicked again. Some of the other students might be persuaded to say that she ran around the room screaming, “It’s got me! It’s got me!” but that would just be their word against hers. (And they won’t be talking any time soon. Trust me.) But, she eventually did calm down and begin to write answers to the test. Until she came to a hideously ugly (that’s not redundant) math question. She began to stutter.

“Th-that’s n-n-not poss-ssible! You c-can’t writ-te an essay ab-b-bout MATH!”
The Administrator Man scowled at her again. She stopped talking and began crying silently instead. When lo and behold! Merv the Fairy God Cabby appeared! Wodin looked around, but it didn’t appear that anyone, not even Surly Test Administrator Man, noticed Merv.

Merv took the cigar from his mouth and said, “Eh, whaddaya want? I ain’t gat all day, ya know.”

Wodin gulped, and whispered, “I have a math essay question I need to do. Can you help me?”

Merv looked at the problem and said, “The answer is 42. Trust me. Just write it down.”

Wodin looked confused. “But, but, I have to explain my answer!”

Merv growled, “Jus’ say yeh gat it from Me, Miss Whiny-Pants!” And then he disappeared in a foul cloud of Cigar smoke.

Lola coughed, and shrugged. And she wrote down 42. It was as good an answer as she would have come up with, she was sure. And as for the explanation? Well, she simply wrote: “Merv said so.” And that was that. But never fear (or perhaps you should), that is not all the test entailed! Indeed, there was more to that test than met the eyes (or eye, if you are a large giant, hairy Cyclops, which Wodin is not, but the writer wishes to steer clear of alienating any of her audience who might not be visually blessed enough to have both of his or her eyes). Indeed, she needed to write a hideous essay on interpretive dance. I kid not. She looked at a rather silly picture in the test booklet, wishing it would dance around like in the Harry Potter books, but alas, the figures remained motionless. She must write an essay about what she believed their movements (as captured by still-frame photographic technology) were depicting. In a rather astute moment, Wodin began to write:

“The picture of the dancers depicts them in a dancing arrangement whilst they are dancing. That they are dancing is obvious: they are twirling and leaping about (or would be, if the picture were more Harry Potter-like). It is obvious that they are dancing and not, for example, playing golf. If they were playing golf, they would have golf clubs in their hands. Seeing as they do not have golf clubs, it is logical to assume that the dancers, so called because of their dance-like arrangement, are indeed dancing. However, it looks as though the third dancer from the left wishes he were playing golf instead of dancing. Thank you.”

Well, that was nearly the last of her essays, and she breezed through the rest of them with no problem (except for the one about the homeless wombats of southern Australia, but that question was only a problem because it caused her to reminisce about Lovely Lola for a time). When it was all over, she exited the room, snapping her carefully sharpened pencils, saying, “O, that I were a test administrator, I would verily strike the writers of such tests upon the crowns of their heads. Yea, I wouldst cry mightily unto them saying, why hast thou tortured me thus? May you have carbuncles upon your toes.” Wodin wept bitterly, and then retired to her drawing room, and invited Colonel Mustard to join her for a glass of sherry and… Whoops! heh, heh! That is the other story I am working on. Actually, Wodin returned to her room, where Fredrick and Fluff were waiting for her so they could give her a back rub. And they did, and she enjoyed it, falling into a deep stupor, induced by the test and massage. Friedrick and Fluff, those tenacious little teddy bears, crept out of her room, whispering “May we never encounter such a test, Titus.” And, “O that such a calamity may never befall us, Lavinia.” And that was that.

Today’s installment of “The Adventures of Friedrick and Fluff” is sponsored in part by Cherry Jell-O, the national snack of Teddy Bears everywhere!

Going Postal

2005-02-16T08:09:00.000-08:00

So... Wodin the Wise is going to London! Yes, that's right, folks, London, England (As opposed to London, Ohio). She will be gone this summer, and she is ever so excited. However, she thought that going would be merely a matter of boarding a plane and arriving 15 hours later in Heathrow airport.

Hahahahaha! How naive... No, she needs money (well, she'll hit Friedrick and Fluff up for the dough) and a Passport. A passport! Aren't the English and Americans on good terms? Why do we need passports? Alas, Wodin decided that she would endeavor to get a passport. So she went and picked up an application at the local Post office. The application said she needed two photographs, a birth certificate, and money. Fine. She went and had two hideously grotesque photos taken, and for these photos she paid $10. She grudgingly paid the pierced photo man. Then she had to order certified copies of her birth certificate. And how do you do this? you might ask. Well, you pay them money! "Enough with the money, already!" said Wodin. She was broke and she hadn't even paid for the trip yet. She sighed, and paid the money. And then she waited. And waited. And waited. And finally her birth certificate arrived in the Mail. Hooray! She could go back to the post office and give her materials to the Post Office Man, right? It all seemed so simple once...

So on Friday she went to the Monmouth Post Office, and she asked Post Office Man if she could do her Passport stuff there. He said, "No. You'll have to go to Salem. Or Corvallis. Or Albany." Wodin the Wise smiled politely and backed away, all the while thinking to herself, "Albany? Albany?" She shook her head, and sighed. It was Friday, and she'd never get to Salem to turn her materials in before the Post Office closed. So she turned to her roommate, who graciously agreed to drive her to Salem, the very next day.

*Passage of Time....*

So, she and her roommate go to Salem, and find the very well-hidden Post Office. The pull up, get out, walk up to the door, and... "It's closed?" Shrieked Wodin. "It's closed?" The Roommate tried to placate her, but there was no placating to be done. Wodin was beside herself. "At home, in piddly Aloha, the Post Office is open on Saturday! Why isn't the post office in the STATE CAPITOL open on a @#$%*! Saturday?" (Note: No swearing was actually done. The symbols are inserted for stylistic and creative reasons. Thank you.) Wodin wanted to toilet paper the capitol building and the Post office, but her roommate was able to distract her with a quarter (Wodin is easily distracted by shiny things). So Wodin called her mother, Mommy Wise, who soothed her and said, "Spring Break is coming. You can ask for peanut butter covered newspapers and do your passport stuff then. In the meantime, breathe deep, and play with quarters." Mommy Wise knew her daughter's weakness. And so it was done. Wodin took deep breaths and played with quarters, ending up in a stupor until class started on Monday Morning. And that was that.

Brought to you today by the United States Postal Service, and the Letter 'W'.

The MOlympics: 2002 Salt Lake

2005-02-15T07:15:00.000-08:00

Hello, folks! And here it is, once again, time for the biennial Olympic (or should I say Molympic?) edition of The Adventures of Friedrick and Fluff! Please, wear your seatbelts, keep your head and hands inside the bobsled, and we’re off!

Once again, the Olympics had returned, this time to Utah, that state where the Big Hair roams, and there is a Big Yutz University (attended by someone Wodin knows as Anna the Astute). Well, Friedrick and Fluff wanted to compete very badly. They loved their competition appearance in the Sydney Olympics, so they believed that an appearance in Salt Lake would be just as fun, right? Unfortunately, Friedrick’s best event was Toilet Flushing, which would not be offered at the Winter Olympics, seeing as the water would freeze in the cataclysmically freezing temperatures in Utah. Friedrick shrugged, and began to peruse a catalogue of offered Olympic events.

“Hmmm… Skeleton…No… Snowboarding? No… Moguls, Ouch!” Friedrick rubbed his tail where he had fallen on a mogul just the other night. Moguls skiing was definitely and resolutely out. And then he came to it: Ice dancing! “Fluff! We shall be the Two Tenacious Dancing Bears!” And Fluff agreed, as long as she could be involved in the Super G (Picabo’s old reigning favorite) and Friedrick agreed as long as he could try out for the luge. And so it was decided. They were going to make their way to Utah to compete (and visit Lovely Lola, who was in Utah in training for missionarying). Friedrick and Fluff began to work on their dance moves (even though Fluff was disappointed that she could not tap-dance on anyone’s head in skates) and they improved drastically in a very short time. Fluff qualified for the Super G easily, and Friedrick was able to cut one-one-hundredth of a second off his luge time by smearing his body with Cheez Whiz. This worked well, but the Cheez Whiz froze to his fur, and was very difficult to get off. “Ah, but all for the sport!” Friedrick stated firmly. And so his technique was adopted by several of the Austrian Lugers, but none of them used it quite as well as Friedrick did.

But February came around, and it was time to compete in the Olympics. The stage was set, and boy, was it huge! Because Friedrick and Fluff are siblings, Rob Costless and his sidekick, perpetually perky Karly Colic, decided to do a small, tear-jerking feature on the bears. It was done in black and white, with the Rob Costless voice-over: “It isn’t often that we meet two such tenacious teddy bears, but it is even less often that we meet tenacious teddy bears with tragic tragedies in their tragic past.” The screen flashed to a shot of Fluff staring morosely out of a generic window at a skating rink as she re-told the story of her trip to Siberia and the days with that Toilet Tyrant (aka, Jeanette): “That was the lowest point, I believe. We loved Jeanette, and her mania for clean toilets interrupted our dance training. But it was through her and our trip to Siberia that we were first introduced to the novelty of ice. Our furry coats were perfect for the icy setting.” The screen then flashed to a shot of the bears with Jeanette. “We are now on very good terms with Jeanette,” says Friedrick effusively, as the shot dissolves into one of the bears practicing their dance routine on the ice. “She helped us to realize that we could be strong.” Then, the voice of Rob Costless comes once again, as the shot becomes a series of individual frames showing the bears training for their different events. “These bears are not only into ice dancing, but Friedrick, the younger brother, is competing in the Luge event, and Fluff, the older sister, is competing in the Super G as well.” Then the screen turned to pictures of their Summer Games debut. “But the World will remember these bears as the first siblings to compete in both the Summer and Winter Olympics consecutively. The first bears, really. Can they repeat their success of the previous games? Only time will tell.” Then the coverage immediately went to a commercial. Friedrick and Fluff were greatly excited to have the documentary shown to as many people were watching the Olympic coverage. They thought it would be lovely to garner more fame than ever before. That way, their next Presidential bid might have more success. But it was time to get down to business.

Friedrick and Fluff spent as much time on the ice as the Russians would give them (the Russians were still upset at the fact that Friedrick had beaten a Russian at the Toilet Flushing competition in Sydney), but no matter, Friedrick and Fluff were working hard anyway. Finally, the day came when the bears were to compete.

Fluff was a nervous wreck, in her blue and green sequined skating outfit, and Friedrick in his all black, streamlined outfit. They were all prepared to skate, when, out of nowhere, someone ran up, and whacked her in the knee, and she went down, in a ball of tears and screaming, “It hurts, oh, it hurts!” And then Nancy… Oops, sorry. Wrong Olympics. Where was I? Right. The ice. So, Friedrick and Fluff hit the ice, and struck their pose. The music began, and they effortlessly glided across the ice. They made a beautiful move called a “Klechermannschaft,” where Friedrick skated on one foot while Fluff leaned upon him and took both of her feet off of the ice. It was spectacular. The crowd went wild. Until Fluff’s shoelace broke, and she began to cry, and she went to the judges and demanded a “do-over” (yes, that is the technical term) and… Oh, wait. There I go again. Where was I? Ah, yes, the Klechermannschaft. So, they performed this ridiculously difficult move, and they were given good scores. They were very pleased. The announcer even said, “That will be a tough program to beat, Rob!” to which Rob Costless replied, “Indeed. But the Russians have yet to skate. Now to a commercial.” So there was a commercial where Friedrick and Fluff endorsed Jell-O, usurping Bill Cosby’s role (he was bitter, but that is another story, and has nothing to do with the story at hand. The point is there was a commercial. Now, let’s get back to the Olympic coverage. Thank you).

So, the Russians skated next in the rotation. Friedrick and Fluff bit their nails (claws?) nervously until the scores came up, and… The Russians won. Friedrick and Fluff automatically launched an investigation about the erroneous judging, and they were very angry. They went to the IOC (I’m an Obstinate Crackhead) Committee to get it all straightened out, and the President of the Committee said, “You’ll shoot your eye out, kid.” So Friedrick and Fluff went back to the skating venue, only to find that they had been beat by several other pairs of skaters, namely the French and Canadian pairs (the Canadians got in because everyone felt so bad for them). Friedrick and Fluff were still upset, so they went back to the IOC Committee president, to complain once again. But instead of getting sympathy, the president said, “No, I will not talk to you bears any more today.” So the bears danced on his head. It made them feel much better. But it still did not solve anything. Instead, they decided to go to their next competitions.

Fluff’s was first, and Friedrick went to watch her. Fluff stood at the gate at the top of the hill, and then rocketed downward, flying by gate after gate! She was on a roll! She was on fire! She had everything to live for! Until she slipped going around one of the last gates. And then she tumbled over the finish line. It was still a legitimate finish, but, alas, because of her fall, she had added extra time to her run, and she was out of medal contention. It appeared that the Rob Costless curse would claim those two tenacious teddy bears (you know, the curse that whomever Rob Costless features prominently in a short documentary does not do well at all, but instead goes on to lose the gold, their dog, and their left eye. Okay so perhaps that is a bit of a generalization, but you get the point). The amazing Olympic team of F & F was about to go down. There was but one hope left: Friedrick in the Luge.

The time for competition came, and Friedrick carefully smeared his body with Cheez Whiz. He went to the start house, and awaited his turn. He got on his sled… “One… Two…. Three!” shouted the startman. Friedrick launched himself out of the start house and raced through the first curve. By the second curve, he was a half second ahead and going nearly seventy miles per hour! It was amazing. Fluff could hardly watch. Rob Costless was (for once) at a loss for words. Friedrick went zipping through the curves and he made it across the finish line in the lead! All was well! Everyone cheered for Friedrick! Except for the angry German competitor who Friedrick had beat out for the gold. He went to the President of the IOC committee and complained that the use of Cheez Whiz was illegal. The President looked into matters and found that it was indeed an illegal substance. Friedrick broke down and cried, right there on national television. He rubbed the tears away, and then went to lick his hand (because it still had Cheez Whiz on it; Yum!) The Rob Costless Curse had struck again (it had also struck that poor skier, and the snowboarder). Friedrick and Fluff both cried, until Fluff whispered to Friedrick, “At least the ice wasn’t as slippery as a wet fish.” And Friedrick replied, “It was more slippery than my Cheez Whiz, though,” and they both cried. (Truth be told, Rob Costless cried, too, but that is because he is easily influenced by the power of suggestion.)

So instead, of waiting around for the awards (none of which were going to our competitive coterie), the bears decided to go and visit Lovely Lola (now known as Hermana Lovely).

Hermana Lovely was doing, well, lovely. She was ever so excited to see the two bears. But, as she was racing to greet them, she slipped on the ice and fell. She landed directly upon her—ahem—nether region. She was rather sore, and rather embarrassed, but that did not prevent her from greeting the bears just the same. They talked for a bit of time (not long, because Hermana Lovely had other things to attend to) before the bears had to leave Hermana Lovely to do, well, lovely things! So the two teddy bears returned to their hotel rooms. There, they packed for home, since they had not won anything. They were about to flush themselves home, when up though the toilet popped Karly Colic! She began to gush about their style on the ice, and how much she loved their Toilet Travel Method book, and how she had voted for them in the election. She ended her awe-inspired diatribe by asking, “…so, can I have your autograph?” She looked as giddy as a schoolgirl with a large ice cream cone with two scoops of double fudge mint ice cream. Friedrick and Fluff, however, were unimpressed, and (as Karly stood there, awe-stricken) they knew what they had to do. They pulled out their Light Sabers and began to duel… Oops; here’s what they really did: They tap-danced on Karly Colic’s forehead until she passed out, and then they flushed her back to the broadcast headquarters. (They weren’t Toilet Flushing Gold medallists for nothing, you know.)

That night, on the news, Friedrick and Fluff heard the following newscast:

“Late this afternoon, our reporter Karly Colic was found in the station’s bathroom soaking wet and with a concussion. She was admitted to the hospital for observation, but her physicians say she will be back on the job by tomorrow morning. No word yet on how the incident occurred. All Karly has said about the incident is that she knew that Wayne Newton was right all along. Rob, back to you.” The bears turned off the television at that point and turned to one another. “Discretion at the next run-in with a celebrity should be exercised,” said Fluff solemnly. Friedrick nodded, then grinned evilly. “Let us send Karly and Wayne some flowers…” He said. And it was done. And that was that.

Stay tuned for next time, when Friedrick and Fluff find more unusual things to do and go to more unusual places!

This is brought to you by green Jell-O, The Figure Skating Association, and the Committee for the Bettering of Canadians.

Dastardly Detective Dan

2005-02-14T10:47:00.000-08:00

Lovely Lola was going to visit her wonderful friend, Wodin the Wise. She was oh-so-excited to see her wise friend. She was driving quickly, but safely—honest. As she was driving, she was pulled over by a police officer. “Do you know what you did?” he asked. Lola’s lovely eyes filled with tears as she shook her head. The officer with the stern gaze told her she had driven recklessly, and she must face a judge. Lola burst into tears. And when she burst into tears, what do you think happened? Absolutely nothing. Merv the Fairy-God-Cabby should have appeared, but something must have gone wrong, because he did not show. This lack of presence made Lola cry even harder. The police officer had a mean ol’ sidekick, named Detective Dan, and he was mean. He said, “What do you mean? How can you not know what you did? IT was foul! And mean! And downright despicable!” And Lola stopped crying, looked Detective Dan in the eye, and began to bawl louder and messier than ever. She leaned over and blew her nose noisily on Detective Dan’s clean tie. This infuriated Detective Dan, so he stomped back to the patrol vehicle and, with the help of the police officer, wrote Lola a nasty ticket, requiring her to appear in court the very next week. Lola drove off slowly with tears still in her eyes. What she did not notice, however, was that Detective Dan had an evil glint in his eyes. “I’ll get those little demon bears this time!” he muttered. Detective Dan was really Wayne Newton in disguise!

*****

As soon as Lola arrived back at her home, she telephoned those two tenacious teddy bears that we all know and love: Friedrick and Fluff. Fluff answered the phone. “F & F Enterprises. Fluff speaking. How may I help you?”

Lola was confused. “F&F Enterprises? What’s that?”

Fluff cleared her throat and began to speak, “F & F Enterprises includes all of our business and professional endeavors. We created the Enterprise to try and prevent the whole Bore/Shrub fiasco from ever occurring again. Ever.” Fluff paused. “Why have YOU called our Enterprise?”

Lola began to wail. She began to sob. It was uncontrollable. Fluff began to get frustrated. She hates it when Lola gets hysterical. She barked into the phone, “Out with it! What is going on?”

Lola hiccupped and bawled, “Igannogonnocorrrrttt!”

Fluff, at her end of the phone, lifted one eyebrow (if that is possible for a teddy bear) and said, “No kidding. That is an unusual malady. Perhaps if you went to see a doctor, he could prescribe something to cure that rash.”

Lola stomped her foot and drew in her breath long enough to get out, “I got to go to court!” There was more uncontrolled bawling, and she continued with, “I got a ticket from a man named Detective Dan!” Then she completely broke down, again.

Fluff frowned. “We’ll be right there,” she said mystically, and hung up the phone. Fluff turned to Friedrick, who was on the other phone, talking about the latest soccer match. Fluff turned to him and said, “We have a code blue emergency. Grab your egg beater and a rain coat. Detective Dan is at it again.” Friedrick’s eyes widened, and he said to the telephone, “I must leave you, your Highness. Duty calls. Yes, I know that this is an invitation that I cannot refuse. You have my word. My sister and I will attend your party.” He turned to Fluff after hanging up the phone. “THAT was the Queen of Archenisia. She wants us at her Coronation party!”

“Dandy,” said Fluff. “But first we have to go deal with something…”

*****

Back at the Police Headquarters, other officers had begun to wonder about Detective Dan. He didn’t seem so concerned about tracking down criminals as he did about this one Lola person. In fact, he hadn’t even worked on his other cases. He had only opened Lola’s file. The other officers also began to question his police background. It seemed a little fishy, that’s all. He frequently wore his police badge upside-down, or forgot to carry his weapon. It was all very strange…

*****

Lola was sobbing on her pillow when she heard a knock at the door. At her door stood Friedrick and Fluff, both wearing pinstriped power suits and sunglasses. When the door opened, they marched in and set their briefcases down on the coffee table, simultaneously opened them, and withdrew some papers. Fluff and Friedrick sat down on the couch and motioned for Lola to do the same. Lola was astonished, but she sat down. Fluff began to speak. “I have looked into this matter quite thoroughly. In fact, I have been tracking the movements of this so-called “Detective Dan” all over the United States. He, in fact, is not a detective at all. He is Wayne Newton, searching for retribution. He thinks that by harming you, he can get us. He is almost right. By harming you, WE will get HIM." Fluff smiled sinisterly, and began to map out their plan to expose the fraudulent Detective Dan.

*****

The morning of Lola’s court date found our hero and heroines in the courtroom. Lola looked very professional, but she was also very unsure about many things. She was unsure about the accusations, she was unsure about Fluff’s plan, and she was unsure about Fluff’s authority to represent Lola in court. Did the F & F Enterprise really include a law firm as well as Speech Writers Ltd.? Well, Lola decided that the fewer questions asked, the better for all involved. So she sat there, looking demure. Then, the prosecutor followed by the evil Detective Dan entered the room. Detective looked maliciously at Lola, and he shuddered when he saw those two tenacious teddy bears. He also started a tic at the corner of his left eye. How curious, Lola thought.

The bailiff entered, and announced the entrance of the Honorable Judge Paddywhack. The stern judge looked at all the parties involved, and began the proceedings. The prosecutor said that Lola was charged with evading a police officer and scribbling graffiti on the men’s restroom at the county jail. Lola was confused, and so was the judge. They both looked at the prosecutor, who said, “Well, that’s what I’ve got written!” Judge Paddywhack sighed and slammed his gavel down. “This young lady could not have been in the Men’s restroom at the county jail! She was never arrested! Perhaps you had better check your files again, pudding head!”

The prosecutor was flustered, and he shuffled through his papers, and said, “Nope. This is the one with Ms. Lovely’s name on it.” Detective Dan, AKA Wayne, began to sweat, and his eye twitched a little faster. The judge was disgusted. “What a bunch of loonies,” he muttered. He shook his head. “You have presented me with false charges and no evidence. I am going to have to drop these charges.”

Suddenly, Fluff stood up and said, “Your Honor, If I may say a few words?” Judge Paddywhack nodded. Fluff began. “Ladies and Gentlemen of the courtroom, I have some startling evidence that I would like to present. It shows that Detective Dan,” she whirled around to point a fluffy paw in his direction, “is an imposter! He is not a detective, or even really a police officer! He is Wayne Newton!” With this proclamation, she ran over to Detective Dan and pulled off his thick bushy mustache and aviator sunglasses to reveal the true face of Wayne Newton! At this, Wayne began to scream, “She touched me! Get her away! The little bear touched me! I could be contaminated! You could be next! Get it off me!” The Judge looked warily at Wayne, and said, “Bailiff, take Wayne here and drop him in the loony bin. Charges against Ms. Lola Lovely have been dropped, and the court apologizes for the inconvenience this has caused.”

Lola, Friedrick, and Fluff began to cheer as Wayne was carted out of the courtroom in a straightjacket. It was a good day. “How on earth did I get charged with graffiti and evading arrest?” Lola asked Fluff. Fluff grinned devilishly. “I switched your real papers with ones I made up. Anyway, he didn’t have any evidence for the other one anyway.” Lola leaned down and spoke to Fluff, “Detectives who wear green Jell-O for a hat should be made to eat lip gloss.” Fluff nodded and said, “Instead of being given pudding in a silver dish.” Friedrick didn’t add any comments. He was too busy trying to open his pudding cup.

And that was that.

Another Wedding

2005-02-13T07:23:00.000-08:00

Well, once again it is the time for Lovely Lola to sojourn into the worlds of friendships and strangeness. Of all the strangest things, Masked Mal was getting married to her own true love. And Lola was her own true Maid of Honor! Stan, Wodin, and Claudette were all bridesmaids. Claudette, having gone through the process of marriage once before, was glad that it was Mal, not her, that was getting married. “Besides,” she shrugged, “Confused Chris might object.”

As the date of the wedding approached closer and closer, Mal became more and more frantic. She found that the more she tried to think about things, the more she forgot. She even forgot to go to her own Wedding shower! (She made it, but only because Lola showed up at her home and said, “I am here to take you to your oh-so-lovely party!” Mal did not disclose to her the fact that she had even forgotten that she was going. But she went so as not to hurt Lola’s feelings.) Anyhow, she was close to panic, because her wedding was to be the most wonderful event of the century, yet she had no theme for her wedding! “Claudette had a Friedrick and Fluff themed wedding! That was so clearly superb, that I cannot think of anything else to top that!” And she began to wail. She simply sank to the floor in utter desperation. And the wedding was only three days away! As she lay there crying, Suddenly, who should appear—you guessed it!—Fluff. Fluff pulled Mal’s head into her lap, and said, “There, there, tell Auntie Fluff, What’s the matter?” Mal suddenly looked up at Fluff, and said, “Auntie Fluff? Where did THAT come from?” Fluff bared her teeth oh-so sweetly, and said, “Listen, sweetie, If you want help, I’m here, okay?”

So Mal told Fluff all of her problems about being unable to find a suitable theme for her wedding, and then into how the wedding was a mere three days away, and how her dress was still being altered, and how the shoes were the wrong color white, and how the bridesmaid’s dresses were two different colors (whoops, that was no mistake, that was on purpose!) and how the cake was not confirmed yet, because there was an exotic ingredient missing, and…. The list continued on and on. There was no end to the list. It went on into infinity. There were so many problems, that Fluff screamed. At her scream, who should appear but our friendly neighborhood New York Fairy God-Cabby Merv! Of course, he was three feet off the ground, floating gently in midair, a cigar clenched tightly in the corner of his mouth, with three days’ growth of stubble on his chin, and wearing his world-renowned pink fluffy tutu. “Whaddaya want?” Merv growled, tapping is foot on… Well, nothing. He was in the air. But regardless, he was still tapping his foot. Mal looked up at him and began to speak, and Merv cut her off with a, “Not You, HER!” as he nodded to Fluff. Fluff stuck her tongue out at Mal, and began to rant and rave. “She keeps talking about all of these problems to do with her wedding, but there is no way I can possibly know what she wants me to do about it, much less fix the problems!” Merv nodded his head knowingly. “Tell me about it,” he grumbled. “I get that all the time. So whaddaya want ME to do about it?” Fluff thought for a moment, and suddenly an evil smile came to her face. She whispered her evil thought into Merv’s ear, and an evil smile spread across his face. Until Fluff said, “But we can’t do that after all; there simply isn’t enough pudding in the world for that.” And Merv’s face fell. He scuffed his toe on the… Well, he would have scuffed it on the ground, had he been close enough, but instead, he just looked silly. (Well, what was to be expected from a cab driver that wears a tutu? Although, I am told that this is not that unusual in New York. However, moving on…) Then Merv had a brilliant idea. He whispered it to Fluff, who whispered it to Mal, whose wail of sobs ceased. A slow smile crept across her face, and she said, “Why, yes, that is a lovely idea!” And all was well…

The day of the wedding arrived, and the whole guest list, including Groom and Maid of Honor, had no idea what the theme would be for the wedding. Everyone began to speculate about Mal’s wedding. All Mal’s sweetie knew was that he was to wear a kilt, with a dagger in his socks. Mal gave special instruction to each member of the wedding party, along with a secret garment bag. In the secret garment bag there was a special outfit for each of the party members, and each was to keep their costume a secret from all the rest. First, Friedrick and Fluff danced down the aisle in Toreador and Flamenco costumes, respectively as ring bearer and flower girl. Then, Lola weaved herself down the aisle in an outfit that rivaled that of Carmen Miranda, the lady who wore the fruit on her head. Lola was impressive, except for the fact that she had taken a bite from one of the wax fruit on her head (it had simply been too inviting). Then Wodin flounced through the church in an outfit that looked remarkably like the Swiss Miss. She even had braids, and a sappy smile (she just loved weddings). Stan was next, and she grumpily clomped down the aisle in a Japanese Kimono. She was unhappy because she had had to wear the shoes that went with the outfit, and she felt that it would have been much better if she had been allowed to wear her sneakers, but Mal wouldn’t have it. Then Claudette walked down the aisle wearing a Hawaiian grass skirt and Hawaiian print shirt. Stan was jealous, because Claudette was allowed to wear no shoes at all. Finally it was the big moment. Mal had known what all of the attendants were wearing, but none of them knew what she was wearing. As she appeared, a gasp went through the audience: she was wearing a beautiful Indian Sari. Mal smiled serenely, and walked down the aisle, looking sweetly at her husband to be, who was still frowning at having to wear a skirt. The minister (dressed as an African tribesman) began the ceremonies, and Mal was soon wed. At the reception, Lola was still confused. “Dear Mal,” she whispered, “was your theme ‘The Countries of the World?’” Mal looked at her in surprise and said, “No! The theme was to use all of the outfits that Merv has had to use over the years in all of the places he’s had work as a Fairy God Cabby. I suppose the theme was ‘Outfits by Merv.’” Lola’s eyes opened widely and her mouth dropped in shock. “You… you… you mean to s-s-say that this dress was once worn by MERV!?!” Mal smiled and nodded. Lola ran away screaming, something about having to change and shower, but Mal just shrugged and said to her hubby, “I guess we should have all danced in a vat of pudding.” To which he wisely replied, “Yes, and then set the flowers on fire.”

And that was that.

Lovely Lola Graduates

2005-02-12T08:10:00.000-08:00

Well, was Lola ever so surprised. She was finally graduating from Big Yutz University, with a degree in Wombat Studies and a minor in the Australian dialect. She was absolutely delighted. Her time at the Olympics with Friedrick and Fluff had helped to hone her skills as both a wild wombat handler and as a translator of Australian for confused Americans with her solid grasp of the Australian language. But she was finally graduating, and that was all that mattered. She invited all of her best friends and family. Lovely Mom and Dad were just oh-so-proud of their darling daughter, and were pleased as punch that she was graduating. Perhaps she would go into a zoo, or perhaps become the speechwriter for the Confederation of Wombats (Known as C.O.W.). C.O.W. was involved in stopping Wombat slavery and preventing the illegal migration, immigration, and deportation of wombats around the world. Of course, this mostly just applied in Australia, because, after all, how many other countries have native wombats? Exactly. That is my point. Anyway, back to the graduation…

Lola was just simply THRILLED to be graduating, but I think we went over that already. Anyhow, Masked Mal, Klepto Karl, Claudette the Crazy, and Confused Chris all went to the graduation. Wodin wanted to, but she was stuck in Oregon, being forced to endure the rigors of studying and so forth. It was much the same with Stan, poor girl. Friedrick and Fluff, however, were pleased to be able to attend. They were especially touched that they had been invited, particularly after the Engagement Party debacle. But we won’t speak of that, will we? (At least someone had been kind enough to free Lola from her position by the fireplace.)

The day of Graduation had arrived. The proud family came to watch Lola walk in the ceremony and receive an empty folder, of which she could be exceedingly proud. So, the family sat in the front row. Every member had a camera or a camcorder in his or her hand. Each wanted to record the special day in their own way. Lola’s Lovely Mom even had a tape recorder, so as to record the moment when Lola’s name was announced. Isn’t that sweet? Friedrick and Fluff were specially prepared with confetti to throw at Lola as she walked by.

So the graduates entered the hall, and the commencement began. A woman spoke. For a very long time. And then a rather lovely gentleman spoke, for another very long time. Lola became impatient. She wanted her diploma! Mal was leaning back in her seat with her eyes glazed over. Lovely Mom had almost slipped into a coma, and Lovely Dad had begun to drool from the corner of his mouth. Poor Parents! Karl was looking for something to… um… borrow (he was bored! And he’d give it back, of course!), and Chris was leaning on Claudette’s shoulder, snoring. Claudette would have woken him, except that she was also sleeping, and every few breaths, she would snort. But the speakers paid no heed to these blatant displays of boredom in the front row. Friedrick and Fluff were incensed. They were tired of silly speakers. This latest one was talking about the time when he had to go to college by walking uphill, both ways, in ten feet of snow, with large alligators at his heels, and enormous falcons trying to attack him from the sky. But yet, he managed to survive. And that means that all you young ’uns…. I mean, Um… So sorry. Didn’t mean to quote verbatim… Where was I? Ah, yes.

So, Friedrick and Fluff whispered for some minutes to one another, and Lola feared what their actions would be. Fluff wanted to sling pudding at the speaker, and Friedrick wanted to tap-dance upon his head. They argued rather intensely for some minutes, until they came to a compromise: they would tap-dance in the pudding. So, they began to dance in the pudding (which was rather messy, mind you), and Lola was quite mortified, though not as mortified that she would have been if the two tenacious teddy bears had tap-danced upon the forehead of the college president. The bears, once again after some minute’s discussion, decided that this was getting them nowhere. So they ceased tap-dancing, and began yodeling instead. Lola, humiliated, slouched in her seat. But the droning speaker didn’t even notice the bears. Eventually, the bears finished, as did the speaker, and finally, it was time for the names to be announced!

“Alexis Abernathy…” And Alexis Abernathy received her diploma. “Albert Abner…” And Albert received his. And so the list of names wore on until the name of George Lewis was read, and Lola was ready.

“Lovely Lola …” And Lola crossed the platform to receive her diploma. Lola received her diploma without incident, and she grinned broadly for her family and friends in the first row. Her Lovely Dad whistled—quite loudly. And Lola was proud. And many pictures were taken. And Lola was happy. Afterwards, Fluff approached Lola solemnly and said, “Yodeling with pudding on your feet does not make strange men stop talking.” Lola agreed and whispered, “Next time, tap dance upon his head, and perhaps he will dance in the pudding with you.” And all were happy, and that was that. (Except for the perilous drive home, where the family would have to brave the roving bands of Big Hair. Hey! It is Utah!)

An Alarming Proposal

2005-02-11T15:23:00.000-08:00

Well, Folks. It has come to my attention (thank you Friedrick and Fluff) that it has been far too long since the last Lovely Lola Adventure. Well, I checked, and they were right! So, Let’s go (Don’t forget to buckle your seatbelt)!

Masked Mal (short for Mallyre. Yes, it’s spelled funny; ask Mal why) was in love. She was perfectly smitten. In fact, it was rather sickening. So sickening, that even Lovely Lola could no longer stomach it. But the fact remained that the rest of the gang had not met her Masked Man! Mal had been suspiciously secretive. So when Mal finally planned a party to introduce him to the rest of her friends, everyone just knew it would be the event of the year!

So Lola went out to buy a new dress (she bought blue), Wodin the Wise musingly decided to wear her purple bathrobe (because it was fuzzy and she wanted everyone to compliment her on its fuzziness), Stan Q. Fitzhubert decided to wear jeans (she didn’t think Whattssis Name really cared if she dressed up), and Claudette the Crazy and Confused Chris decided to go as a matched pair of green sneakers (they didn’t realize that the event was NOT a Costume Party, like Mal’s usual events). Gordon the Goob spent three hours trying to decide what to wear, before eventually deciding that his pink and green striped pajamas would match his brown and red polka-dotted tie perfectly. All in all, it was going to be a simply smashing party!

Mal was so excited, she almost put her shoes on backwards. Her Beloved was going to meet all of her dearest friends! It was almost as exciting as the time she won the watermelon seed spitting contest! Mal knew she had to calm down, before she began to hyperventilate, but her method of alternately running in circles and jumping up and down upon her bed was NOT working! Finally, her Masked Man (whose identity will remain a Mystery until the unveiling moment) stopped Mal in Mid circle, and whispered in her ear, “Don’t forget the pudding!” Mal leapt up; she had forgotten the pudding! She was planning to have all of her guests finger paint with pudding; Mal thought it would be wonderfully tasteful (and tasty)! SO, she set to work making the ten gallons of pudding she anticipated her friends would require at the Finger Painting Station of her party!

At last, the time for the party arrived. Mal hid her Masked Man in a back room, with instructions to remain there until all the guests had arrived, and Mal had given the secret sign.

First to arrive was Wodin, in all of her purple fuzziness. She waltzed gracefully into Mal’s home, and gracefully alighted upon the sofa in a languorous reclining position, drawling, “How simply maahvelous it is to seeee you.” Next, Gordon arrived, and was somewhat unsure of himself and his attire, until he saw Wodin; then he felt all right, because at least HE hadn’t worn his bathrobe! Next, our Crazy and Confused couple arrived as the sneakers, and they felt rather silly at having dressed up as they did, but Mal, always the gracious host, smiled demurely and thanked them for their presence with no mention of their attire. At last, in style and five minutes late, Lola swept in, wearing her lovely blue gown, and slightly shocked that Wodin had beat her to the languorous position on the sofa. But Lola was composed and improvisational, so she struck up a pose at the fireplace, lazily leaning one elbow upon the mantle, while graciously greeting the other guests. There was only on person missing: Stan. Mal began to get nervous; she began to fidget. Finally, after five minutes of tense silence and waiting, Stan arrived nonchalantly, and sat at the table and propped her feet up and asked, “So, where is this guy?” Mal took her place at the head of the room, and whistled the tune of “Twinkle Little Star.” Then she announced, “I would like you all to meet my lovely um-friend….” Here she paused as he appeared dashingly into the room in a tuxedo rented especially for the occasion. “….Klepto Karl!” Mal exclaimed. Everyone clapped and then the real party commenced.

Wodin immediately moved to the pudding painting table and began a lovely reproduction of the Mona Lisa. Stan began to Eat. She was hungry. Lola didn’t move from he spot by the mantle; her elbow had smeared a bit of glue, and she was stuck to the fireplace. But, as improvisational as always, she pretended that it was because she had not interest in any of the activities (in reality, she was longing to go bobbing for apples like Claudette, but she felt too embarrassed to tell anyone she was stuck). Gordon started playing Twister—by himself. Confused Chris was indeed confused—he had no idea which of the entertaining games he should play! And the Klepto Karl began to work the room, meeting each of Mal’s best friends.

First, he walked up to Lola. After all, she was stuck to the mantle! Karl talked with Lola amiably about her study of the elusive Utahan wombats, on loan from Australia. She became rather excited by it. As she spoke rather excitedly about these elusive creatures of the outback, something …happened. But I shan’t tell you exactly what it is that happened. Let us just say that Klepto Karl was up to his tricks. Anyhow, Lola was too enraptured with the subject of her conversation to notice what was happening, indeed, too enraptured to realize that Karl had moved on to introduce himself to his next victim, er, Friend. He began talking to Stan who was nonchalantly shoving a burrito into her mouth. She was hungry. Anyway, while her mouth was too full to protest, Karl, well… You will see. Anyway, then he went to talk to Wodin, who was painting with pudding (and slurping up a good deal of the mixture as well. In fact, she had a lovely ring of pudding encircling her mouth). While she was busy extolling the wonders of Painting with Pudding, Karl did It again. Then, she was too busy licking her fingers to realize anything had happened, and Karl went to talk to Claudette who was dressed as a shoe, if you will remember. She was also bobbing for apples. She was very good at bobbing for apples. She thought it was the most enjoyable activity in the entire world. As she bobbed for apples, once again, Karl did something…. But we won’t go there right now.

Anyhow, the Party was going on simply wonderfully, until two mysterious figures swept into the room in dark cloaks and masks. It was Friedick and Fluff! And they were very bitter that they had not been invited. Mal felt rather embarrassed. But little did she know that the tiny bears had some unusual news for her! Karl was a Kleptomaniac! The guests gasped in shock. They had no idea! Fluff, in a flourish, checked his pockets and withdrew a lovely handkerchief belonging to Lola, Stan’s keys (“So THAT”S where the were!” exclaimed Stan), a pink pencil belonging to Wodin, and a shoelace belonging to Claudette. Everyone was in shock. But Karl just shrugged. Then he said he had an announcement to make. From his breast pocket, he took out a lovely diamond ring and placed it on Mal’s finger and asked her to marry him. “And I didn’t even steal it!” he said proudly, referring to the ring. Mal burst into tears and said yes, and everyone forgave Karl. And he promised never to take their things again. After all, it was only something he did when he first met people. And he always gave the stuff back, he insisted. Everyone laughed. Except Friedrick. He was still bitter that they hadn’t been invited. But Fluff just elbowed him and said, “Hush! At least there is still pudding to paint with!” Friedrick agreed, and grabbed a pawful of pudding. Then he sloshed it into Fluff’s face. “I DO feel better!” he said happily. And together they tickled Lola who was still stuck to the mantle. And that was that.

Friedrick, Fluff, and... Roderick?

2005-02-10T14:38:00.000-08:00

Once again, Lovely Lola is about to take another adventure, and aren’t we all just oh-so-excited? Lola was reading. Lola was writing. Lola had a lot of reading and writing to do. She was also daydreaming. She was having problems concentrating on all of the things she had to do. While she was staring out the window at the lovely Utah landscape (actually, IT WASN’T ALL THAT LOVELY. It was really quite boring, but Lola only had the one window in front of her), Lola saw something strange out the window. It was a small teddy bear, somewhat like Friedrick, yet… not somehow. It was all very strange, not to mention that the small look-alike bear was tiptoeing about rather surreptitiously, as if he had something to hide. Lola narrowed her eyes, and rolled up her sleeves. “This is a situation calling for SUPER LOLA!” she roared. She rushed towards the small bear, and…

...ran into the window. Lola fell to the floor, quite unconscious. And the little bear looked up and grinned slyly. He knew that Lola lay in her room, unconscious, and that he would be able to sneak into the room. Carefully, so as not to wake “the girl,” as he called her, the bear snuck into the room. He rubbed his paws craftily, and began to jump on Lola’s bed. “Hee hee!” Roderick giggled, for Roderick was his name. Not only did his face look like Friedrick’s, and his name sound like Friedrick’s, but he was also Friedrick’s evil döppelgänger! He began to run about, wreaking havoc upon every inch of Lola’s room. As Lola began to stir, Roderick quickly left a fake paw-print—one of Friedrick’s! With an evil döppelgänger laugh, Roderick jumped into a nearby toilet, and flushed himself away to make more mischief elsewhere. Lola sat up, and rubbed her forehead, where she had hit the window. She was forming a lump on the point of impact. She groaned, and opened her eyes fully. She gasped in shock. “Someone has trashed my room!” She stood up, and turned around several times. Suddenly, she stopped when her eyes rested upon a strangely familiar paw-print… “Friedrick!” she exclaimed as her eyes narrowed in a terrifying look of revenge. Lola knew that she would have to avenge this act of college terrorism in some manner. “And after I was his campaign manager…” Lola muttered angrily. She began to clean up, and plot revenge…

* * * * * * * * * *

Time had passed. Lola was now ready to perform her act of revenge upon the innocent and unsuspecting Friedrick. Carefully, carefully, she traveled to his home, and followed him for three hours before she had him exactly where she wanted him. “Join me! Come to the Dark Side!” Darth Vader whispered. “We shall rule the Galaxy as Father and Son!” And then Luke shouted… Whoa! Where did that come from! I must apologize. Where was I? That’s right… HERE! Lola snuck up on Friedrick and tackled him to the ground. Friedrick had a look of surprise as Lola did her dastardly deed, and ran away cackling, and muttering to herself about “The Dark Side.” Friedrick was completely astounded! He had no idea what had just happened to him. Then he looked down, and shrieked. He was wearing a miniature version of Merv the Fairy God-Cabbie’s tutu outfit, but the difference was that the tutu was a multicolored, hideous polka-dotted thing, and that Lola had put make-up on him as well. Friedrick fainted. As he did so, Roderick leaped out from behind a tree, and rubbed his evil little paws together. His plan had worked! He disappeared, and ran off to celebrate.

* * * * * * * * * *

Friedrick was sad. He thought Lola had been his loyal Campaign Manager. In confusion, he went to the only person he thought he could trust: Wodin, because she was oh-so Wise. Wodin sat Friedrick down, and listened to him explain the whole thing. Wodin sighed, grasped Friedrick by his two small shoulders, and looked deeply into his eyes. “Friedrick,” she said gravely, “you have an evil döppelgänger. You were separated by some events early in Life, and Roderick, (that’s his name!) feels he has been shorted in life, and that you have received all of the perks.” Friedrick looked shocked, and then vengeful, as he began to plot his own revenge…

* * * * * * * * * *

“Ri-i-i-ng!” Lola picked up the phone and, when she heard who it was, spat, “YOU! What do you think you are….” She was obviously interrupted and she sat down as her eyes widened. “You don’t say!” she whispered in an awed manner. Then, for the third time in this story, she narrowed her eyes. “Well, we’ll see about THAT.” She said, and hung up, and rubbed her hands together.

* * * * * * * * * *

Roderick was at home, at his desk, drafting plans for yet another reprehensible exploit. “No,” he mumbled to himself. “The water balloons should come from over there…” Roderick drew an arrow in his plans, depicting the trajectory of the balloons, and then added an ‘x’ where the target was. “Now… the tub of pudding should land somewhere over there…” and Roderick sketched in a large tub, directly over a picture in the likeness of Fluff! Roderick cackled and raised his paws over his head, and then brought them down and rubbed them together. “My plan to destroy the Two Tenacious Teddy Bears is almost complete!” Unbeknownst by Roderick, however, his every move was being watched…

* * * * * * * * * *

Back at the home base, Stan Q. Fitzhubert, Masked Mal, Claudette the Crazy, Merv, the fairy god Cabbie, Gordon the Goob, Confused Chris, Wodin the Wise, and Lovely Lola stood around a table, at the head of which sat Friedrick and a studious looking Fluff. Fluff pushed her chair away, and, repeatedly smacking a riding crop into her open palm, began to speak. “Now,” she said crisply, “we have all been informed of the situation. And we have devised a plan.” Fluff gesticulated with the riding crop towards a blueprint at the center of the table. She leaned forward, placing both paws and her riding crop on the table. “I need all of your help to make this plan work, to allow it to come to fruition. If there are any of you present not willing to participate in this mission, raise your hand, and we will have you… taken care of.” Fluff grinned, and Gordon gulped. He didn’t particularly want to help out, but he didn’t want to be “dealt with” in the way that Fluff meant. So his hand remained at his side, as everyone else’s did also. Fluff stood up. “Good. We shall now go about the task of assigning everyone a position…”

* * * * * * * * * *

It was The Day. The Plan was about to be enacted. They were ready. Well, mostly. They had asked Merv to produce some smoke effects, and as yet, this had not occurred. But that was the least of their worries. Outside of Roderick’s house, there were four posts: Confused Chris and Gordon the Goob (reluctantly) stood outside the front door in case of Roderick’s escape. Stan and Wodin guarded the rear entrance, and Lola stood on the corner, nonchalantly whistling and playing with a Yo-yo. She was to signal to Merv, down the street, when the plan had been put into force. Masked Mal waited in the top of a nearby tree, dressed in black (and wearing a bandit’s mask, of course) with a pair of binoculars. From her vantage point she could see directly into Roderick’s planning room. Claudette the Crazy, whom Roderick had never met, was going to arrive in five minutes posed as a door-to-door Friedrick and Fluff Action Set saleswoman. Chris and Gordon were concealed in bushes just beyond the door, and were carefully staying still. Stan and Wodin stood back-to-back, hands clasped in the shape of pistols, like Charlie’s Angels. Stan looked very mercenary, and Wodin just looked excited. Nothing like this ever happened to her. Claudette was dressed very professionally. She smoothed her skirt, and got into her car, about to drive to the Point of Rendezvous, or the corner where Lola was standing. She drove, and as she did, Lola saw her approaching and began to whistle the Secret Code Tune: “Dixie.” At the sound, Merv conjured the smoke so it rolled like fog. The house was soon enveloped with Fog, and Roderick could not see the actions of those outside of his house. Meanwhile, Claudette walked up to the door and, with a wink to her beloved Chris in the bush, rang the doorbell. Roderick came down and answered the door. He looked annoyed. Claudette flashed a winning smile, and opened her briefcase and began to expound upon the wonders of the Friedrick and Fluff Action Toy Set. Just as Roderick was about to slam the door in Claudette’s face, Gordon and Chris leapt from the bushes and tackled Roderick. At this point, Claudette and Lola marched into the house and shut and locked the door behind them. Lola went and let Wodin and Stan in the back door; they were still posed like Charlie’s Angels. They strode in confidently, and Stan deftly whipped out a pair of scissors and began to “trim” Roderick’s fur. Lola searched the house for some bed sheets, which she found, strangely enough, on a bed. She removed them and took them downstairs. Friedrick and Fluff arrived at this point, ready to help. Mal, at her vantage point in the tree, alerted the group to the arrival of an ice cream truck, so they all ran out to get some ice cream while Gordon guarded the mussed Roderick. They brought him back a fudgescicle. At that juncture, they wrapped it all up. Roderick, I mean. In the sheet. And then they left.

* * * * * * * * * *

Wayne Newton was recently returned to the Las Vegas Circuit. He was enjoying the crowds again, and he rarely ever had nightmares about tiny bears anymore. He rested in bed on a weekend, feeling quite lovely. He decided to get out of bed and go check to see if the newspaper had arrived. On the doorstep was a baby bassinet. He was slightly confused, but he bent down, and lifted the blanket from the face of the Baby… Wayne screamed, first with fear, then with triumph. He finally had the little bear! He would show them!

* * * * * * * * * *

About a week later, as Fluff was relaxing in the sun on her back porch, sipping lemonade and reading the paper, she came across a small article about Wayne Newton in the Gossip Columns. “Friedrick!” she cried. “Listen to this: ‘Last week, Wayne Newton, known for his rendition of “Danke Shön,” was arrested for Improper Conduct with a Teddy Bear. Recently released from a mental institution, Newton has pleaded not guilty to the charges of First-Degree Unstuffing. The unnamed Teddy Bear is being treated in the Intensive Care Unit of Roosevelt’s Hospital.’” Friedrick looked at Fluff and smiled. Then he said, “That is what you get when you try to take someone’s pickles from them.” Fluff nodded, and added, “Yes, and especially if you try to smear them with peanut butter.”

And that was that.

An Inauguration of Epic Proportions

2005-02-09T09:36:00.000-08:00

Wodin the wise was a very wise girl. She greatly enjoyed many things, such as underwater basket weaving, and playing games with her many friends. But as much as Wodin enjoyed playing with her friends, she was going to be leaving them. Why? you may ask. The answer is, because she is going away to go to college. Wodin was sad, but oh-so excited to be making this big move. She really enjoyed being a fun gal with her friends, but she was going away to a far away place where she knew nobody.

“How silly this story is,” said Wodin.

What? said the Author.

“You are making me out to be some kind of pathetic freak, and I don’t appreciate it,” Wodin stomped.

Well, said the Author, if you are going to be that way, I will just write you out of the story.

Wodin crossed her arms and tossed her head. “I don’t care,” she pouted stubbornly.

At this point, the Author must interject that Wodin has always been a prima donna, and has, from the very first, been demanding her own series. The Author, however, refuses to concede, seeing as first The Chronicles of Friedrick and Fluff were such a big hit, and now the series “Lola the Yutz” is so huge, the Author just does not have the time to spend on developing a series for such a bratty character.

“I am not bratty!” Wodin retaliated.

Oh yeah? Prove it, challenged the Author.

“Fine. I can prove it by being really nice to all of those other characters who have more audience time than myself. I even promise not to dump that big tub of pudding on Lola’s head. I will just eat it instead.”

The Author looked skeptical. The whole tub? She asked.

“Yes! The Whole tub!”

If you say so…

And so Wodin proceeded to sit down to a very large tub of gelatinous pudding goo and began to shovel pudding down her throat. The Author sighed and shook her head and continued writing. Shortly, Masked Mal arrived on the scene.

“Someone said you might need some help,” she addressed the author.

Yes, I am in desperate need of help. Wodin has insisted that this story is just too silly, and that she wants her own series. She has decided NOT to throw the tub of pudding on Lola as was originally in the script, and is instead eating it! For this story to turn out correctly, I need your help! Some on has to get drenched with pudding!

Mal mused for a moment, rubbed her chin and whispered something about this being the perfect time to have a beard. Suddenly, she shook herself from her reverie and said, “ I have an idea. I will be right back.” And off she dashed.

The Author flung her hands over her head. Nothing ever goes how I write it!

Wodin was still eating pudding, and she began to look slightly green (it was a very large tub of pudding). But, in her refusal to admit that she is wrong, she continued to put back the pudding. Masked Mal returned breathlessly with Fairy God-Cabby Merv. He shook the ashes from the end of his foul cigar and asked, “Whaddaya want?”

The Author pinched her nose and said, For you to put out that thing! And for you to help me get Wodin the Wise to stop eating that pudding! It was meant for Lovely Lola’s head!

Merv suddenly began to look very red. “Yeh see, getting’ Lola to show up here is gonna be difficult.”

What do you mean, ‘difficult,’ asked the Author warningly.

Merv shifted his feet, which was actually rather silly looking considering he was about 2 feet off the ground. “Yeh see, she’s in D.C. for the inauguration of Jorge Q. Shrub. I poofed her there myself.”

The Author smacked her hand on her forehead. I forgot! Today is the inauguration! I must cover that story right away!

“Hey!” Wodin put down her pudding spoon and looked insulted. “This story is supposed to be about me going away to school!”

You said it was stupid, said the Author. You lost your chance. Merv, poof me to the inauguration.

“Bippity, Boppity, BLEEP!” shouted Merv, and away they went.

In D.C (Dumb City), Lola and Friedrick and Fluff were invited to the inaugural ball, after all they had been working on the campaign too, even if it wasn’t Jorge’s (he isn’t too bright). The party was just getting underway. Everything looked fabulous. Jorge was wearing a lovely tux, and Cal Bore was there too, just show that he was a good sport. Jorge was about to give a speech: “Fella Americans, I stand before y’all today as your new president. Ah may not be the smartest guy, or even the most honest guy. Heck, I’m not even a good leader. But I stand before y’all as your new president. Thank you very much.” Jorge grinned and stepped down.

Lola whispered to herself, “What kind of speech was THAT?”

Friedrick and Fluff looked at one another perplexedly. “We lost to HIM?” Fluff wailed. She felt like an utter failure. Friedrick was determined to make Fluff feel better. So he grabbed her by the paw and began to drag Fluff towards Jorge Q. Shrub.

“Nooo!” Cried Lola. She knew from previous experience that this could only mean one thing: tap dancing on the candidate’s forehead. She began to run after them towards the stage. She arrived there just as Friedrick and Fluff were creeping up behind Jorge and Cal, who were still arguing about budget surpluses.

Just then Wodin cackled evilly. “You took my story from me! Now you are going to get it!”

Lola whirled around and saw Wodin. Just in time, she grabbed the bears and ducked. Wodin hurled the tub of pudding, and it hit Jorge and Cal square in the face.
The Author giggled. Wodin turned on her. “You! You… tricked me! You got me to throw that pudding anyway!”

Yup! Doesn’t the pudding look better there anyway?

Wodin turned back to the messy ex-candidates. She snickered. “Yeah, but it would have looked better on Lola!” Lola was about to scoop some pudding up and throw it at Wodin when the bears stopped her.

“Remember that gumdrops are best left untouched,” said Fluff wisely.

“Indeed,” agreed Friedrick. “And remember to always jump rope in the swimming pool.”

And That Was That.

A Christmas Story

2005-02-08T07:04:00.000-08:00

The cast of our favorite series is about to expand! Yes, folks, it's true! Lovely Lola has been lonely long enough. Ever since Doofy Dave left, Lola has had to make do with the supporting antics of only Wodin the Wise, Stan Q. Fitzhubert, and her Fairy God-Cabby, Merv. Now, to unveil our new characters: Masked Mal-Lola's mysterious yet exuberant - and slightly confused - friend. Claudette the Crazy is Lola's frantic sister who has her own sense of drama. And finally-The moment you all have been waiting for: Gordon the Goob-Lola's fascinatingly bizarre "Um" friend. Now, to commence the Christmas Episode of "The Adventures of Lovely Lola!"

Lola was home from Big Yutz University for Christmas Break. Her home was a mass of chaos. While she normally enjoyed her confusing family, after the chaotic term at BYU, the last thing she needed was more chaos! Lola was planning a big surprise for her significant other-Gordon the Goob. He was a nice young man, just somewhat "goobery" at times. She was going to plant golfballs strategically in his front lawn in the shape of a heart-she had already spray painted them red. She giggled at the thought of his face when he saw the beautiful creation.

Unfortunately, all of the golfballs were in the trunk of her friend Masked Mal's car. Mal (short for Mallyre. Yes, it's spelled funny, ask Mal why) had just driven off with Lola's sister, Claudette the Crazy on a quest for the perfect present for Claudette's fiancée.

While Lola was distressing over the missing golfballs (she did not remember where she had put them), Claudette was also at her wit's end. She could not find her fiancée's favorite orange flavored mustard that he had been asking for for six months. In despair, Claudette pounded her head on the trunk of Mal's car. The trunk popped open, and Mal began to console Claudette and appraise the damage to her car. Meanwhile, Claudette noticed the golfballs. She did not know what they were for and neither did Mal. (Lola had kept the golfballs a secret VERY well.) Claudette thought they were perfect to spell out the name of her significant other on his front step. She, like Lola had, giggled at the thought of his face on Christmas morning.

It is not surprising that two sisters thought of two very similar ideas. When Mal and Claudette returned home, Claudette confided to Lola of her wonderful idea. Lola nearly burst into tears. She loved her sister and didn't want to steal her golfballs back. She called Stan to get some input. In a bitter Holiday Funk, Stan snapped, "Can't you think of something less sappy? Geez!" Lola was beside herself. She then called Wodin, who was having her own problems with Present ideas and could only mutter, "Silver giftwrap, or the gift bag?" Lola, utterly disgusted, turned to Mal as a mediator.

Mal, looking at her two friends, made a melodramatic gesture and stood upon a stool in the kitchen. "This is the Christmas season, and you are sisters. Lola, surely you can spare a few golfballs for Claudette? And Claudette: you must realize that it was Lola's idea first. But Christmas is not about golfballs, or "Um" Friends, or pudding, or Cheez Whiz. It is about Love, Sharing, and a competition to see whose stocking gets the most candy. So please, remember the Love, and that I would like a pair of lime green socks for Christmas. Thank you." Mal bowed.

Having spoken her mind, Mal stepped down and let the sisters resolve the problem. Claudette and Lola looked at each other and realized their foolishness. They agreed to help each other with their respective golfball creations. They also agreed to buy Mal blue socks instead, just to make her mad.

Lola whispered to her sister, "Santa's elves like to eat Cheez Whiz pudding when there is a full moon."

Claudette smiled and said, "Remember about the reindeer that liked to wear women's clothing."

And Christmas was saved. And that was that.

The End

The 2000 Election: Undone

2005-02-07T09:42:00.000-08:00

Flashback:
It was November 7, 2000, the night of the Presidential Election. Friedrick, Fluff, Lola and the rest of their counterparts awaited the results from the polls. Fluff began to bite her nails and daydream about Chewbacca, her dream Wookie. Friedrick paced. Lola mumbled to herself while trying to tabulate the votes accrued by the tenacious teddy bears. She licked the point of her pencil and scribbled down numbers, muttering, "Yes… that's three thousand… Of course… carry the one Yes! Yes! I believe we have won!"

Friedrick's head jerked up and a light gleamed in his eyes. He rubbed his paws together and elbowed Fluff (she was still caught in her daydream where Chewy, as she affectionately calls him, carries her away for a romantic space war where the Death Star is glowering with impending doom upon the universe). Friedrick quickly went to Lola's side. "What have we won? Have we won the Buttercream Icing Eating Contest?"
Lola gave him a withering stare and replied, "No. Not some stupid contest, but the state of Alaska! That's an entire three electoral votes!"

The entire campaign group cheered. However, Wodin the Wise had to ruin for everyone. "Excuse me," she tried to interject above all of the commotion. "Excuse me…" Wodin held one finger in the air. "I have a point to make!" No one was listening to poor Wodin. "EXCUSE ME!" she shouted. Haven't you forgotten that you have to win the majority of Electoral votes? Three is hardly a majority."

The party stopped. And then they began to boogie again, completely ignoring the poor Wodin. Then Friedrick stopped. Wodin was right. He whispered to Fluff who whispered the disappointing news to Lola, who passed it on to the other campaigning friends. Soon, a silence fell over the group as they realized that, vote by vote, this was an election between Jorge Q. Shrub and Cal Bore. But as the group followed the brewing election, they realized that there was very little difference between the candidates. Uh…the number of their number of electoral votes, that is. And soon the candidates began to call the bewildered Friedrick and Fluff asking for those bears' votes. If the bears gave their votes to one of the candidates, that candidate would win. Friedrick and Fluff, however, didn't like either candidate. So they refused to relinquish any of their accumulated votes, in Alaska or any other state.

Election Night became Election Week. Cal and Jorge pressured the bears further, and still they would not yield to the powerful politicians. As much as Shrub and Bore disliked one another, they knew what had to be done. In a joint effort, they flushed themselves to the F & F in '00 campaign headquarters to increase pressure on the Bullwinkle Moose Party Candidates. When they arrived, Friedrick and Fluff did not take their arrival very well. Indeed, the bears ignored them. The candidates wanted to begin their smooth-talking, so they flipped a coin and Shrub won. He began to speak:

"My dear Bears. We must remember the integrity of the election that we are involved in. If you will give your votes to I or my Candidate, that would definitely solve some many problems."

Cal looked at Shrub disgustedly, and started in on his own persuasive measures. "Fluff, "he said appealingly. "Friedrick. My friends. I am the candidate most deserving of your votes. Because, as you know, this nation would not be what it is today without my great influence upon the current presidency…"

Both candidates began talking at once, and Fluff stuck her fingers in her ears. She looked at Friedrick, and they knew what they had to do. Lola, Wodin, and Stan could only look on in horror as Fluff pushed down Cal Bore and Friedrick tackled Jorge Q. Shrub. Both bears began to tap dance upon the candidates' foreheads, leaving numerous little footprints upon them. The men were knocked unconscious, probably thankfully for them. Lola, Wodin and Stan grabbed a hold of the candidates to flush them back to their respective headquarters. After that lengthy process was completed, the group flopped into their chairs, vowing to refrain from all politics… At least for four years.

Epilogue:
Dan Rather broke through the Bears' favorite episode of "Seinfeld,” (you know, the “Kenny Rogers Roasters” episode) causing the bears to become mightily enraged. "We interrupt your programming to bring you important news that both Cal Bore and Jorge Q. Shrub appear to have been attacked. Investigators are at the scene now, trying to discern, from what little evidence there is, exactly what occurred. It seems as though both candidates have been babbling incoherently, and are now in the care of physicians. More information will be relayed as soon as we know it." “Seinfeld” flashed back on the screen, and Friedrick and Fluff looked at one another with little smiles on their faces. Lola leaned over to Stan and whispered, "At least there were no Wookies." Stan nodded and said, "Yes, instead there was much bickering about birthday cakes and ice-cream."
And that was that.

Friedrick and Fluff, 2000 Sydney Olympics Style!

2005-02-06T06:43:00.000-08:00

The Olympics were underway in Sydney, Australia. Friedrick and Fluff were taking time off from the campaign trail to—what else?—Compete! Fluff was involved in several sports. She was going to compete in the gymnastics competition, and in the 100 Meter backstroke. Friedrick was competing in the newly included Toilet Travel and Flushing competition as well as diving. Together, those two tenacious teddy bears were entered in the synchronized diving competition (a real event). In all, there were 5 events between them. Lola, being their campaign Manager/Speech Writer went along with them to the games to cover their involvement, and hopefully garner some support from the Aussies for Friedrick's Vegemite/peanut butter trade idea. The bears skipped the opening Ceremonies in order to rest up for their events. Fluff was going to compete first in the pool against some of the world's fastest swimmers.

When she got to the pool, she began to prepare herself. First she put goggles on. Then, she put on her swimsuit. Then, out of her sports bag came her picture of Chewbacca, the Wookie. Fluff smiled and sighed as she gazed at the picture. If only he felt the same way. Fluff returned the picture to her bag and looked around several times to see if anyone was looking. Then she brought out her secret weapon: Cheez Whiz! Carefully, she began to rub Cheez Whiz all over herself. The other competitors, who had previously been engrossed in their own pre-swim rituals, began to stare at Fluff and edge away from her slowly.

One of the Swimmers (no names to be given. All Olympic athletes in this story asked that their names not be used, except for Romanovich) said, "What are you doing?" Then she called for the judges. "I am NOT going to swim in a pool contaminated with Cheez Whiz."

Who could blame her? But, Fluff explained, The Cheez Whiz was to cut down on drag and help her to go faster in the water. The three judges looked at one another and gave Fluff the thumbs down. No Cheez Whiz on the contestants or in the pool. Fluff hung her head sadly. That had been her one chance for Olympic Gold in the 100 meter backstroke.

When the race started she leapt from the blocks as quickly as she could, but it was no use. Her fur just held her back too much, and she finished dead last. Dejected and rejected, Fluff dangled her short legs over the edge of the pool. Then she thought, "Well, at least I am not a slow porpoise." And jumped to her feet to see how Friedrick was faring in the Toilet Travel and Flushing Competition.

The Toilet Travel and Flushing Competition was very fierce, so Lola had accompanied Friedrick to the platform so she could mop the sweat from his brow. These were the finals. Friedrick was fighting it out with Russia's Rodion Romanovich for the Gold Medal.

There were three parts to the competition. The first part was the competition to see how many flushes the athlete could do in one minute. The outcome of that first part had ended in a bitter draw, with both competitors logging 64 flushes each. It was then that Romanovich had turned to Friedrick with steely eyes and a sinister smirk and said, "It is the end for you, bear!" Friedrick had shivered, but persevered. The second bout would include an obstacle course. Each contestant would have to flush himself by the Toilet Travel Method through 12 different toilets on the course. In addition to being timed, they had to grab a flag from the toilet handle as they flushed. To miss a flag would be three points deduction. To miss a toilet all together would result in disqualification. To come up in your rival's toilet would also disqualify the contestant. It could be said that this was the most difficult event in the tournament.

Romanovich and Friedrick stood ready to leap at the first toilet. Romanovich looked at Friedrick and smirked. His smile glinted evilly. "On your mark…Get set…" BANG! went the starters pistol. They both jumped into their respective toilets and grabbed the first flag. The race was intense. Both Fluff and Lola were nervous wrecks. First Friedrick was ahead, then Romanovich. Then, things were too close to tell, and Fluff covered her eyes with her paws. And then, in the blink of an eye, it was over. Romanovich had finished first, but he had missed two flags! Friedrick popped up barely after Romanovich, but he had indeed gathered all of his flags! Lola and Fluff jumped to their feet and cheered!

But the Olympic competition had not finished. There was still the final event, which was by far the hardest mentally. The two competitors were to draw a destination from a hat. All of the destinations were located around Sydney, but were unknown to Romanovich and Friedrick. They would then have to navigate themselves as quickly as possible to their respective locations where they would be met by a judge. The judge would then hand them a flag to prove that the athlete had arrived and the athlete would return by the same route as quickly as possible. The first one back would win the event, and possibly the Gold!

Romanovich was the first to choose. He fished around in the hat, and brought up his destination: Henry's Chicken Barn in Downtown Sydney. Friedrick knew that Romanovich would be able to find such a place easily, and hoped for as much good luck. Friedrick's destination was The Sydney Public restroom on the beach front! Friedrick had never been there before, but he was sure he could manage it. Lola gave out a yell of encouragement, and Romanovich and Friedrick were off! Fluff and Lola waited for five tense minutes. Not only would the timing be important in Friedrick's race for gold, but style also played a factor. His dismount had to be just right. He was planning a double twisting back flipping Stravinsky as his dismount, which was the most difficult dismount Friedrick had mastered. Finally, just before the six minute mark, Friedrick's toilet bubbled, gurgled, and Fluff and Lola held their breath… Friedrick popped out of the toilet with the flag and immediately jumped in to position and did his double twisting back flipping Stravinsky and he landed perfectly! Friedrick had won the Gold medal in Toilet Travel and Flushing! Romanovich popped up shortly after Friedrick, and knew he had been beaten. He was rather bitter.

The next time that Fluff and Friedrick were able to meet up was at their Synchronized Diving Competition. Before the commencement of the competition, Fluff had done her gymnastics, only to fall off the balance beam because she still had some Cheez Whiz on her hands, and she slipped off. The tall Russian girl laughed at her and stepped on Fluff's toes. Fluff was sad.

In the meantime, Friedrick had bungled his individual diving and on one dive (the cannonball) he had been given straight 3.0's. He was disappointed, because he thought it was his best dive, but he knew he had to concentrate on his upcoming performance with Fluff. Finally, the bears were ready. They both stood on the platform, poised for action. In unison, the bears began their decent by doing twisting, half-turning, double-splits before they assumed the typical diving position and entering the water. The crowd went wild! The judges however, feeling bitter that they were bears, scored them just low enough to get fourth place, and no medals. The bears were disappointed, but they had fun.

"Besides," said Lola, "there are but two months before the election, and you must get ready for the upcoming debates that Jorge Q. Shrub FINALLY agreed to!"

Friedrick and Fluff looked at one another and agreed that it was time to leave the Land Down Under, but before they did, they decided to set up a trade-in stand, where Australians could trade one jar of vegemite for one jar of peanut butter. And they were successful. They traded 253 jars of peanut butter for Vegemite, and the support they felt from the Australian public was immense. Too bad they aren't running for President in Australia. Fluff shrugged her shoulders and said, "We had better remember that pudding is best stirred clockwise." Friedrick nodded and added, "Yes, but that spaghetti is better when topped with asparagus." And they flushed themselves home.

Brought to you by the International Olympic Committee on Drug Testing.

And remember, F&F in '00!

Party Time

2005-02-05T08:46:00.000-08:00

It was the year 2000. The year of The Election. Campaigning in all parties was increasing in all ways. The major candidates Jorge Q. Shrub and Cal Bore were fighting furiously about all of the major issues. On both sides there were terrific uproars about the heinous beliefs of both parties, and how one picked his nose in grade school, and then the other one retorted that the accuser was "knobby headed buffalo," and of course that made emotions even more intense.

However, the Presidential and Vice Presidential candidates we all know and love did not belong to a party. Their supporters were becoming confused. How would they be able to vote for someone without a party? They would just have to vote for someone they liked less, but at least they had a party! As support for their cause was waning, Friedrick and Fluff accompanied their speech writer/publicity manager Lovely Lola to her home state of Oregon. They needed a break. Lola was overjoyed to be home. Nothing at the Big Yutz University could ever substitute for her wonderful friends and family in Oregon. Wodin the Wise met her and squealed with delight. Stan, Masked Mal, and Lola’s sister Claudette the Crazy were all there, too. Everyone was ever so excited to see one another again and have fun.

Friedrick and Fluff, however, were all business. They immediately sat the group down around a table, and the discussions began. At the head of the table, Friedrick and Fluff sat, with all of the others sitting at the table around them. Fluff, with all of the Future-Vice-Presidential capabilities she could muster, brought a gavel down on the table (much to Lola’s mother’s chagrin) and said loudly, "This hearing of the People’s Court is now in session. Presiding is Judge Wapner." As the group stared at her, Fluff shrugged. It was the only speech she had memorized for official occasions such as this. The group continued to stare, so Fluff said, "Look, people. I am not eloquent, but let’s get down to business. Every other candidate has a party to call their own. Even the rich guy with the big ears has a party. We want one too."

The group began to brainstorm. However, none of them were very good at brainstorming.

"Ooooh! Ooooh! I’ve got one!" shouted Stan impatiently. "You could call your party the Vidal Sassoon party, and become advocates for the fashion impaired!"
Fluff stared Stan down, and said, rather icily, "I think not." And that was that. Stan, feeling rather cross at being shot down like that, went off to sulk.
Lola began to beam, and said, "How about the Party for the Advocation of Really Tiny Yutzes, and you could call it P.A.R.T.Y. for short!" (Lola being personally a really tiny, or short if you will, Yutz from BYU felt rather strongly on this issue.) Friedrick did not like that idea because he didn¹t want people to think that his part was the Party Party, although he kind of liked the ring of it. Truthfully, he hadn’t come up with it himself so he didn’t like it. Lola was slightly perturbed, but thought nothing more of it.

Wodin began to wiggle in her seat, and Fluff stared at her, wondering if she had an idea, or if she just needed to go to the bathroom. Wodin dispelled the notion that she had to "go" by announcing her idea: "I think you should call yourself the Purpur Schildkrote party, known in English as the Purple Turtle party! People could say that you are slow, but at least you are a snazzy color!" Poor Wodin! She was really quite excited by her idea, but everyone thought it was rather terrible and began to throw potato chips at her. Stan even returned from sulking long enough to hurl a rather large couch cushion at Wodin. She was stunned for a moment, but was not hurt by the pillow throwing, or the loud guffaws of laughter.

Masked Mal was the next to offer a suggestion. "I think we should name the party The Bear party, because you guys are bears." Her suggestion was by far the best. However, it somehow lacked something.

Fluff grinned widely, and then dreamily said, "Perhaps the name of our party should be Chewbacca the Wookie Party." Friedrick smacked Fluff on the back of your head and growled in his best Scottish accent, "Get a hold of yerself! We canna be daydreamin’ ‘bout such serious matters!" Fluff bushed deeply and said, "Oh my. You are right." And she went back to thinking of ideas, however, most of them still centered around Chewbacca, the mighty Wookie. The only difference was that she did not voice them.

Just as the group was about to plunge into the depths of despair, Lola's older brother walked by and mumbled, "Wednchyukilitthubilwunkmuseprt." The whole group looked at him. His mouth was full because he was eating a creamsicle, and after he swallowed he repeated, "Why don’t you call it the Bullwinkle Moose Party?" Friedrick’s eyes shone. Fluff salivated (she wanted a creamsicle). Lola and the rest of her friends cheered. The name was perfect. After all, Friedrick and Fluff were not only big fans of Bullwinkle, but of Teddy Roosevelt as well (the teddy bear was named for him, remember?). With a grunt, the brother retreated into the living room while the newly formed Bullwinkle Moose Party began to work on the press conference that would announce the newest party to be added to the ballot of the United States of America.

The very next day, hundreds of reporters were gathered on Lola’s front lawn to hear the announcement that these two tenacious teddy bears were about to reveal. Friedrick started out the speech Lola had written for him with a wave for silence from the reporters. There was a hush over the crowd, and then a whir as all of the hand-held tape recorders were started. "Friends, Americans, Countrymen, lend me your ears. Four-score and Seven years ago, we the people began to wish for a new party. Okay, so it was only four months and seven days, but who’s counting? The quest for Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness can be enhanced with the introduction of this new party, and the nomination of Fluff and myself as the candidates to represent it in the bid for presidency. To announce the party, is my Sister and running-mate, Fluff."

At this cue, Fluff stepped up to the microphone and cleared her throat. "Ahem. Help me Obi Wan Kenobi; You’re my only hope." And then she stopped recording on the droid and tried to run from the blasting rays of the Storm Troopers, but… Oops. Sorry about that. Here’s what she really said:

"Ahem. In the tradition of the Rocky and Bullwinkle show, and of course in remembrance of Teddy Roosevelt, our hero, We have decided to call our party the Bullwinkle Moose Party!" At this announcement, the crowd was at first hushed, but then they cheered before erupting into a series of questions.
"Friedrick, you mentioned that the public clamored for a new party "four months and seven days" ago. How can you be so precise?"

Friedrick merely smiled enigmatically.

"Ms. Fluff! Ms. Fluff! How much of an influence is Bullwinkle J. Moose to your Campaign? Was he your inspiration, or are you just trying to use his fame to further your career?" Fluff bared her teeth sweetly at the question and curtsied, but nothing more. Just as more questions were about to be asked, Lola pushed the bears aside and said, "I think that is all for now. Please vacate the premises immediately." Once all of the campaign committee was inside, the group cheered. The announcement had been a success! So Lola ordered Pizza, and the bears made one more announcement for the group: "Remember, We wish that the White House were really bright green, and that will be our first change to implement once elected! (That, and Fluff will hang a poster of Chewbacca on the front door to make all Wookies feel more welcome)."

And that was that.

Thank you , one and all, and remember, F&F in ‘00!

The Campaign Continues in a Hairy Direction

2005-02-04T08:40:00.000-08:00

Sit down, buckle up, and hold on to your shears, because here we go!

Stan Q. Fitzhubert was a master hairdresser. She had been going to Beauty School for several months now, and she felt that she was ready for the "Big Time" as far as hair cutting was concerned. For a day or so she considered trying to find a job in the great state of Utah, where the Big Hair roams, but she quickly dismissed that idea because she was afraid of people with very large hair. It reminded her of a very large animal that had tried to attack her once and... Well, I am sure that Stan does not want us to go into the ugly details of her run in with Chewbacca the Wookie (although Fluff was mightily jealous). Where was I? Oh Yes. Right here:

Stan had graduated from Tammy Faye's House-O-Beauty D-Lux School for the Cosmetically Inclined. Stan's illustrious tenure at the T.F.H.O.B.D.L.S.C.I. had been most wonderful, seeing as she had the opportunity to study under the tutelage of Tammy Faye herself! However, Stan moderated many of Tammy's outrageous styles to make them more… uh… no… less tacky. However, Tammy was furious at Stan for trying to "decrease the dramatic effect I have on people" (so said Tammy) by applying make-up with only a small trowel, instead of the snow shovel that was standard issue with enrollment at T.F.H.O.B.D.L.S.C.I. Seeing as that impinged upon the Stan-Tammy relationship, Stan was lucky to graduate at all, but graduate she did! And now she was ever so excited to put her newly learned skills to use.

She pondered and pondered what path she should take next. She read somewhere about a Mongolian princess needing a hairdresser. Unfortunately, when she called to apply, the job had already been taken by her top rival at T.F.H.O.B.D.L.S.C.I. Dejected and forlorn, Stan sat down on the curb outside her home and began to twirl her hair in her fingers. A large tear splattered on the ground. Suddenly, over her head, appeared Merv, the Fairy God-Cabby in a cloud of perm solution fumes! Stan was slightly confused. She had never believed her friend Lola when she had talked about a Fairy God cabby, so she was shocked to see this strange, overweight, stubble-faced, cigar smoking cabby floating oddly over her head.

"Whaddaya want?" he growled in a nasal New York accent.

Stan was at first too stunned to say anything, until she stammered, "Um. you shouldn't be smoking around chemicals, like perm solution."

The cabby waved away the smoke coming from his mouth and sneered, "Says WHO?"

Stan felt the anger rising in her. "I DO!" yelled Stan, as she yanked the foul cigar from Merv's mouth and ground it out on the sidewalk.

Merv, for the first time, was taken aback. He was astounded. "Hey! That was my Cigar! From Cuba!"

"So?" shrugged Stan. "They're illegal anyhow. So are you going to give me a wish or what?"

Merv was fairly intimidated by Stan at this point, so he said, "Yeah, sure, whatevvah yeh want. Tell me quick. This suburban neighborhood is givin' me the creeps," Merv shivered.

Stan thought for a moment: She could wish for a job, but most likely Merv would set her up with something crappy. Since she didn't want to risk that, she blurted out the next idea that came into her mind: "I want to visit Lola!"

Merv winced, and then rolled his eyes. "I shouldda known it. Everything comes back to Lola if yeh let it. Hold on tight, kid."

And with a giant POOF, Stan found herself in Lola's apartment! And Lo and Behold, whom should she see there but Friedrick and Fluff! Lola was excited to see Stan, and ran over to give her a hug. Stan told Lola (who is very sympathetic) the whole story.

Just as she was finishing, Stan noticed Fluff giving her a scrutinizing look. "You'll do,” stated Fluff.

"Do for what?" asked the bewildered Stan.

"I need a hairdresser for the campaign. You're hired. I looked up your credentials on the internet while you were talking."

Stan could hardly believe her good fortune! Her eyes were shining as she uttered, "Yes! Oh yes!"

Friedrick piped up with "And don't forget that I like the Little Mermaid when I drink Soda Pop!" Fluff nodded and added, "Yes, and I just love pink grasshoppers!"

And that was that.

The 2000 Election... and Holland

2005-02-03T07:05:00.000-08:00

Wodin was hot. Hot and tired. She was advanced into the second week of her school term, and her studying was hindered by the heat. It was 100 degrees outside (most heavily based upon a true incident) and Wodin was roasting. What was a Wise One to do? Wodin sighed. Wodin moaned. Wodin protested loudly. She even stamped her feet and huffed a GREAT deal. But all to no avail. The heat was there to stay.

Just as Wodin was about to spontaneously combust, she thought of a great idea: she could flush herself to Big Yutz University and visit Lola! She was sure to have cooler weather there! Wodin extracted her "Friedrick’s Guide to Flushing" (Edited by Fluff, of course) from her book shelf and flipped to chapter three. There, Wodin had highlighted the paragraph on "How to Aim your Flush to Specific Residences." (The previous paragraph was all about how to narrow your trip to certain cities, and the one before that was how to travel to Czechoslovakia, which though it doesn’t exist, helps get the general point across. Who ever said Fluff was a good editor?) Wodin carefully re-read the instructions, and then realized she had been holding the book upside down, so she had to re-read them all over again. What a Noodle head! By the time she was all straightened out, Wodin was so hot she pondered frying sausage upon her burning forehead, but decided she didn't want the grease to drip in her eyes.

"Well," shrugged Wodin, "Geronimo-o-o-o-o-o-!" Wodin jumped in and flushed. What Wodin next saw was quite a shock: Lola’s apartment, as well as Lola and Friedrick and Fluff! Wodin was flabbergasted! Fluff was her hero! Wodin dropped to her knees and began to bow down to Fluff and say, "O Master, how may I be of service?"

Fluff might have enjoyed and taken advantage of the situation had she not been so busy. So she looked at Wodin and rolled her eyes, saying, "You are not the pudding slave. Get up." Wodin immediately obeyed, of course, and Lola hugged Wodin Oh-so tightly. She then acquainted Wodin with all of the aspects of Friedrick and Fluff’s campaign for President.

Overwhelmed with a sense of excitement and awe, Wodin Reverently asked, "May I help with the campaign?" Fluff beamed, and Friedrick grunted (he was trying to get a sticky bit of Bit-O-Honey from his paw).

Lola shrieked and exclaimed, "You’re in! Mmmphmmkmymrt." The last part of her sentence was rather unintelligible, for Lola was trying to hide the conditions that might hinder her friend’s acceptance into the group. "What was that you said?" inquired Wodin.

Embarrassed, Lola quickly said, "Youcanonlyjoinifyouhelpuswithourforeignrelations."

Wodin beamed. She was an EXPERT with foreign relations! She clasped Lola’s hand and Fluff’s paw and joyfully exulted, "Of course! I can come up with ANYthing!" Fluff and Lola withdrew their hands from Wodin’s, and looked at one another doubtfully.

It was a moment before Lola spoke up. "You see, the other candidates, Jorge Q. Shrub and Cal Bore, have mocked Friedrick and Fluff for their lack of Global Political knowledge, especially about Holland (I am sure you have heard about the terrible trade scandal two weeks ago) and that Fluff has not yet issued a statement regarding their stance on the issue."

Wodin rubbed her chin and pondered. (It was times like these that she almost wished she had a beard!) Her eyes sparkled. "I have just the item!" Wodin cleared her throat and began:

"With Belguim and Luxembourg to the south, and Germany to the east,
The Netherlands produces tulips, beer, and sugar beets.
The weather there is cool, wet and mild.
The rivers Schedle, Meuse and Rhine are rather wild.
The official language there is Dutch,
And with half below sea level, dikes and windmills are used very much.
Now, dear friends, I must confess,
My poetry is not the best,
But I have tried to write a poem,
About the facts, as I know ’em."

When Wodin had finished, she bowed and took the applause of the two bears and Lola as adequate praise of her impromptu poem. Fluff whispered, "It’s perfect!" Lola quickly wrote the poem down and called for a press conference. In thirty minutes, the media had gathered in the Wilmont Center on the Big Yutz Campus, and all eagerly awaited news of "F&F’s" political statement. Fluff and Friedrick stood up and alternated speaking the lines, which flowed from their lips like sweet honey. After the recitation had finished, there was a moment of silence before the buzz of questions began.

"Ms. Fluff, you say that those are the facts as you know them. Are there any others that the American Public are unaware of?" Fluff smiled sweetly and said nothing as the barrage continued. "Mr. Friedrick, Sir, could you explain the bit about the dikes again? The American Public wishes to have you expound upon that vague statement. Does this mean you are going to advocate the use of dikes here in the United States if you are elected?" Friedrick licked his fingers (there was still some Bit-O-Honey stuck upon them). "Ms. Fluff…"

"That will be all of the questions for now," Lola abruptly ended the interview session. "Personal interviews will be granted upon a first come first serve basis in the order that you arrange with me, the publicist." With that, Lola herded the Bears and Wodin off of the platform and into a waiting Dodge mini-van (they didn’t have the funds for a Limousine because their Campaign Funds were running a little low). The Van sped away in the midst of a crowd of reporters trying to ask more questions and television news crews capturing every last bit of footage. Lola squealed with girly delight, and screamed at Wodin, "It was a hit! Your poem was a hit!" Wodin averted her eyes and blushed bashfully. "Aww, shucks. Twern’t nuthin’, Little Lady,"she drawled and lightly slugged Lola¹s shoulder. When the entourage arrived back in Lola's Apartment, Wodin’s face became downcast.

When asked what was wrong she said sadly, "I have to go. My work here is done (that, and I have classes at 8 a.m. tomorrow morning)." They all begged her not to leave, but Wodin could not be persuaded to stay. Wodin climbed into the commode and forlornly flushed. She arrived back in her own home with little damage, but very satisfied with all she had accomplished. "I have become a giant in the gymnastics finals!" she said gleefully, and skipped on her merry way, no longer feeling the heat of the day.

Thank you for tuning in to this edition of "Lovely Lola goes bananas." Be sure to watch next time when Lola throws a pie into a candidate’s face!

The 2000 Election Begins...

2005-02-02T11:23:00.000-08:00

Dear Friends, Family, and anyone else not otherwise categorized: I am about to embark upon another fabulous journey, of which you must all be a part of--I insist! Lovely Lola has sat upon the shelf for several weeks (not literally, Lola dear!) and she desires to come down, or whatever you do when you come off of a shelf. After all, it isn't like coming out of a closet, where you… well, on to the story.

When we last left our heroine, she was sniffing and wiping her eyes at the nuptials of her beloved Sister, Claudette, and Lola was then headed back to the Big Yutz University. She was ever so worried about how she was going to handle the upcoming term. She was SO distracted by the upcoming Presidential Elections between Cal Bore (the current Vice President) and Jorge Q. Shrub, the current governor of one of those big southern states. She had been asked by both candidates to sign on as permanent speech writer for their campaigns, but Lola had avoided giving either of them a definitive answer because she thought they were both dunder heads. (That, and she was secretly hoping for more money.) But, as we all know, Lola is very staunch in her views, and would never sell out. But, as she pondered a polite way to tell them, "NO! I think you are both a big pile of crappy things that ought not to be discussed around the dinner table!", suddenly, out of her toilet popped two thugs (armed and dangerous, to be sure!).

Before she even thought about it, Lola gave them Karate chops that she had learned in her self-defense class several weeks before. She was quite excited at the opportunity to use her moves. But, as she took a closer look, they were the presidential candidates! And she had knocked them out! (They had been trying to get Friedrick and Fluff to help with their campaigns, but when approached with the idea, Friedrick and Fluff had giggled conspiratorially and pushed them down and-what else?-tap danced upon their heads. Shrub and Bore must have learned the Toilet Travel method of Transportation from those two tenacious Teddy bears! Anyway. Back to the story).

Lola knew it was just a matter of time before members of the mass media would be trying to break down her door in attempt to get exclusive interviews with Lola about her tête-à-tête with the presidential boors (or Bore.). As Lola pondered her next move, Shrub groaned and sat up, leaning on one elbow while the other arm rubbed his aching head. Lola cried, "Shut up! I am trying to think!" and pushed him back down onto the floor, once again causing the poor man to become unconscious. As Lola stood there, poised for action, two storm troopers advanced quickly towards her, shouting, "Set to Stun!" Lola turned to dive into the escape pod. Wait, wrong story. Let's try again:

As Lola stood there, poised for action, an idea came to her: she could stuff them back into the toilet and flush them to where they came from! Lola was a strong girl, but clearly the stress of the election campaign had caused these men to turn to comfort foods (they looked, and felt, considerably heavier than the last time Lola had seen them). As Lola heaved and hefted, She was finally able to get the candidates into the toilet. They weren't standing; as a matter of fact, one half of their bodies were slumped over the edge of the toilet bowl, and Lola only hoped that her plan would work. Lola gave the toilet a mighty flush and WHOOSH! The presidential hopefuls were gone in a flash (or flush). Lola hoped that their memory of the incident would be limited.

Later that night, as Lola went to watch some quality Professional WWF (Weird Wrestling Freaks) Wrestling on television, it was interrupted by a news flash: Tom Brokaw came on saying, "There has been a new development in the race for the White House. Both Jorge Q. Shrub and Cal Bore arrived at their debate tonight looking rather disheveled and soaking wet. When questioned, Bore was quoted as saying, 'The Bears did it to us... and then... then… That girl… she was a Jedi master." before collapsing under the strain. Both men were taken to an area hospital to be treated for lacerations and are listed in fair condition. As a result, an unnamed Jedi master is now being sought for questioning. No charges have been filed." Brokaw stopped to take a breath and shift his gaze to the other camera. "In other news, Friedrick, star of the hit series 'Friedrick and Fluff' has announced his candidacy for President, and Fluff has announced her intentions to be his running mate. Details at eleven. Back to our regularly scheduled program."

The newsbreak had caused Lola to miss the one fight she was interested in, but she was too excited to care! Not only would she not be charged with a crime (everyone KNEW she wasn't a Jedi Master!), but her favorite bears were running for president! She called them to give them her full support and volunteer to become their speechwriter. On the other line, Fluff graciously said, "Only dunder heads could have fallen so easily." Friedrick followed with, "And don't forget my position on trading peanut butter for vegemite with the Australians!" And the phone call was over. Lola was happy.

Well friends, I hope you have enjoyed this story, and may I remind you: Vote F&F in '00!

Claudette's Wedding, Pt 2: The Wedding and its Disasters!

2005-02-01T06:45:00.000-08:00

Claudette was ever so excited. Her nuptials were ever nearing, and her plans were falling into place. She had even found a surprise minister to preside over the terrific ceremony. Friedrick and Fluff (close friends of Wodin the Wise and her younger sister Jeanette-the one who used to make Friedrick and Fluff scrub toilets--don't ask) had graciously agreed to attend, and even participate in, The Wedding. Claudette the Crazy was tremendously excited that the two famous bears were going to be the ring bearer and Flower girl for The Wedding. She had ordered the bear-sized Tux for Friedrick and the poofy, taffeta and organza dress for Fluff.

Unfortunately, Fluff (who has an impaired sense of style, or at least Claudette thinks so) thought the dress was hideous, especially in Salmon pink and Vivid orange. But we all know that Claudette has impeccable taste, and Fluff was just jealous that she was not getting married to her love of all loves: Chewbacca. ("He's so strong! And handsome to boot!" Fluff once said.) Anyhow, because Fluff loves Claudette she agreed to wear the dress. And all was right with the world. Confused Chris was spending most of his time preparing his honeymoon gift for his intended: a mass game of Friedrick and Fluff Virtual Reality Space Tag. He was so careful about keeping it a secret. He felt VERY sneaky. But Claudette felt she was being ignored. She felt this was no way to plan a wedding.

One night, shortly before The Wedding, she sat on her bed and cried. Fluff, who heard the despairing sobs coming from the room, entered and asked Claudette what was wrong. "M-m-my darl-ling C-c-c-confused Chrisss!" she wailed. "He is ig-ignoring meeee!" She buried her head in her pillow.

Fluff (who knew ALL about the Surprise for The Wedding) patted Claudette on the shoulder and said, "There, there. At least YOU aren't in love with an unapproachable Wookie! Be grateful that Chris is only peeling beans in the shed." Claudette was very comforted by these reassuring words (Fluff is VERY helpful like that) and skipped off to try on her nearly finished wedding dress, again.

It was the day of The Wedding. Claudette was so nervous, she felt as though she would hurl. Luckily, her sister Lola and friend Masked Mal were there to reassure her and hold a bucket, just in case. Wodin the Wise was too busy arranging the flowers, and Stan was fuming over her bridesmaid dress (like Fluff, she felt they were hideous, but Claudette has absolutely WONDERFUL taste, so it must be just in their minds). But, eventually the time came for The Wedding to begin, but it was doomed from the start.

As we all know, Claudette had retained a Surprise Minister. This surprise minister happened to be Wayne Newton! And, if you know your Friedrick and Fluff history, you know that Wayne once had an, um, Encounter with the little bears, and has ever since been petrified of them. In fact, he had once been institutionalized at the sight of them. As the ring bearer and Flower girl began to walk down the aisle, Wayne saw immediately who they were. As they walked slowly toward him, he became increasingly agitated, until he finally burst by saying, "IT'S THEM!!! The LITTLE BEARS!!! Helllp Meee!" Wayne ran away, tearing his hair out. Claudette looked like she was about to cry. Fortunately for her, Fluff had a license to officiate weddings, so The Wedding was not decimated. Fluff climbed into the cockpit of her x-wing, and flew of to meet with Yoda to train to become a Jedi... oh, wait, that's Fluff's fantasy, not Claudette's. Sorry. Where was I? HERE: The procession proceeded as normal, minus one flower girl. As the happy couple approached the altar, Fluff beamed at them.

"Do you both promise to shove cake up one another's nose at the reception?" Claudette and Chris looked at one another with glee, and simultaneously nodded.

"Are you willing to love and cherish and all of that other good stuff?" Again, the couple said yes.

"Do you both agree that Chewbacca is the handsomest creature in the universe?" Claudette and Chris looked confused, and Fluff snapped out of her stupor: "I mean, strike that. Do you both agree that … Oh crap. I forgot what I was saying. Forget it. Let's get to the good part: Kiss the bride, and I now pronounce you Wookie and Bear, I mean, Husband and Wife." With a lovely kiss, Claudette and Chris were married, and all was good. And that was that. The end.

P.S. Claudette LOVED her Honeymoon Surprise.

(Theme music. Credits. Fade out.)

Claudette's Wedding, Part 1

2005-01-31T08:30:00.000-08:00

Life was crazy. Especially for Claudette the Crazy. She was getting married to her wonderful friend, Confused Chris. He was a lovely boy, but ever so confused about subjects having to do with domesticity. Claudette was trying to plan the wedding, but all Chris was doing was planning his next mass game of Friedrick and Fluff Virtual Reality Space Tag. He was actually planning this as a Honeymoon surprise for his Sweetheart, but she did not realize this (Duh, it's a SURPRISE!) and thought he was just goofing off.

Well, Claudette had many intricate plans for the wedding. She wanted the entire wedding to be held underwater, with everyone (guests included) in SCUBA gear. But this was a problem. After all, how many White wet suits have YOU seen? She wanted her wet suit to be trimmed in pearls (how appropriate for an underwater wedding! Claudette has stellar taste! Except for the whole "underwater" thing. Anyway, back to the story.). She also wanted her bouquet to be water lilies, and the bridesmaids to wear algae green (you see what I mean about the great taste? I wish I had that kind of taste!) and she wanted to have tropical fish released instead of white doves.

However, Claudette was panicked. The wedding was only a few weeks away, and she couldn't find a minister who could SCUBA dive. Also, one of her bridesmaids was hydrophobic and couldn't swim. One of the Groomsmen refused to go underwater (he was afraid it would ruin his hair) and there was still the matter of how the wedding march was going to be heard underwater. Claudette was going crazy. Her Confused significant other was all absorbed in his wedding gift to his future wife, and couldn't be disturbed.

Claudette burst into tears. She sat down on the edge of her bed with her head in her hands. Suddenly, in a great cloud of cigarette smoke, appeared Merv, the Fairy God Cabby. He took one look at Claudette and said, "Oh geez! Why do I get roped into handlin' these "womanly" crises? Sheesh! Okay. Shoot. Whaddaya want?" he asked in a slightly perturbed, nasal New York accent.

Claudette had not noticed the cabby's appearance, and was shocked to see him. He stood as he always did, about two feet off the floor with his perpetual three days growth of stubble, a cigarette dangling from his lips, and his potbelly hanging over his tutu.

Wait! This was different! He wasn't wearing a tutu! He was wearing a wedding gown! Claudette burst out laughing, and Merv looked at himself for the first time (he was dressed magically as he was transported to each assignment) and was disgusted to see himself. “Who thinks up these things? I just do the fairy gig to supplement my income as a cab driver!” Merv continued muttering and cursing under his breath until he was interrupted by Claudette.

“Excuse me, but I am having a crisis here, as you so astutely pointed out, and I am in desperate need of Fairy Intervention.” Merv acquiesced, and asked what she needed. Claudette stood up and began to pace about the room as she recalled all of the issues that had caused her to burst into tears. "Well," she began, "I need 20 tropical fish to release at the completion of the ceremony, Water lily bouquets for all of my bridesmaids and myself. . . " Merv began to take notes. Claudette was gathering speed and counting items off on her fingers as she listed them. ". . . I need a white wet suit trimmed with pearls, a tuxedo wet suit, a minister who can speak underwater without drowning, an underwater string quartet for the wedding march . . ." Claudette continued to list items, each more impossible than the last.

In frustration, Merv threw down his pencil and paper and stomped his feet (which looked rather silly, because he was standing two feet above the floor, remember?). "Fuggedaboutit. I GIVE UP!!!" And Merv disappeared, this time in a shower of rice. Claudette looked mystified. What was she going to do without an expert wedding planner like Merv? Then the idea came to her: A Friedrick and Fluff theme wedding!

Claudette quickly began work on the new plans, which included the guests of honor (you guessed it, Friedrick and Fluff themselves) as ring bearer and flower girl. Claudette was happier because there was ALWAYS Fluff and Friedrick paraphernalia to be found in the stores, and she didn't need to worry about Teddy bear-phobic bridesmaids, and she didn't need to stress about hearing music underwater anymore. Confused Chris was glad because it fit well with his Honeymoon present. Claudette's father was glad because a Friedrick and Fluff theme wedding was a great deal cheaper than renting SCUBA gear for all of the guests. And all were happy. Claudette murmured softly, "Water makes you wet at weddings anyways." And that was that.

Stay tuned for the continuation of this episode, entitled, "The Wedding, and its DISASTERS."

Illness in the Ranks

2005-01-30T13:44:00.000-08:00

Wodin was most distraught. She was sick. She was so sick, that when she opened her mouth, no sound whatsoever came out! (true story) She sat there amongst many people, and unable to join in because of her lack of noticeable vocal capability. She sat feeling most miserable.

But Lo! who should come along but the mysterious and ever-elusive Masked Mal! Mal sat down next to Wodin and began to talk, "Hi there! I noticed that you were sitting here all alone, so I thought I would come sit by you and cheer you up. Say, is something wrong? You know, I have the funniest story to tell about the other day, it involves a long complicated mess concerning things you don't even know what I am talking about because, well, you just don't, and…"

Wodin opened her mouth to tell Mal that she was ill, and not really feeling herself, but no sound escaped her mouth! Wodin realized with great horror that she was trapped! She could not rudely walk away from such a lovely friend as Mal, but she could not stand to listen to this silly story about the rebels having stolen the plans to the Empire's Galactic Space station that could blow up an entire planet. Whoops! I got a little carried away there in some other story. Anyways, you get the idea.

Wodin was just forced to suffer until (Series crossover. Refer to "The Chronicles of Friedrick and Fluff) Fluff, with all of her spunk, swung in on a vine like Tarzan and swept Wodin into her arms and swung her away from the crazy Mal, who was still telling her story with glee and didn't notice that Wodin was missing. But it was better that way. Everyone was happy. Mal thought she was being listened to, and Wodin escaped.

Wodin profusely thanked the little bear (in writing. Remember? She couldn't speak!)

Fluff waved away the compliments, and said, "Shucks, little lady. That's my job. Now, iffn you ever git in iny tr'bble agin, jest holler, an' Ah'll be there quicker'n a horsefly kin bite!" Fluff winked, and swung out of there.
Wodin returned to Mal 3 hours later (she had used the time to see a movie) and just in time for Mal to finish her recounting of her tale of the little ship (the Minnow) and the Skipper, and a professor, and Gilligan, and. . . . anyway, you get the picture.

Mal asked, "So what's YOUR opinion?"

Wodin scratched her chin, and thought, "I think that French fries are a delicacy best served when sprinkled lightly with marmalade and faerie dust." Mal clapped her hands and was overjoyed (this was the first time someone had actually listened to her! Or so she thought). Together, they went off home, just as Wodin remembered she had spoken! Her voice was back! And that was that.

A Very Yutzy Christmas

2005-01-29T08:52:00.000-08:00

Lola was back at Big Yutz University after her vacation home for Thanksgiving. Unfortunately, she was now in the big rush to hurry finals and get home for Christmas. But, being Lola, she was so stressed out that she couldn't think straight. She flopped down onto her bed to try and sort through the thoughts of what she wanted for Christmas:
"All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth. No, no, that was third grade. I want a hippopotamus for Christmas, only a hippopotamus will do. No, that isn't it either, that was sixth grade. Hmm." Lola mused. " Santa Baby, slip a sable under the tree, for me, I've been an awful good girl, Santa Baby, so Hurry down the chimney tonight. No, that was last year."

Poor Lola, she was so stressed out she couldn't even remember what she wanted for Christmas! "Where's a Fairy God-Cabbie when you need one!" wailed Lola. Just as she had uttered those words and was about to slip into a Christmas Funk, her Fairy God Cabbie appeared over her bed. Lola sat up, surprised. "You look different. Did you shave? No. That's not it." She paused and mused some more. "You quit smoking! Good for you!"
The Cabbie looked at Lola disgustedly. "Whadda Moron," he spat." For yer information, I did not shave. I am wearing a SANTA COSTUME WITH A FLUFFY WHITE BEARD!!"

Lola was shocked. She had not realized this, but after her Cabby had so nicely pointed this fact out to her, she realized it was indeed true. She beamed at him. "And what a nice costume it is! I had no idea that Fairy God Cabbies went seasonal!" Merv (for that was the Cabbie's name) gave a frustrated sigh and said, "I give up! Listen, Lila, or whatevah yer name is, you want a Friedrick And Fluff Complete Action Toy Set (TM) With a Bonus Package of Cheez Whiz (TM). Ya got that?" And with that, Merv poofed away in a cloud of scented Holiday candle smoke. Lola arose from the bed and, with her eyes shining, exclaimed, "Yes! That is exactly what I want!" And Lola went to inform all close friends, acquaintances, and Family members of her Christmas wish. And she was happy, and able to concentrate upon her finals.
THE END

Sponsored by the Friedrick And Fluff Complete Action Toy Set (TM) with a Bonus Package of Cheez Whiz (TM), found only at select Toy-Plex's near you!

Lovely, Lovely Lola

2005-01-28T08:30:00.000-08:00

Once upon a time, there was a girl. Her name was Lovely Lola. But then, you already know that. But she was indeed quite lovely, but not always the most brilliant girl in the world. (Lola's "namesake" should take no offense. She and Lola are QUITE different.) She loved College, and attended BYU (Big Yutz University). But there, she ran into some major problems. I mean, Major problems. She couldn't decide whether to Major in Underwater Basket weaving, or Lacrosse and Field Hockey education.

Feeling very lonely, and rather confused, she began calling her friends back home. Stan Q. Fitzhubert yawned at the question and said, "I am majoring in the physiology of the One-Horned-One-Eyed-Giant-Purple-People-Eater. That is SOOOO complicated you know, with that eye and all." She could offer no further help to Lola, seeing as she (Stan) had a term paper due on the subject of the O.H.O.E.G.P.P.E.'s personal hygiene habits in the wild (not in captivity). Lola sighed, and proceeded to call Wodin the Wise.

Wodin, after her unsuccessful attempt to attend the Big Yutz University, burst into tears at hearing Lola's voice, and was quite inconsolable. All she could get out was, "I w-w-want to be a y-y-y-Yutz!" Lola professed her condolences rather well, but hurriedly got off the phone, because Wodin's cries were rather shrill.

About to give up in despair and become an Early Education Major in spite of herself, Lola was very surprised to see a rather awkward, slightly obese New York Cabbie in a pink Tutu hanging over her bed. He had about a three-day's growth of dark stubble on his chin, and a cigarette dangled rather haphazardly from his lips. Lola was amazed.

"Whaddayawant?" The cabbie asked gruffly. Lola was too amazed to say anything just yet and so she just stared. The Cabbie looked rather pointedly at his watch and said, "Ya know, the meter's runnin. Ya bettah hurry up. I got other Fairy God-Cabbie Children to visit."

Lola was shaken from her stupor and said, "I need a major. Underwater basket weaving, or Lacrosse and field hockey education?"

The Cabbie said, "What do I look like? A guidance counselor?" and with a big puff of cigarette smoke, he disappeared.

Lola was in dire straits. She just then happened to look out the window, where she saw a Wombat. She shouted, "Eureka!" She had discovered her major: to study these elusive creatures of Australia. (Don't ask why there was a wombat in Utah. You don't want to know. Ok, I'll tell you. He was on vacation. With his Mother.)

Leaping with joy, Lola grabbed the Wombat, and went off to declare her major. Then she whispered to the Wombat, "Remember, when you chose a major yourself, don't ask the burly security guard for his opinion. He will just smear your face with pudding."

And that was that.

Wodin and Big Yutz University

2005-01-27T07:10:00.000-08:00

Allow me to introduce Wodin the Wise and Lovely Lola, longtime friends and wacky people. Let the story begin...

Wodin the Wise didn't feel so very wise. She felt rejected. She had thought she was good enough to enter a college she really liked, but it was not so. In all of her bitterness, Wodin took an industrial size package of toilet paper, you know, the kind large industries use to cut down on cost. It was a VERY large package. She could not carry it herself.

She was about to sit down and cry, when there was a bright cloud of smoke, and a New York Cabbie (with a three day's growth of stubble on his chin and a cigarette dangling from his lips) appeared. He was floating about 3 feet off the ground, and he was wearing a pink Tutu. "Whaddaya want?" he growled.
"I w-want to, to, Toilet p-paper the university that, that, that, r-rejected m-m-meeeee!"she hiccupped.
Her Fairy God-Cabbie rubbed his chin and said, "So? What's the problem? Ya got the T.P. Go to it. Quit yer blubberin'."
Wodin wailed louder, and the hiccupping intensified. "I can't get there! M-my toi-let p-paper is, is t-t-too big t-t-to, to carry!" She burst into fresh tears, and the cabbie put his hand on his hip and sighed loudly.
"Bippity boppity BLEEP" said the cabbie (well, he IS from New York!). And suddenly, Wodin found herself out side of Lovely Lola's dorm room! Immediately, she forgot about the T.P. Instead, she ran inside, and said, "I am here, and my Fairy God Cabbie..."
Lola looked at her quizzically. "What Fairy God Cabbie?" she asked? Wodin looked about, and could find no trace of the cabbie, except a cigarette butt on the ground. "Nevermind," said Wodin. "Just remember, Clouds look purple when you look at them through kaleidoscopes."

Do Not Weep; All Is Not Lost

2005-01-26T10:43:00.000-08:00

Today is the last of the Friedrick and Fluff Tales of Teddy Bears. Beginning tomorrow, you will experience the drama of Lovely Lola, Wodin the Wise (that would be ME!), and their friends as they become fast friends with those two tenacious teddy bears. Until then, read this:

"It's a Bird! It's a plane! It's Ronald!!!"
The happy reunion didn't last. Someone came and interrupted: Ronald Mc Donald! He was jealous of Fluff (and at this point, who wasn't), who had stolen his job. He climbed upon a ledge and threatened to jump if he didn't get his job back. Unfortunately the ledge was only two feet off the ground. Still, all those present were worried about Ronald's well being, so they brainstormed and everyone got a chance to try and talk Ronald off of the two-foot ledge. Frieda, the sourpus, didn't get anywhere, because she is so depressing. She said, "Oh, so you lost your job, huh? Don't kill yourself over that! When you don't have any money, THEN you can die!"

"I don't have any money!" Ronald cried. And that was that.
Finally they called in another out-of-date comrade: Wayne Newton! He told Ronald of his experiences with the "Demons" and Ronald realized how lucky he was not to have furry Demons in his life, so he stepped down. Unfortunately, he sprained his ankle. He was rushed to the hospital where grumpy cousin Frieda squirted Cheez Whiz on his swollen ankle. And that was that.

Nothing More Than Feelings
Well, Fluff found after three weeks that he agent was cheating on her. He was taking more than his ten percent share—let's just leave it at that. So she fired him, and searched and searched and searched for a new agent, but one just couldn't be found. Friedrick offered to be her agent, but Fluff knew he had no experience in that sort of thing so she said, "NO!" Finally, one person (if you can call him that) answered her ad: Ploppy Kerploppus: World famous Oceanographer and T.V. Star! Whoops... Wrong plot. Unfortunately, all he could say was, "Plop plop ploppy ploppus!" Actually, he got Fluff a good job—as a singer in a night club. Fluff had a beautiful voice. But Friedrick came one night to watch and became jealous because Fluff got so much attention. Friedrick jumped up on stage and began singing (in his terrible voice) "Feeelingsss! Nothing moore thaannn feeelingsss!" Fluff was so embarrassed that she jumped off the stage and ran home crying. Friedrick felt bad, so he went home and said, "I'm sorry Fluff. I didn't mean to be a sagebrush balancing on a twig growing in sand!" Fluff sniffed and said, "Antifreeze is pink at night and yellow in day, and tastes like chocolate in winter!" Friedrick knew he was forgiven.

More Cheez Whiz
Well, Hollywood was losing its novelty. Fluff and Friedrick were bored. Luckily for them their cousin Frieda came to visit. She brought lots of Cheez Whiz with her, and she drank it with a straw. This made Fluff sick, and (since she was white) she turned a pale yellow color, and whispered, "Oh my. Carrie Fisher was better than this, So was Wayne Newton." So instead of Blowing Chunks, she flushed herself to Las Vegas. There she found a Club and got up on stage and began to do the can-can and sing "La so lo Mio (if that's how you spell it) and she was booed off the stage. She didn't know why until she realized that Big Bertha, the Trumpet playing Elephant, had been playing when she came. Bertha tried to step on her, but Fluff was too small and too quick. She decided Las Vegas was a bad idea so she went back to Hollywood, the Jealous Friedrick, the Ploppy Kerploppus, and Frieda, the Cheez Whiz gobbler. Friedrick said, "I told you so. Next time, ride a caravan of ants and you won't get saddle sores!" Fluff was humbled. Ploppy Kerploppus said, "Plopp!" And Frieda asked if anyone wanted Cheez Whiz. Everyone regretfully declined.

In Which Fluff Takes on a Corporate Mascot

2005-01-25T07:19:00.000-08:00

Come one, come all, and hear ye the tales of two teddy bears!

The Burger Bear
Friedrick was in Hollywood with Fluff. They were glad to be together. Fluff continued to do Commercials for Mc Donald’s, yet somehow people would give her dirty looks as she went down the street. She was being recognized, but not in a good way. She went to her slimy agent and said, "This isn't working out. If I am going to do these commercials, you HAVE to stop calling me Ronald! Everyone knows that I am not Ronald Mc Donald! It doesn’t make sense to call me Ronald!" Fluff's agent considered the thought for the moment, and had a light bulb flash over his head: "I've got it!" He shouted.

"Friedrick will star with you and you can be the Burger Bear Twins!" Fluff squinted her eyes at the agent and said that she would have to talk it over with Friedrick. Fluff was jealous. She didn't want to share her fame (nor infamy) with Friedrick. So she went back to her agent and hypnotized him. She said, "Under my spell you will call me THE Burger Bear!" The agent never knew what hit him. The next time a commercial was filmed Fluff snuggled up to a blanket (like the Downy Bear) and a Burger (Like Ronald) and batted her eyelashes. From then on, Fluff was seen as "that cute little Burger Bear!" (TM Mc Donald's 1995). She loved it. Friedrick never even knew that he had once had the chance to make it big. He was too busy dealing with a new arrival: grumpy cousin Frieda. And Fluff liked it that way. (More on Frieda—She likes Cheez Whiz and was jealous of Fluff, so she came to steal her money. But it didn't work because Fluff stole her Cheez whiz and... Whoops. That's for LATER.)

O Wise Zen Master
Jeanette was in Oregon. She was lonely. She also had dirty toilets. She didn't know how to clean them because she had always had Fluff and Friedrick to clean them. She would have flushed to Hollywood, but last time she flushed without a guide she got stuck and frozen in Siberia. She thought for a long time about what to do, then she realized what she COULD do: She recorded a message in R2-D2 and sent it to Obi Wan Kenobi—Whoops. A little off track. Actually, she put an ad in the newspaper for a "Flusher Guide." Finally, someone responded: A Zen Master (you know, the guy from "Karate Kid"). Anyway, he told her she must concentrate and clear her mind, blah blah blah, and a bunch of other junk. Finally she flushed, but O Wise Zen Master just took her money and ran away laughing. Jeanette, luckily, still ended up in Hollywood. In fact, she ended up in Fluff's VERY clean toilet. Secretly, Fluff and Friedrick missed Jeanette, so it was a happy reunion and Jeanette said, "Dinosaurs are purple when Gobstoppers eat figs!" Only Frieda –who was a sourpuss -- didn't feel glad. Instead, she squirted Cheez Whiz on everyone.

From Las Vegas to Siberia to Hollywood

2005-01-24T07:53:00.000-08:00

Time yet again for the Chronicles of Friedrick and Fluff. As always, remember that You're the only one who thinks you're as cool as you think you are.

Fluff and Friedrick Love Popsicles
Fluff and Friedrick neglected to provide for food after Jeanette had been flushed, and after a week, they ran out of food. After another week, they ran out of money. Fluff now hated Las Vegas, and even though Friedrick tried to tell her that they could go there to earn money Fluff said the only way to get there was to go by toilet. Friedrick vetoed that idea. Then they decided they had to flush themselves to Jeanette. After about ten flushes they found themselves in Siberia! Luckily their fluffiness kept them warm!

Unfortunately, Jeanette had no such fluffiness and they found her an ice cube—and much too big to flush. So they got in a car and drove till it broke. Then they biked until the tires popped. Then they roller-bladed until the ball bearings rolled to the ground. Then they walked and walked and walked until their feet wore out and they bought a new pair at the foot store. The foot store also happened to sell blowtorches, so they bought two and went back to thaw Jeanette. When she was thawed they flushed back together and Jeanette still made them clean the toilets, but Friedrick had enough time to whisper to Fluff, "Yellow jackets crunch in your teeth when coated with peanut butter and blue grass." Fluff just cried.

Hollywood!!!!
After three weeks of scrubbing toilets Fluff found that her fingers were about to fall off, so she stopped. Jeanette saw and yelled at her, so Fluff jumped in the toilet and threatened to flush. Jeanette did not stop so Fluff flushed. She popped up in Hollywood in a public restroom. Just then a talent agent opened the stall door and exclaimed, "Oh my gosh! You're the next 'Downy Bear'! This is terrific!" The agent got Fluff a contract as the new spokesperson for Mc Donald's. She got the contract because Ronald's hair was out of style. When Fluff appeared on a commercial. Friedrick knew where to find her, and Jeanette was jealous. Friedrick then flushed himself to Hollywood. They were happy. When they spoke their first words to one another, they said the same thing: "Hamburgers are cold after you burn them in butter and grasshopper legs!" And they were happy.

The Bears Meet a Star!

2005-01-23T13:41:00.000-08:00

Now is the time for your daily dose of "Friedrick and Fluff: How Fluffy Are They?"

Carrie Fisher
Now, both Friedrick and Fluff were sick of water travel, so they decided to hitch a ride. They went to the road, and stuck out their thumbs, and who should come along but Carrie Fisher! She looked at them and said, "Ewoks! I haven't seen you for a long time! Hop in!" Friedrick and Fluff couldn't bear to correct her because she looked so happy. So they went along and talked gibberish: "Unga thingga wa!" said Friedrick. "Chingga wassa hang!" agreed Fluff. And Carrie was happy. Unfortunately, she just left them on the other side of Las Vegas, where she pinched their cheeks and drove off. "Well," said Friedrick," At least she wasn't a dinosaur sitting on a purple tree." And Fluff said, "No, she was a pig swimming in a vat of green chocolate sauce." Friedrick agreed.

Carrie Fisher, part 2

Still stuck in Las Vegas, Fluff and Friedrick got a job as a night show in one of the casinos. Unfortunately, Carrie Fisher dropped in one night. She saw that they weren't speaking Ewok gibberish and she flew into a rage. She jumped up on stage and began to dance to, "Tip-toe Through the Tulips." Friedrick and Fluff looked at each other and knew what they had to do. They pulled out their blasters and set them to stun and then took the princess to Lord Vader and... Wait. Wrong story. Actually, they pushed her down and tap danced on her forehead, and then ran away giggling. The next day, poor Carrie had no memory of the event at all, and she wondered why there were tap shoe prints all over her forehead.

"Me Jane-- I mean, Fluff!"
Fluff decided it was time to go home. She was tired of dancing. One night Fluff left Friedrick in the middle of the night. She swung like Tarzan on the telephone wires; it was loads of fun. Unfortunately, she got home and crashed through the front window. Jeanette made her wash toilets. Suddenly, Fluff felt an Urge, so in the middle of the night, she grabbed Jeanette and flushed her! Fluff laughed and laughed and thought, "The house is all mine! " Unfortunately she had forgotten that Friedrick was really in Las Vegas, and she missed him. Fluff hated to travel by toilet, but it was the only way. She closed her eyes and flushed. *pop!* She came up in Carrie Fisher's bathroom. Carrie took her to Friedrick, and the two bears flushed themselves home, and this time they didn't have to clean toilets! Fluff said, "Rocks are soft except when you drink mustard." Friedrick agreed and added, "Yes, but mustard is blue when you ride cats!"

NOTE: No harm is meant by this (fictional) characterization of Carrie Fisher. Please don't send hit men to my house, Ms. Fisher. Love, Wodin
ps--Do teddy bears have thumbs? Discuss.

Friedrick and Fluff: The Second Installment

2005-01-22T08:57:00.000-08:00

Here is day two of the wonderful Chronicles of Friedrick and Fluff. Click the link below to read the full story. I am trying to experiment with not making the posts so bleeding long.

Wayne Newton
Fluff and Friedrick were elated to be together. Together they danced with Wayne Newton in his Vegas show. One night Wayne talked and talked, and talked. He talked so incessantly that the bears couldn't dance. They got tired of waiting for their chance to perform, so they pushed Wayne down and tap-danced on his forehead to "Tiptoe through the Tulips." They received a standing ovation.

The Lawsuit
Well, Fluff never should have pushed Wayne, because the next day, he served her (and Friedrick) with a lawsuit! They did not have enough money to pay the lawsuit, much less a lawyer. They had to go to court anyway, so they sat in their chairs very still. The judge entered, took one look at the motionless Friedrick and Fluff, and said, "You can't sue Teddy bears! They can't even move! Bailiff, dump Wayne here in a Funny Farm! Lawsuit Dismissed!" Fluff and Friedrick decided that they'd had enough of Las Vegas, so they went home to Jeanette, who made them clean the toilet.

Purple Trees
Friedrick was bored. He had been home from Las Vegas for a week, and that entire week his true love, Jeanette, had made him clean toilets. Friedrick decided it was time for another adventure, but Fluff was tired of flushing herself places. So together they brainstormed. The bathtub drain had lots of little holes, all too small to travel through. The sink had the disposal in the way. The last resort was the washing machine, so they jumped in and turned the cycle to normal. Soon, a whooshing, sucking feeling came to them. When they next saw light they popped out of Wayne Newton's washing machine! He screamed and began pulling his hair out and yelling, "They're back!! The demons are BACK!!" Then he fainted and they ran away giggling. Next they read in the newspaper that Wayne had been dropped back in the loony bin. All Friedrick said was, "Trees are purple when dinosaurs sit on them." Fluff agreed.

Stay tuned for out next episode of: Friedrick and Fluff: The lost Chronicles!!!

Let the tales begin....

2005-01-21T13:29:00.000-08:00

I would like to commence retelling the tales of the Two Tenacious Teddy Bears. Learn where the terms, "my pickles are frozen," and "Peanut butter, Peanut butter," originated! I am sure you will enjoy them! I will post a few stories today, and few more tomorrow and the day after that! So, here we go:

Friedrick
Once there was a little bear. His name was Friedrick. He loved Jeanette very much. Unfortunately, Friedrick was only a little bear while Jeanette was a human; they could not get married-- unless they went and ran away to Las Vegas. So Friedrick ran away to Las Vegas, but he forgot Jeanette! Boo hoo!

Fluff
Once there was a bear named Fluff. She liked her brother Friedrick very much. When he ran off to Las Vegas she thought it was all Jeanette's fault, so Fluff bit her. Jeanette said, "Ouch! Bad girl! Now you must spend all day cleaning the toilet!" Fluff was sad. She decided to join Friedrick so she jumped into the CLEAN toilet and flushed herself to Las Vegas!

Friedrick and Fluff
You have read a story about Friedrick. You have read a story about Fluff. Here is one about both of them. Fluff kept flushing but she just couldn't find the right toilet to take her to her brother's hotel room in Las Vegas. Meanwhile... Friedrick had a job in Las Vegas dancing on stage with Wayne Newton! He danced and he danced and danced but he justwasn't happy. He wished Fluff were with him. Dejectedly, he went back to his hotel room. Meanwhile... Fluff was tired of flushing. She decided to flush one more time, and Voila ! She popped up to see Friedrick brushing his teeth at the sink! They were both so happy to see each other that they started to cry! Friedrick said, "Peanut Butter, Peanut butter!" And Fluff said, "My pickles are frozen!" The perfect end to a perfect day!

Friedrick and Fluff Take Over

2005-01-21T13:09:00.000-08:00

So I decided that Friedrick and Fluff (my very close, wonderful friends) need a place to live and survive, and thrive online, hence the blog. If only people would begin to believe that two tenacious teddy bears could some day rule the world...
Speaking of ruling the world, they are extremely put out that, yet again, they lost the presidency to Jorge Q. Shrub. It would have been nice to be the nation's first teddy bears to become President and Vice President, but they have come to accept that President Shrub has defeated them yet again. Keep in mind, however, that Friedrick and Fluff have every intention to run again in four years.
Just remember: Friedrick and Fluff are Great! Vote for them in '08!

2005-01-07T12:21:00.000-08:00

Wanted

2004-01-31T18:04:00.000-08:00

Boys Have Cooties

2004-01-31T18:00:00.000-08:00

Idea stolen from Kate the Fantastic!

2004-01-31T17:58:00.000-08:00

Why send a REAL gift when you can send lousy flowers?

2004-01-31T17:53:00.000-08:00

Love is overrated, isn't it? Send to your most overrated love!

2004-01-31T17:51:00.001-08:00

Valentine Two (Inspired by Mommy Wise)

2004-01-31T17:51:00.000-08:00

Valentines by Friedrick and Fluff