Wodin the Wise--or Wisdomless?

Wodin the Wise waited in the dentist’s office, awaiting the dentist. Alas, she waited for her dentist many hours, it seemed. When finally asked to sit in the dentist chair, her dentist (whose name, coincidentally and truthfully, is Kaz) frowned, and looked closely at her teeth. He examined her back teeth most carefully, asking Wodin to open wide. He continued to examine, making such informative noises as “Hmm,” and “Well, well,” and “What have we here?” Wodin was growing ever so uncomfortable with her mouth wide open, and she was growing more nervous at every dental utterance. Finally, her dentist removed his hands and all of the shiny dental instruments from her mouth with one final, “Hmph.”

Wodin was momentarily distracted by the tiny mirror on one of the instruments, but then quickly focused, asking (directly, for once), “Doc, what’s wrong with me? Will I ever play the nose flute again?” The dentist looked at her strangely and opened his mouth to speak when she interrupted him again: “I know it’s a cavity! A giant cavity dwelling in my molars, spreading across my mouth, and I will need to have them all drilled and filled!” The dentist opened his mouth again, but she continued. “My entire mouth will consist of silver fillings! I won’t ever be able to walk through a metal detector unaccosted again! O, woe is me! Woe that I am one calamitous cavity!” And Wodin broke down sobbing, sniffling occasionally and wiping her eyes with the little blue bib dentists put on their patients.

Finally, her dentist saw his chance: “Relax!” he said. “You just need to have your wisdom teeth removed!” Wodin ceased her bawling and looked at the dentist with fire in her eyes.

“What… did… you… say?” she said, eyes narrowed, in a slowly measured voice.
“It’s a simple procedure, really, I can do it right here…” but he had missed the point.

Wodin jumped up from her chair and grabbed the dentist by the collar, and spat, “Take my wisdom teeth out? How dare you suggest such a thing!” Wodin’s dentist was obviously confused, for he looked at her with puzzlement, and slowly moved the sharp objects as far away as possible while being held by the collar. Seeing he did not comprehend the seriousness of his suggestion, Wodin rolled her eyes and explained, “I am Wodin the Wise. How can I be wise if I lack wisdom teeth?”

The dentist laughed nervously. “Um, Miss Wise? Could you please release me? I can’t really breathe.”

Wodin blushed, released her dentist, then sat back in her chair. “I am so very sorry. Please, forgive me.”

He adjusted his collar, cleared his throat, then said, “Ahem, yes, all is forgiven. But I am recommending large quantities of nitrous oxide for you when we perform the procedure.” Wodin nodded happily, not knowing what it all entailed. The prospect of funny drugs had distracted her from the very pressing problem: her wisdom teeth were to be pulled in no less than two weeks!

Alas, she arrived at the dentist’s office two weeks later, extremely nervous, and suddenly remembering that this even meant the end of her wisdom. No longer would she be able to give out such pearls of wisdom such as, “Remember, when your coffee tastes like antifreeze, it is because your dog has had puppies.” Or “Let us rejoice in the fountain of chocolate pudding and play with the frolicking Wombats.” No, Wodin realized all of her wisdom would be extracted with the teeth, but they were hurting her so very badly she was ready to let a ferret with a pickaxe extract them (and we all know what ferrets with pickaxes are like, don’t we? Let us never speak of the incident with the IRS man again. He still isn’t out of traction. But, ahem. It is time to move out of this parenthetical remark). So Wodin, sensing the need for reinforcement, employed Friedrick and Fluff to coach her through the painful experience.

Fluff had useful advice: “When they give you medicine, take it. All of it.” Wodin nodded nervously. Friedrick said, “Remember that a dentist is better than the ferret.” Wodin nodded nervously as they waited in the waiting room, where they waited waitingly. Anticipatorily, she anticipated the drugs that would soothe the throbbing in her throbbing jaw, which throbbed with great throbs. (“Hey,” stamped Fluff impatiently, “will you use a thesaurus, or what? Jeez.”) So Wodin remained in the waiting room whilst her jowls pulsated interminably, and she commenced perspiring. (So? How’s that? “Fine,” said Fluff.) Wodin began to cry, softly at first, but then it grew into a wail, and other patients first began to stare, then to look away as if avoiding her, then they began to slowly edge away from her.
Fluff attempted to comfort her, “If you should like, I crrrush this dentist, this Kaz!”

Friedrick piped up with his own helpful, yet decidedly mob-like, comments: “Yes, you want we should tap-dance upon his head? You like if we fit him with cement shoes, to sleep with the fishies? I know a little dock where no one ever goes…”
Wodin blew her nose, and shook her head. “No, I should like you to stay with me, though.” The teddy bears (tenacious, both of them!) acquiesced, and sat next to Wodin quietly as they all waited.

A hygienist entered the room. “Wise, Wodin?” Wodin rose grimly, and held the teddy bears in her arms. “Um,” the hygienist said fretfully, “we can’t allow pets back here.”

“Oh, it’s fine,” Wodin assured her. “They are my teddy bears. They promise not to tap-dance on anyone’s head.” The hygienist wrinkled her brow perplexedly, but shrugged as she led Wodin back to the dentist chair. “Doctor,” the hygienist whispered, “I think Miss Wise has had enough medication already. You might want to go a little light on her with the nitrous at first.”

As though to try and convince the doctor otherwise, Wodin unleashed her final nugget of wisdom: “If there is peace in the middle school, then there is gravy on the back fence.” The dentist nodded at the hygienist, and brought out his blaster, set it to stun, just as Princess Leia was preparing to enter the escape pod, and then… Whoops! Forgot about the story there. Let’s try again: The dentist nodded at the hygienist, and brought out a hypodermic needle filled with Novocain, and numbed the Princess, I mean, Wodin, just as she was preparing to bolt. He also happened to turn on the nitrous oxide at that moment, just in case. Wodin felt all loopy, and began to smile.

“Wodin? How are you feeling?”

“Fiiiiiiiiine…” sighed Wodin. “Did you know that Dostoevsky wrote Crime and Punishment as well as The Brothers Karamazov?”

The dentist nodded. She was plenty doped. “Open wide, now, Wodin. Let’s get these bad boys out of there…”

And so it was accomplished that Wodin should be extracted—well, her teeth, anyway. She brought forth four teeth, and they were wrapped in cotton and placed in a jar, because there was no room in her mouth.

Ahem. What I mean is that the dentist took out the teeth which caused her mouth to ache, and she felt better. Well, better, that is, until her nitrous and Novocain wore off. And then it hurt like a rock to the head, but only like a rock would hurt if it caused four teeth with extremely deep roots to pop out of her mouth. Yea, verily, it did become painful, and the pain did wax strong in her mouth, and of eating there was little but pudding. And of pain relief there was Vicodin.
Ahem. I mean that she popped pills like a starving man finding M&M’s in the crevices of his couch. (“And why might a man who owns a couch be starving?” you ask. “Why has he not sold his couch to buy pizza, the sustenance we all crave?” That, my friend, has yet to be determined. But he is starving, and the M&Ms afforded little comfort, but he did eat them anyway. Quit asking questions.) So the pills were popped, the pudding was eaten, and Wodin was depressed, yes, quite sad that she was no longer Wodin the Wise, but, alas, Wodin the Wisdomless. (Shut up, spellchecker! Did I ask your opinion of that word? No, I did not. Therefore, be banished into the depths of fiery greatness! Thank you.)

Wodin was quite upset about it all, but her wonderful mother, Mommy Wise (who has her wisdom teeth, by the way) and her sister Jeanette cared for her. Jeanette did not even force her to scrub toilets, but spoon-fed her pudding and Jell-O ™.

But Wodin was still upset about having lost her wisdom. “Even Jeanette the Jumpy has wisdom teeth! Can it be that even she, Queen of the Latrine, is wiser than I, the Wise? O that it were not true!” She broke down sobbing. Friedrick and Fluff were beside themselves (not literally; literally, they were beside one another. But you get the idea).

“What should we do?” whispered Fluff.

Friedrick shrugged. “Buy her a book of quotations?”

Fluff smacked him, but he rather enjoyed it because she had honey on her paw that was transferred to his cheek, and he licked it off.

Wodin, witnessing this exchange, moaned, “Be careful of bears who lick honey from their cheeks, for they may be plotting to take over the world.”

Friedrick, Fluff, and Jeanette all stopped and stared (Mommy Wise would have, but she was at the store, purchasing pudding, by far the most important job on the planet).

“Wodin! Did you hear yourself?” Jeanette squealed like a schoolgirl.

“You are still wise!” Fluff breathed.

Wodin sat up from her supine position on the couch. “I did! I am!” she said. Then she turned to Friedrick and said, “Licking honey can be a habit difficult for bears to break, particularly if they have already slept on fluffy pillows.”

They all cheered. Mommy Wise entered at that moment and cheered because they all were, not because she knew what was going on. Of course, her cheering became genuine once she did know. And that is the story of how Wodin remained Wise.

This story is brought to you by the letter “N,” the number 23, and Jell-O ™. Don’t forget to peddle pudding in a perambulator!