A Very Lola Engagement

Lovely Lola had ceased to be Hermana Lovely, and had returned to be Lola again, and had begun practicing her Spanish with anyone who would respond. She often frustrated her sister Claudette the Crazy by speaking in Spanish—in her sleep. It kept Claudette awake at night, listening over and over to things like, “El pollo es gordo…” and other such ramblings. Claudette would throw pillows at Lola, but Lola was a deep sleeper.

Lola’s Gordon the Goob was now Elder Goob, and was very busy with other things, and was unavailable to speak Spanish to her. This made her very sad, but alas, we cannot always have what we want, can we? Especially when we dream of having a tall handsome Wookie feed us peeled grapes. Ahem. That happens to be what Fluff wants, but back to the story.

Lola went to events where Spanish was spoken, and she found herself having quite the grand time. She mixed. She mingled. And, occasionally, she mangled. Her Spanish, that is. She wasn’t perfect, but she always learned something new.

One day close to Christmas, as she was enjoying her time at a Mexican luncheon, she noticed a tall dark handsome stranger at a nearby table. “Hot Cha!” Lola thought. “Maybe I can meet him…” She began to wish very hard that she might meet Mystery Man. She closed her eyes and began muttering unintelligibly in a mixture of Spanish and English.

Just as she was muttering, “Where is the camel?”, lo and behold, who should arrive on the scene but Merv, the Fairy God-Cabbie!

“Aw, jeez…” Merv groaned as he noticed he was wearing a large colorful sombrero and holding a pair of maracas. He was still wearing his tutu. Then he looked down at Lola. “You again? Why is it always you?”

Lola looked around, but no one seemed to notice that Merv had appeared from nowhere. She whispered, “Hola. I need your help. I want to meet him. Muy guapo!”

Merv stared at Lola a moment, then rolled his eyes, muttering, “Oy vey.” Then he held her face in his ands, pinching her cheeks slightly as he did so, in order to have Lola looking him in the eyes instead of drooling over the Mystery Man. “Listen, Lila, Lulu, or whateveh yeh name is: If you wink twice with your left eye, you will be able to meet him.” And then Merv was gone in a puff of smoke that smelled suspiciously like Cuban cigars and cumin.

Lola concentrated; winking was a difficult task, and she did not want to do it incorrectly. Slowly, she winked once, then a second time, and… Nothing happened. The Mystery Man did not notice, and he did not magically stand up, run to her, and whisper sweet nothings in her ear.

Lola was furious with Merv, the Fairie God-Cabbie. “He lied!” she seethed. Here eyes glowered and she felt her jaw clench in anger. “I will find that cabbie and get him, if it’s the last thing I do!” Lola was not happy.

As she seethed, however, she began to twist her hair, as she was wont to do when she was frustrated, angry, sleeping, eating, singing, or playing hopscotch. She continued her hair twisting, name calling, and obscenity muttering until, sad but true, she had twisted half of her hair into one large knot! As she noticed this, she realized that, finally, the Mystery Man had looked her way, and was now smiling curiously at her strange coiffure. Lola wanted to cry. She wanted to die. She wanted to crawl in a hole and sleep until the Mystery Man was gone and no longer laughing at her. She looked down in her lap, trying not to cry.

Behind her, in a soft voice, she heard a whisper: “Siempre me encuentro sin cepillo.” This was Spanish. Which only makes sense at a Mexican luncheon. But I do not speak Spanish. Luckily for me, you, and the people who believe Spanish is the name of an exotic dancer and not a language, Lola included a translation for us. What he said, really was “I always find myself without a brush.”

Lola swooned. He had noticed her predicament! He had noticed her hair, and he had offered to help! She felt quite lovely, indeed, bad hair notwithstanding. He proceeded to sit down next to her, and help her detangle her hair. They spoke, chatted, conversed and canoodled, during which time, Lola learned the Mystery Man’s name: Oscar Olvidadizo. (Lola at first refused to translate this name for me, but apparently it means Oscar the Grouch. What? I can’t hear you! Lalalalalalala! Okay, Lola has insisted that I tell the truth: “Oscar” is Spanish for “Oscar” and “Olvidadizo” is Spanish for “Forgetful.” So the truth is that his name means Forgetful Oscar. Time will tell if he is, indeed, forgetful.)

While she eventually translated the name for the benefit of the readership, she refused to give me a blow-by-blow account of their conversation. Seeing as that is the case, I shall have to construct dialogue for them myself. (See? This is what happens when you ignore perfectly reasonable requests, LOLA.)

He said: Your eyes are lovely.
She said: Yours are, too!
He said: Why, thank you! Would you like to marry me?
She said: Well, can I think about it? I just met you.
He said: Well, how about if I give you five minutes?
She said: Okay.

******

Five minutes later…
She said: Okay.
He said: “Okay” what?
She said: “Okay” I will marry you.
He said: Really?
She said: (smiles and nods)
He said: Congratulations!
She said: I must thank Merv.
He said: (quizzical look)

******

And so, just like that, Lovely Lola was engaged to Oscar Olvidadizo. Lovely Lola had found herself a Lovely Fiancée. She was swept off her feet when he whispered to her, “Siempre me encuentro sin cepillo.” And the world rejoiced. Or, at least, her friends and family did.

And Lola was happy. Until she realized this meant planning a Wedding. As New Year’s approached, Lola began to think of themes for her wedding. She looked back at her sister Claudette’s wedding, and remembered that Claudette had incorporated a Friedrick and Fluff Theme to her wedding. Lola frowned. She also remembered, all too well, how disastrously the Underwater Theme worked. She tried to remember Masked Mal’s wedding, and what theme that entailed. Looking back through her journals of the misty event, it appeared that Mal had developed a “Costumes by Merv” theme.

“Hmmm…” Lola mused. “No Friedrick and Fluff theme, and no “Costumes by Merv” theme; whatever shall I do?” And she began to wail miserably. She did not notice the fireworks outside celebrating the New Year, and that one had landed on the roof of her Lovely Home. She continued stewing about her dilemma, feeling as though her head were covered in a woolen sock, because not only was she having difficulty thinking, but now she was having difficulty seeing, and breathing. That was odd, she thought.

Just then, in a puff of smoke, Wodin burst into the room. “Quick!” she yelled at Lola. “The roof! The roof! The roof is on fire!” Ahem. Actually, she said, “”Lo! The fire has descended upon this dwelling! It is necessary that we run! But not faster than we have strength, of course!” So Wodin and Lola began running, snagging the sleeping Claudette as they did (Why was Claudette sleeping in the middle of the day? you may ask? Because Lola spoke in her sleep, preventing Claudette from getting her nighttime repose, that’s why! Didn’t I already explain that?).

As Lola, Wodin, and Claudette waited for the fire department, Lola had an epiphany. She saw a light above her (although some would claim it was simply flames from the fire, but that is just THEIR version of events), and in that light, she saw Friedrick and Fluff wearing firemen hats and wearing red suspenders. It was then that Lola knew: her wedding would be Firefighter Themed! And lo, some good came from this tragic tragedy. Besides, the firemen who arrived were exceedingly cute, and yea, Wodin and Claudette did flirt. Lola would have, but she was too busy planning her wedding.

And that was that.

Stay tuned for next week’s party in a box, when Wodin loses her mind, Lola tries on a thousand wedding dresses, Claudette finds the perfect pair of shoes, and Fluff tap dances upon Wayne Newton’s head yet again.