Flush Away: 2004 Athens Olympics

Well, folks. Time once again for the great Friedrick and Fluff to return from their long silence. Enjoy this tale of heroism, pudding, and stupid commentators.

Once again it is an election year, as well as a Summer Olympic year, and where should we find ourselves, but at the sides of our lovely friends, Friedrick and Fluff! And who should be by their sides, but Lovely Lola and Wodin the Wise! And who should be by their sides but Stan Q. Fitzhubert, and Claudette the Crazy, and they were flanked by some strangers in black trench coats, because of security. (After all, Friedrick and Fluff were presidential candidates, and under the protection of the Secret Service. But you didn’t hear it from me. Sshhh! It’s a secret! Very hush-hush!) Friedrick and Fluff were accompanied by so many people because of their need for many trainers and coaches for the summer Olympics, and so they all got to join in the festivities. Lola was there as their campaign manager and liaison to the press, Wodin was there to train with Friedrick for his Toilet Flushing competition, Claudette was there to ensure that Fluff would be properly stretched for her turn on the balance beam, and Stan was there to make sure that Friedrick and Fluff were properly coiffed and choreographed for their synchronized diving competition, which was to be held the very first day after arriving at the Olympics.

The Olympics were in Athens, and the bears had never been there on any of their strange adventures, so this was an altogether new location. Some players, however, were the same as on the previous stage: the great Toilet Flushing Champion Rodion Romanovich was back to challenge Friedrick and take back the gold medal. Romanovich had clearly been pumping iron, and Friedrick gulped when he first saw his old nemesis at the opening ceremonies, hosted by the intolerable Rob Costless and Karly Colic. Upon witnessing the strained grin between the two competitors, Rob remarked to Karly, “I think we’re in for a doozy when it comes to the competition between those two!” Karly nodded and grinned and added, “But just look at their outfits! Just darling!” She would have continued, but the Bermudans were next, and Karly was distracted by the shorts with knee-length socks.


DAY 1: Synchronized Diving
Fluff and Friedrick paced around the locker room, shaking out their limbs and going through the motions of their dives. Stan was there, reminding them to “bend at the waist into the pike position, and then pull out and do the splits, and then make sure you guys are vertical for your entry! Sheesh!” She also pulled a hair pick out of her purse and attempted to fluff Fluff’s fluff one last time before the competition, but Fluff was moving too rapidly for the excitable hairdresser to catch her and fluff her fluff. And before they knew it, the Canadians had just dived (two 9.5’s, one 8, and one 9), and they were next. The bears’ move was very difficult, one that no one had ever seen before. In fact, few people had ever witnessed a diving teddy bear before, much less two of them diving in synch. Anyhow, their move was to finally tell Luke that he was his father, and then try to convince him to join his father in the Dark Side and then they… Whoops. Actually, their move was a three and a half twist Gorvachian with a double somersault with a cherry on top. Well, all of that except the cherry. Strike the cherry.

Those two tenacious teddy bears ascended the stairs to the platform and took their position.

“It appears that those two tenacious teddies are back, Rob, trying to work some magic in the synchronized diving competition” said Karly.

“Hush,” said Rob. “We’re tired of you.” Oh, stop. He did not (I just wish he did). He really said, “Apparently, it is time to see if these bears can pull a little more out of the hat than just a bunch of air. We are really hoping for the white rabbit here,” he said.

Karly laughed and added, “And the gold medal from behind the ear, right Rob?”

They chortled together and Friedrick and Fluff counted off: “One, Two, Three.” They leapt from the platform, twisted counterclockwise three times, somersaulted twice, and then dove into the water straight as a pin! The crowd roared! The Canadians looked furious, and the Russians looked mildly bored (Marina Kahzachurian knew this was a dive she could complete in her sleep. As a four-year-old.)

Rob was speechless, until Karly sniped, “Definitely no gold medal from thin air, here. It seemed impressive, but they made some huge errors here, and just let me tell you about them….” She listed off several, but missing the largest of them all: Friedrick had not been in synch with Fluff; he had done the entire dive backwards, even starting out in a handstand instead of on his feet. The judges quickly noticed this, and granted them one 4.5 (from the Malaysian judge, who looked a bit like a bear, actually, so you never know if he was on the up and up…), and the rest 1.5’s. The Canadians were relieved, and the Russians were still bored. This was because they had yet to perform their dive. When the Russians did, it was a quadruple twisting back flip with a 3.5 somersault. It blew the Canadians out of the water (so to speak) and destroyed that ridiculously smug look they had. Fluff and Friedrick did not win, but Fluff leaned over and said, “Better a satisfied Russian than a gloating Canadian. It would ruin their complex.” Friedrick ceased his tears long enough to hiccup and nod. Then it was back to the crying again. Oy.


DAY 2: Training
Fluff and Friedrick took time to prepare for the events in the upcoming days and enjoy Greek culture. (Kimono… Kimono… Comes from the Greek word for Robe… Robe, Kimono, there you go.) As they roamed the Plaka in downtown Athens, Friedrick wandered a bit away from the rest of the group to look at the gyros in a deli window, when suddenly, he looked up, and on the other side of the window was Romanovich. The Russian competitor sneered and made crushing motions with his fist into the palm of his other hand. Friedrick froze, only a tiny, “Eeep!” escaping his lips. Then Rodion licked his lips and bit down into the very gyro that Friedrick had been ogling. Yikes! Friedrick was no longer very hungry, and he hurriedly caught up with the gang and the Secret Service agents, who were obviously very bad at their jobs.


DAY 3: Gymnastics
This was going to be tough for Fluff, and she knew it. Claudette had worked with her ceaselessly on her moves: cartwheels, somersaults, back flips, and her secret move, the Galloping Clodhopper. It was her very own move, one she hoped would vault her into first place (so to speak), ahead of that lemon-faced Russian gymnast. Claudette gave her some last minute advice: “If she comes after you, just pop her once, really good, in the mouth and then watch out. She has a nasty uppercut.” Fluff nodded, Claudette backed away, and Fluff prepared to mount the beam.

“So what do you think are Fluff’s chances at a medal here, Karly?” Rob asked.

“Well,” Karly mused, “It all depends on whether or not she has any Chez Whiz on her paws this time. Let’s take a look at what happened in Sydney.” Film clips of Fluff’s slip from the balance beam four years ago played in slow-motion three separate times in three different angles, the last clearly zooming in and showing the last bit of Chez Whiz on her paw, causing a slow-motion slip.

“Ouch, Karly, looks like that hurt!”

“You better believe it, Rob!”

Fluff performed without equal on the beam. Other gymnasts looked on in awe as she did her moves, and gasped when she unleashed her Galloping Clodhopper, a move where she High Stepped and Clodhopped across the beam before dismounting by soaring into the air before landing perfectly on one paw.

It was amazing. It was fabulous. It was illegal.

Disqualified, Fluff limped from the mat into Claudette’s consoling arms.

“Ah-ah-ah-I wanna wiiiiin!” she bawled.

“There, there,” soothed Claudette. “We need to be ready in case Sour Puss comes over. Remember: Watch the uppercut.” Fluff sniffed and wiped her eyes and struck a karate pose. When the mean Russian gymnast walked over to sneer and laugh, Fluff decided against the punch, and instead, she took out her blaster, set it to stun, and got the Princess just before jettisoning off in her escape pod… Whoa! I meant, instead of punching the Russian meanie, Fluff instead began to sing “Tiptoe Through the Tulips” and tap-danced on her forehead. Then she quickly ran away before the judges could decide if that was part of her routine and if they could raise Fluff’s scores for rendering the Russian Gymnast unconscious.


DAY 4: Training
Friedrick went to the Toilet Training Complex where he was to take advantage of the training time given to each athlete. He had just warmed up and was just tying his shoes when he heard a familiar laugh. “Heh heh heh.” the beefy Romanovich chortled. “You are goingk down, bearski!” Friedrick quaked but simply responded, “Eat chocolate cake with mustard custard and you have ruined your appetite.” Romanovich scratched his head and wondered if he had heard wrong or if he needed to brush up on his English. He shrugged and said, “Watch it, bearski!” and turned away to finish his training. Friedrick shuddered and went on to work a few kinks out of his routine. Those pesky Secret Service gentlemen were nowhere to be seen. Hmph.


DAY 5: Toilet Travel Competition, Time Trials
The time trials did not concern Friedrick. He knew he had to beat his personal best of 65 flushes in a minute in order to beat Romanovich at this portion of the competition, but he also knew that Romanovich had pulled a muscle in his index finger in training the week before, and so the advantage was clearly Friedrick’s. There were twelve competitors in the Time Trials: Two Russians, one from Ghana, one from Australia (he picked it up after seeing Friedrick and Romanovich compete in the Sydney Olympics), two from Spain, one from Moldova, one from Paraguay, three from China, and Friedrick.

“On your marks…”

The competitors leapt onto the rim of their toilets.

“Get Set…”

They bent at the knees and put their hands (er, and paw) on the handle.

BANG!

The competitors set about to flush, jumping in, flushing, swirling, going down, then popping up in the next toilet only to start again, flushing as many times as possible in a single minute. Friedrick was just getting his rhythm when out of the corner of his eye he saw Romanovich gaining. Faster and faster, Friedrick flushed. Finally, without seeing, Friedrick popped out of his 65th toilet to the sound of the buzzer going off. He blinked and looked: He and Romanovich had tied at 65 flushes apiece, one of the Chinese competitors had made an illegal twist during the trial, and the Ghanan had come in third. The others ranged from 50 to 60 flushes in one minute. Friedrick sighed—one portion down, two to go. Just as he was leaving the toilet, Romanovich caught his eye: “Bad news, bear: I vill vin!” He then punched the palm of his hand and made a crushing motion. It made Friedrick want to cry like Wayne Newton.


DAY 6: Toilet Travel Competition, Obstacle Course
This obstacle course was very complicated, and all of Friedrick’s supporters waited tensely in the stands. Lola bit her nails, Wodin chewed on her hair, Claudette paced, and Stan muttered to herself. To win the Obstacle Course portion, the competitors had to flush through twelve toilets, grabbing flags from the handle of each toilet the flushed. To miss a flag was a two-point penalty. To miss a toilet meant disqualification. To appear in a competitor’s toilet would also be cause for disqualification. One other thing that made this race particularly difficult is that there were no straight pipes between the toilets as there had been for the Time Trials. The meant that those twelve toilets could take much longer for inexperienced Toilet Travelers. However, we must remember who invented the Toilet Travel Method and was the first to pioneer its use as a widespread method of travel. (Say it with me: Friedrick.) (In fact, it was the Official Travel Method of the Athens Olympics. It was starting to catch on after all of those signs in the public restrooms: Don’t make Travel Tough! Make it a Travel Flush! The poster featured Friedrick holding a Royal Flush in his paws as he stood at the edge of a toilet. It was all very clever (according to Lola, who designed the signs), but all very stupid to most of the Greeks. After all, why go by toilet when you could run the Marathon? Anyhow, back to the Race.)

The competitors and Spectators were joined by indefatigable Karly Colic and Rob Costless, ready to call the competition. Of the twelve lanes available, only one was empty, lane three where the disqualified Chinese athlete should have been.

“Well, Karly, Friedrick made a good showing at yesterday’s competition, obviously the favorite in the Toilet Travel Competition, but his longtime rival, Rodion Romanovich, tied him for first. Who will win today?”

“In Sydney,” piped up Karly, “Friedrick won this portion of the event easily, simply by collecting all of his flags.”

In a slow-motion clip, they showed Friedrick grabbing a flag just as Romanovich missed one, and then a second.

“Yes, Karly, Rodion’s downfall in Sydney was his inability to collect the flags. We shall see if we have a repeat or something new.”

“I hear Rodion has been training extra hard. I mean, just look at those muscles! Rrrrrow!” Rodion looked over at Karly, winked, and then made the “call me” hand motion. Karly giggled like an anchor who had just been hit on by an athlete.

“On your mark… Get set… Go!”

The athletes jumped in and Friedrick began to navigate the toilets. One flag, two, then three, then… he missed one! Without hesitation, Friedrick backtracked to retrieve the fourth flag, hoping he was ahead enough to still win. He flushed and flushed. He swirled and swirled. The world spun crazily and he suddenly popped out of the last toilet, neck in neck with Romanovich and the Paraguayan fellow.

“This looks like it is going to be a photo finish, Karly! It appears that Romanovich may have edged out Friedrick in this round, but we will have to wait for the flag count and the photo finish.”

“Well, Rob, it may be the flag count that saves Friedrick. He took a big risk to go back and get that flag he missed, and if it turns out that either Romanovich or Gutierrez missed or illegally grabbed any flags, it may save him.”

Just then, the photo finish came out, and Friedrick was behind Romanovich but in front of Gutierrez.

“I don’t believe it, Karly, but apparently, Romanovich missed one of his flags! That will put him in third place going into tomorrow’s competition. Well, folks at home, it appears that the standings for one, two, three are the U.S., Paraguay, and Russia. We shall see what tomorrow’s competition in the Toilet Travel Specified Location competition.”


DAY 7: Toilet Travel Competition, Specified Location
Friedrick awoke early to prepare himself and ordered room service in his hotel room. When it arrived, he took the platter and the silver cover into his room. Lifting the silver cover, he saw there was his butterscotch pudding, just as he had asked, as well as a small folded up piece of paper. He unfolded it, and this is what it said:

Bear, I will win. You will become Russian Bear meat! I will eat you with a pickle on the side, and some horseradish. Mwahahahaha!

Friedrick shivered, and ate his pudding, which (was he dreaming?) appeared to have a slight horseradish aftertaste. (Question: Why are the Secret Service agents always AWOL? Discuss.)

Fluff, on the other hand, was not so anxious about his performance because she was daydreaming about Chewbacca (“The handsomest Wookie there is!” according to Fluff). She only wished Chewy would return her phone calls, e-mails, pages, and text messages. That, and that he would rescind the restraining order against her. But alas, we can’t always have what we want, can we?

Later that day…

“Welcome to the toilet Flushing Arena, here in central Athens! Today we will see if Romanovich can make a comeback, if Friedrick can hang on to his lead, and if everyone has forgotten about Paraguayan whatshisname.”

“Indeed, Rob. We shall see if any of those events will happen. But first, I shall explain the scoring in this round: Each competitor draws a random location, must flush to that location, grab the flag that is there, bring it back, and hope they were able to find the fastest route to do so. Each flag is a different color for each location, so if they go to the wrong location and bring back the wrong flag, they will be disqualified.”

As the commentators continued to banter banally, the competitors took their positions. Fluff and the rest of the gang watched, all too nervous to breathe. In fact, Lola turned purple before Wodin reminded her to breathe. Stan stood, hiding her face in her hands, peeking through the fingers, and Claudette sat still, just rather pale. Fluff couldn’t keep her eyes off the tall handsome wookie in the third row (he bore an uncanny resemblance to Chewbacca).

The drawing was to begin, in order of last to first. Finally, at Friedrick’s turn, he closed his eyes, clenched his teeth, reached in, and pulled out a piece of paper that said, “Two tomatoes, 1 gal. of milk, 1 lb. of chicken.”

“Oops,” said the red-faced official. “That’s my shopping list. Here’s the real destination: The private toilet of Niko Paraskevas in south Athens.”

Friedrick gulped, then took his position. As he readied himself, he tried to ignore Romanovich, whose grin glinted evilly. He tried to ignore the whisper that came to him, “You will be delicious, bearski! I enjoy horseradish a great deal…”

Shaking it off, Friedrick took his mark, got set, and BANG! They were off.

“Karly, this may be the magic moment for Friedrick, if only he can find Niko Paraskevas’ house and get out in time.”

“You’re forgetting, Bob, that here we have a competitor who actually wrote the book on Toilet Travel. I have it right here: Siberia and Back: the Home Companion for Toilet Travelers.”

Lola took Wodin’s advice and began breathing. In fact, she began to hyperventilate. Wodin still chewed her hair, wishing that it tasted less like shampoo and more like butterscotch pudding. Claudette had begun to turn from pale to green, appearing as though she might vomit before the race was through. Stan still peered through her fingers, and Fluff was trying to work up the courage to ask that handsome wookie for his number.

Friedrick, in the meantime, flushed himself through the plumbing system of Athens, attempting to reach his destination. He first came to the junction at the hotel plumbing and took a left, then a right after the gymnastics venue, then another left after the Acropolis, and finally straight ahead at the swimming complex.

“Karly, that move at the swimming complex was a smart one, because the volume of water there is greater than in any other spot in Athens. It could really catapult him to the Gold medal in this event!”

“Indeed, Bob.”

Finally, Friedrick popped up in Niko Paraskevas’ bathroom, grabbed the flag, and flushed himself away, once again routing himself through the Swimming Complex’s plumbing to give him that extra boost. He was flushing and feeling fine! Nothing could stop him now! He was on top of the world! He was a champio— He popped out of the toilet to see that Eduardo Gutierrez had beat him.

“Well, Karly, it appears that Whatshisname has won, leaving Friedrick with the Silver on this occasion.”

“Indeed, Bob.”

Rodion Romanovich came in fourth, after the Ghanan competitor made it back in record time. Friedrick stood there, shocked. Absolutely shocked! He was supposed to win. But then he shuddered; at least Rodion Romanovich couldn’t eat him with horseradish sauce, now.

Friedrick was shortly surrounded by his supporters. Wodin hugged him and said, “Remember, pudding is best without a side of hotdogs.” Claudette smiled wanly and patted him on the back. Stan muttered about how they could break Gutierrez’s legs and see how he dealt with that. Lola gave him a high five and said, “Next time. Now we need to concentrate on the election. I believe this is YOUR year!” Fluff was nowhere in sight. Oh, yes she was. She was right over there. By the door. Shaking hands and exchanging phone numbers with a rather large, hirsute gentleman, who looked remarkably like Chewbacca. When she finally returned, Friedrick gave her a stern glance. Blushing, she whispered, “I am sorry, but have you ever seen such a creature?” Friedrick continued to glare, until Fluff whispered, “But there is still tap-dancing left to do.” Friedrick’s eyes brightened, and he nodded.

That evening, as they watched the news in bed, the newscaster said, “In other news from Athens, both Rob Costless and Karly Colic were missing from the pole vault commentating this evening. Inquiries as to their absence led police to the local hospital, where, despite no witnesses and what appeared to be tiny footprints on their foreheads, Costless and Colic claim to have been in a suspicious motorcycle accident. We will have more for you as this unfolds. Jim, back to you.” Fluff turned off the television, and turned to Friedrick, saying in a sweet voice, “I believe that this means it is time for lemon meringue pie with pickled beets on the side.”

Friedrick responded with, “Indeed, Fluff.”

And that was that.

Brought to you today by the Friedrick and Fluff in Four campaign, Betelmann’s Horseradish Sauce, and the International Olympic Committee on Drug Testing and Arbitrary Scoring.