A Wedding of Lovely Proportions

Well, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, children of all ages, it has been far too long since you have seen a story about our Lovely Lola. So here is a story detailing the conclusion of her Lovely Wedding! Read, enjoy, but do not set fire to anything. Fluff would not approve.

“I’ll tell you what I want, what I really, really want. So tell me what you want, what you really, really want… Lala… Hmmmmm… Lalala…”

Lola was dancing about her bedroom, listening to some very loudly playing Spice Girls music and singing along whenever she remembered the words. Why was this Lovely girl doing this? Because she was about to be married in three days. Several months earlier she had found a Lovely dress, her bridesmaids’ dresses were nearly finished, and the firefighter themed decorations were nearly ready. What could possibly go wrong?

Just as she was dancing particularly vigorously, the phone rang, and she paused in mid-splits. Answering the phone, she heard some ominous news: Wayne Newton had, once again, been released to a residential rehab home.

“When the time is right, “cautioned Fluff, “he will strike. Beware the man driven insane by tenacious teddy bears.”

Lola hung up the phone and began to fret. First she furrowed her brow, creasing it into many lines. Next she began to bite her lower lip. And finally, she began to flap one hand repeatedly, saying over and over again (when not biting her lip, that is), “He’s coming! He’s coming!” And so it went like that for three hours, during which time she was supposed to be gluing the last of the glittery spangles to her shoes. Instead, her shoes remained plain, and Lola’s lip began to swell.

***

Meanwhile, back at the ranch… Or, really, back at Wodin’s house, Wodin was busy adding the final spangles to the Bridesmaids’ shoes. They looked fantastic. Because the wedding was firefighter themed, she was gluing the spangles in a pattern that looked like flames. They were oh-so-lovely. She knew Lola would love them “Lola…” Wodin said aloud, suddenly remembering that Wayne Newton had been released, and it would only be a matter of time before he showed up. And thanks to Fluff’s inclusion in the wedding party, the tabloids had been all over, sniffing about for tidbits on the big day. One of those loose-lipped ninnies from Inside Edition was bound to let something slip, and there Wayne would find his opening and show up, just in time to ruin everything. Wodin knew there was something that had to be done. She placed the last spangle on the last shoe, put the glue gun down, and went to the telephone call in a favor to a friend…

***

At that moment, while Wodin was making a call and Fluff and Lola were working on the final touches for the reception, Friedrick was desperately searching for the proper gift for Lovely Lola and Oscar Olvidadizo. The mall was a confusing place to be, even when not confronted by people who looked suspiciously like Sigmund Freud, Billy the Kid and Socrates, but when he came across what appeared to be a rather violent Genghis Khan, Friedrick nearly broke down and cried, “Why do the cockroaches always scurry under bright light?” he wailed.

As he curled up under a necktie stand and began to weep, he heard a familiar voice that immediately made him imagine he was Han Solo.

“Yoo hoo! You under the tie stand! Don’t you recognize me?”

Friedrick opened his tightly closed eyes and looked up, and who should be standing above him but the ever-lovely Carrie Fisher! Friedrick believed she looked like an angel sent to rescue him, but some would just say that was because Carrie Fisher was backlit and appeared to glow. But those people would be kill-joys who deserve to be stomped on, so we will ignore them for now. Ahem. What was I saying? Oh yes, that Carrie Fisher had arrived, appearing quite angelic.

Friedrick reached a paw up to Carrie’s outstretched hand, and she took it to pull him up from his despair and out from under the table. She grimaced only slightly at the sticky Bit O’ Honey on his paw, and otherwise smiled at him, just like she smiled at those little Ewoks in that one movie. “Now,” she said, “what’s the matter?”

Friedrick gulped and began to tell the tale of the wedding, the dress, the Wayne, and the shopping. Carrie slightly frowned, then said, “There’s a wedding, and I wasn’t invited?” Her chin quivered a bit, then tears filled her lovely brown eyes, and finally, one large tear dropped from her brimming eye and rolled down her cheek, splashing on the top of Friedrick’s head. Friedrick felt as though he were in quite a pickle. Not literally, however, because if he were in a literal pickle, he would just eat his way out; he loved pickles. But he was in, shall we say, a dilemma. He wanted to find a gift for Lola, and he wanted Carrie to not cry on his head—her tears were rather large and soaked his fur easily—but he felt he could not simply invite Carrie to the Wedding. So he did it anyway.

“Listen Carrie,” he said soothingly, “I am sure your invitation was lost in the mail. I’ll give you a new invitation if you help me pick a gift.” Carrie beamed at this, wiped the tears from her eyes, and then proclaimed, “I thought you’d never ask!” and whisked Friedrick off on the shopping spree of his life. By the end of the evening, a lovely gift had been chosen and wrapped (a crystal vase in the shape of a toilet), and Friedrick had given Carrie his own invitation, knowing that he could share Fluff’s invitation. The Wedding was only three days away…

***

Those three days passed with a speed rivaled only by gazelles on the plains of Africa, if time ran around on four legs, or if gazelles resembled the fourth dimension. Regardless, the day appeared when Lovely Lola was to marry Oscar Olvidadizo and become Lovely Lola Olvidadizo, and she had butterflies in her stomach (not literally, because that would be gross. But it felt as though her stomach were filled with small fluttering wings; it seemed remarkably like she had to throw up. It was a curious sensation).

The chapel was decorated in a most lovely fashion, with small silver fire hydrants along the aisle, and the bridesmaid dresses were a lovely fire engine red, and the reception site would have large lit torches, and all of the food service people would be wearing fire fighter outfits, complete with suspenders, galoshes, and red hats. Lola was ever so excited, and she was more than ready for marriage. She was so distracted, however, that she did not notice that one of the ushers at the church looked suspiciously familiar…

At the church, things were in an uproar. The media were banned from the ceremony, but reporters flocked around the church and peppered each guest and participant with silly questions. “When is Lola going to star in a television show?” one would ask, and then another would shout out, “Is Lola prepared for marriage to someone who doesn’t know how to tap-dance?” And then another would call out, “Is Chewbacca here yet?” Oh, wait, that isn’t a question from a reporter, but from Fluff, peeking out the church door to see if he had arrived (even though it was Lola’s wedding, Fluff had sent Chewbacca an invitation, hoping that in the atmosphere of a wedding, he would come to his senses and fall madly in love with her. It was a good try, but Chewbacca’s agent had been very choosy about they places Chewy went, and the agent had decided that Lola’s wedding was not to be one of those selective events. Ahem. But this is a story about Lola, not Fluff’s proclivities towards hirsute gentlemen with limited vocabularies. Back to the wedding).

All of the guests were there (including Carrie Fisher, dressed in a lovely yellow dress), all of the members of the wedding party were there, and the officiate—a last minute inclusion at Wodin’s insistence—waited at the front of the chapel wearing a lovely suit and bushy eyebrows. Music began to play as the attendants began to walk down the aisle—First Claudette, then Wodin, then Fluff, and finally, Lola, escorted by her father. Her mother burst into tears at this sight.

Lola stood at the front of the chapel next to Oscar, and beamed at him. The officiate opened his mouth to speak, but before he could get a single word out, the suspicious-looking, hulking usher suddenly jumped forth and began to cackle evilly.
“You thought I wouldn’t find you? Well, I am Wayne Newton! I can find anyone, Danke Shon! You like firemen so much? Well let’s see if they will come to rescue you from a burning chapel!” With that, Wayne struck a match, and then continued to laugh with a crazy glint in his eye and stare at the flame.

Lola was frightened. Oscar stepped in front of her protectively. At that moment, a door to the small bathroom at the side of the chapel opened; there was a whooshing noise, and then up popped Friedrick! He was much learned in the ways of the force, and he wielded his light saber with ease and deftness. When Darth Vader ran towards him, he… Oops. Sorry. Where was this going? Ah, right here: Up popped Friedrick, and he tumbled through the air, landing on the pulpit at the front of the chapel. He and Fluff locked eyes, and Wayne began to twitch. Oscar looked at Lola and whispered, “El casarse es muy difícil cuando los animales salen del inodoro.” Lola looked up at him lovingly; his wisdom (translated here as “Getting married is difficult when animals come out of the toilet.”) made her even more certain that he was the man for her. Just then, Wodin jumped up from where she was sitting with the other attendants and shouted, “Steve, it’s time to call in that favor!”

The officiate ripped off his two bushy eyebrows and his lovely suit, revealing khaki shorts and shirt, and shouted, “Crikey! Ah’m gonna git this one good!” It was Steve Irwin! Fluff had once saved him from the jaws of a possessed cayman, and he was here to repay the debt. He grabbed a length of rope, and then jumped upon the fiendish Wayne Newton and extinguished the match with a single puff, and the continued to truss Wayne up like the slimy lizard he was. When all was said and done, Fluff, Friedrick, Wodin and Steve set the bound and gagged evildoer in the toilet. Wayne’s eyes grew wild, and he began to shake his head and grunt. No one was sure what he was saying, but before anyone could ask him what was being said, Fluff jumped on the handle of the toilet, and flushed Wayne back to wherever he came from. Everyone clapped! It was the best wedding they’d ever been to!

Steve took his place at the head to the chapel once again and began the ceremony, “Friends, family, and teddy bears: Marriage. Marriage is what brings us together today. Marriage. That blessed arrangement, that dream within a dream…” And with that, Lola and Oscar were married, and the villagers rejoiced in the land! And all were happy.

The reception was lovely, and no one had a better time shaking her groove thing than Ms. Fisher, who danced twice with Friedrick, and once with Lovely Dad. By the end of the evening, Fluff went up to the happy couple (Lola and Oscar, not Carrie Fisher and Lovely Dad) and said in carefully rehearsed Spanish, “Este pudín no sabe a guayaba,” Which roughly translated means “This pudding doesn’t taste like guava.” Lola burst into tears (with joy), and Oscar smiled at Fluff and shook her paw. Lola and Oscar went off on their honeymoon, and the rest of the guests went home, happy that they had participated in the lovely nuptials.

While Fluff was watching the news that evening, however, a strange item appeared: “This just in: Wayne Newton, released from a residential treatment facility just three days ago, has appeared suddenly three thousand miles away in New Jersey in a public restroom not far from Atlantic City. His condition is unclear at the moment, but witnesses claim that he looked extremely disheveled and was attempting to burn down the restroom with wet matches that wouldn’t hold a flame. We will report more as this strange story unfolds.”

Fluff snapped off the television, looked to Friedrick, smiled, and said, “You know how seeing such displays makes me want to eat guava flavored pudding. I think we might have some.”

Friedrick bared his teeth, nodded, then said, “Let us not become grasshoppers on the wall. Let us become butterflies of ice cream, floating away from the sun.” And that was that.

Thank you one and all, once again, for participating in this story of loveliness. Await our next tale of derring-do and danger when Friedrick and Fluff visit Germany for Sports and Love. This story has been brought to you by the letters W and N, and Jell-O™ Pudding snacks new Guava flavor. Remember not to be a slug on the bench, but to be a firefly on a branch.

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