What's Good for the Goose

Fluff and Friedrick sat huddled in a dark corner of a dimly lit café. In an effort to disguise themselves, they wore disguises, thus disguising their most disguisable features. Yes, they wore disguises, in case you were wondering. Fluff wore dark sunglasses, much like a Hollywood starlet longing for attention but wearing shades in an attempt to not look quite so desperate. Friedrick wore a fedora pulled low over his face as well as a trench coat that was a bit too large. And despite all of these methods of camouflage, they both still looked remarkably like teddy bears. But this was not a problem, due to the aforementioned dim lighting in the café. There, in the corner of that restaurant, sipping their hot chocolates, the bears began to plot.

“I think that we should start here,” Fluff whispered, pointing one paw at a point on a map spread across their table. Her paw stuck to the map for a moment due to the Bit-O-Honey caught between her claws. She really loves her sticky confections.
Friedrick shook his head. “No,” he said. “This is the best place to begin.” He jabbed a finger (do teddy bears have fingers? Discuss) at a point on the map across from Fluff’s desired location.

These two tenacious teddy bears were recently home from a trip to Germany where they had watched many soccer games, eaten much bratwurst, learned to make strange, guttural noises with the phlegm at the backs of their throats, and flirted with many German Wookies (that last bit may just have been Fluff, but she would deny it all. Except for the soft words of love whispered by that last Wookie who may or may not have been Chewbacca in disguise. She would never deny her beloved Chewbacca. But that is a tale for another time when I need to blackmail Fluff. Ahem. Where were we? Ah, yes. Right here).

Having returned from Germany, they arrived just in time to participate in the county fair. They had traveled to be with Wodin the Wise and help her conquer the events and sights of the fair whilst entering their own competition. You see, Fluff had recently acquired a very large goose, and she was determined to enter the goose in the fair and see if she could win first prize. First prize would be elusive, seeing as Jimmy McFarland—the local goose farmer and winner of the Goose Gold Medal for the past six years running—was entering not one but three geese into the competition.

However, this has little to do with what Friedrick and Fluff were doing at the dimly lit café. They had been preparing for the fair for several weeks now, but they were currently looking for the best way to see all of the sights at the fair in the most efficient, most pleasure-inducing manner they could possibly manage. Fluff’s desired point of commencement of the fair tour was by the rides and ending by the rodeo ring (though she remains devoted to a certain hirsute gentleman of about 7ft. 2 inches, she does enjoy a nice, strapping young cowboy). Friedrick wanted to start by the animal barns and end with the craft barn (Friedrick will rarely admit to it, but he loves anything crafty. This is one of the reasons Martha Stewart has a restraining order out against him. One of the reasons. There are others that, for legal reasons, neither Friedrick nor I are at liberty to mention. But Fluff is under no obligation whatsoever, so she totally wants to you call her!).

Just as Friedrick and Fluff were about to begin arguing again about which location they wished to start with, a familiar finger jabbed at another sector of the map, and declared, “Here. We begin and end here.” The finger demonstrated a circular pathway across the map, beginning and ending at the food stalls. The bears looked up and beheld that it was Wodin, and that more specifically, Wodin had started at the Elephant Ear stand and ended at the Lemonade stand. Fluff smiled in gratitude, and Friedrick whispered, “Genius! Pure genius!” Wodin blushed modestly before pulling up a chair to join the convocation. With a single motion, however, she swept away the map, and both of their hot chocolates. Friedrick looked at the floor where his hot chocolate was pooling and whimpered.

“Forget that,” said Wodin. “We have problems: Wayne Newton is scheduled to perform at the fair on the day of the Goose Judging Contest. That, and I just learned that painting a goose’s toenails is just not done for an event like the county fair.”
Friedrick and Fluff both gasped, but for different reasons. Friedrick had gasped because he had thought that Wayne Newton was still under house arrest in Las Vegas. Fluff had gasped because she had been longing to try a new color of nail polish on Glinda The Good Goose called “Cheap French Whore.” It was a simply divine color red, and Fluff was devastated. “Why must the potholes of the world overwhelm us?” she cried.

“There, there,” soothed Friedrick.

“Where?”

“Never mind.”

“Bears!” barked Wodin sharply, and their heads snapped in Wodin’s direction. “We must work on preparing two plans: one to conquer Wayne Newton, and the other how to beat that dirty rat, Jimmy McFarland, at the fair.”

The bears knew Wodin was correct, and so they began to plan…

The day of the Goose Judging Contest found the bears hard at work on their plans with Wodin supervising the last touches. Fluff was using a toothbrush to buff Glinda The Good Goose’s beak, and Friedrick was carefully smoothing each feather into place. Glinda The Good Goose was sleek and beautiful, her gray and white feathers carefully preened and orange beak polished to a sheen. She honked softly and waddled across the room in her most graceful manner, practicing for the moment when she would be asked to waddle for the judges. Wodin was not watching them closely, because she was working on their plan to prevent Wayne from interfering with their day. She was dressed entirely in camouflage and wore a dark beanie on her head, and her face was smudged with camouflage grease paint. She leaned over a diagram of the performance area, and in her teeth she held clamped a knife. She looked serious. Or some would say seriously deranged, but that would be their word against hers, and who’s holding the knife, hmm? That’s right, no one dares insult someone who fancies herself a Jedi master when she clutches a knife.

Anyway, she folded the diagram and put it into her pocket. Fluff herded Glinda into her cage for transport, and Friedrick sucked on his thumb where Fluff closed the cage on it. Then they met in the middle of the room and huddled, heads together, like a football team.

“Remember,” advised Wodin, “that the plan depends upon our precision.”

Fluff added, “And hoping the judge is really cute so I can flirt with him.”

Friedrick stared at Fluff, who blushed and asked, “Did I say that out loud?” and Friedrick nodded. “Oh my.”

When they arrived at the fairgrounds, Wodin took up position near the performance stage, and Friedrick and Fluff headed straight back to the animal barns, Friedrick only glancing wistfully once as they passed the Elephant Ear stand. They set her cage in the designated spot between a perfectly white goose and one whose beak was strange. Next to these geese, Friedrick and Fluff felt completely confident in their ability to take Glinda to victory. They were smugly congratulating themselves when they heard a voice behind them.

“Well, well, well. What have we here? The teddy bear’s picnic?”

Friedrick and Fluff turned around slowly to face the owner of the voice, who was none other than Jimmy McFarland. Fluff tried to smile politely, but it turned out a grimace of bared teeth and the hint of a growl. Friedrick simply stood stunned.
Jimmy continued, “You think that you can beat me? I don’t think so. My three geese are going to take first, second and third places, and there’s nothing your silly little goose can do about it.” At this, Glinda honked at Jimmy, and if geese could have expressions, hers was quite malevolent indeed. Jimmy just laughed and turned to leave, but paused at the door to the barn and said before leaving, “It’ll take more than that to intimidate me!”

Back at the performance venue, Wodin skulked around the back listening for gossip. Most of it was something about two people named John and Marsha, who were apparently having a torrid affair (is an affair always torrid? Discuss), but very little of it applied to Wayne Newton. Finally, in her spying, she came a cross a piece of useful gossip.

“No one will even notice the difference anyway,” said one stagehand,” after all, it’s not like Wayne has been on his game lately. He’s been too distracted by his mental issues.”

“Yeah, but are you sure those diehard fans won’t notice?” replied another stagehand.

“Nah. The Wayne Newton impersonator is better than the real guy! The fans will think he finally has his act together, and Wayne Newton will get a chance to see the Goose Judging Contest, like he really wanted to do.”

Wodin gasped. This would mean that instead of prepping in his guest room, Wayne would be heading to the goose barn at this very moment! Wodin popped out of her hiding space, frightening the two stagehands, and dashed out.

“What was that?” asked the second stagehand.

“Just one of those nuts that always shows up at small county fairs. You know those kinds of weirdos.” The other one nodded, and they went back to fiddling with the equipment.

In the meantime, the Goose Judging Contest was about to start. Fluff was nervous and nibbling on her claws. Fluff was hoping that she would be able to bat her eyelashes at the judge and get some bonus points for flirting. Friedrick was slightly confused, because he wasn’t sure what to do. After all, he wasn’t the handler of the goose, and he had little to be involved with, but Fluff insisted that he stay. All of the other goose handlers were concerned with their own birds, particularly Jimmy McFarland, who was shooting superior glances at any would-be contender who met his eyes. “Jimmy,” whispered Fluff to Friedrick, “is a supercilious jerk.” Friedrick nodded and kept his eyes focused on Glinda.

Unnoticed by both of our tenacious teddy bears, however, was a certain Las Vegas singer who casually strolled in to the goose barn and began to look at the geese. Just then, a hush fell over the barn as a group of people holding clipboards marched in, and a whisper of, “The judges!” rippled through the geese handlers. Friedrick looked up and stared, and Fluff smoothed her fur with her paw and batted her eyelashes. Then she stopped. Not one of the judges was a cute young man. In fact, several were women. This would not work. “Flirt!” she hissed at Friedrick.

“Huh?”

“You have to bat your eyes at those women judges! They will totally fall all over you and think you are adorable, and you have to win it for us!”

Friedrick was taken aback, but he was a good brother, so he obediently batted his eyelashes and made silly smiles at the judges; however, Friedrick wasn’t very talented at flirting, and instead of looking charming, he looked rather menacing. The overall effect was quite problematic, so Fluff whacked him on the arm, and he stopped. “What?” he asked. “I can bat my eyes faster. Look—” and he batted his eyes furiously.

“No, no. Stop that. It’s grotesque,” said Fluff. “We’ll just have to win on merit.”

The judges began to make the rounds, starting with a breed of goose from Winnemucca. Through a window at one end of the barn, Wodin breathlessly peered, searching for the errant Mr. Newton. And there he was! Standing not fifteen feet from Glinda’s cage!

Wodin leapt through the window, tearing the mesh screen and yodeling like a mad Swiss sailor in Singapore. Everyone in the barn looked up, terrified. Wayne Newton, especially, appeared shocked as a panic crept into his eyes. Wodin struck a karate pose and began flailing her arms about and shouting to Wayne that she dared him to come closer. It was only then that he noticed the bears. For you see, he was not there to create trouble; he was simply there as part of his tour around the country. In fact, he had not known that the bears would be in that barn, and he began to whimper and sob at the sight of them.

Wodin stopped her frantic attempts at defense and stared at the distraught singer. She suddenly felt quite bad for how she had acted. He had held no sinister plan towards her beloved bears, and if she had not overreacted, perhaps he never would have noticed them. Sadly, she pulled a Kleenex from the pocket of her cargo pants and handed it to Wayne. He took it from her, and looked at her wonderingly.

“I’m sorry,” she said, and left the barn in shame. Wayne blew his nose, got up off the cement floor, and wandered off. Reports differ as to what he did next, but it is almost certain that he eventually ended up at a lake in a neighboring county, wearing nothing but swim trunks, a swimming facemask, a snorkel, and flippers. He also was still holding the Kleenex in one hand, quite tear-stained.

In the Goose Judging Contest, however, the goose judging continued, with several thoughtful glances and approving nods from the judges when they observed Jimmy McFarland’s geese. Finally, Glinda was up. The judges looked at her webbed feet. They looked at her highly polished beak. They looked at her feathers. They looked at her wings. They looked into her eyes. They made her walk about her area so they could see the waddle. And then they moved on. Fluff wasn’t sure what to think, but Friedrick thought he saw one of the judges wink at him, so he told Fluff that they had every chance in the world.

Three more geese were judged, then the judges conferred for a time, before the spokeswoman stood before them, and everyone in the barn listened intently. “You have shown yourselves to be competent geese handlers with lovely, healthy geese. However, there can only be three geese that win prizes. Third place goes to Good For The Gander, shown by Mary Anne Slater!” Mary Anne Slater jumped for joy and hugged her goose and ran to the front to receive her ribbon and prize money. Jimmy McFarland frowned slightly, but he wasn’t worried; he still had first and second prize to win.

The judge continued, “Next we have second prize, going to a lovely little goose, Duchess Of Wingsor, shown by Jimmy McFarland!” Jimmy grinned, and walked to the front to receive his ribbon, confident that he would also be receiving first prize as well.

“Finally, we have first prize of a blue ribbon, the Goose Gold Medal, and five hundred dollars, which goes to newcomer Glinda The Good Goose and her handler Fluff!” Fluff shrieked with joy and Jimmy’s jaw dropped open with disbelief. Friedrick and Fluff rejoiced for a moment, and Glinda honked happily, but then Friedrick said, “We must share the news with Wodin,” and Fluff’s face grew grave. “Yes,” she said. “We must find Wodin.”

Wodin wasn’t difficult to find. She was crying under a tree eating an Elephant Ear. “Buck up, li’l lady!” said Friedrick encouragingly. “We’ve won, and by gum, Fluff’s happier than a bull with an earring!” Wodin looked up, confused by the last comment.

“But I’ve messed up! I thought Wayne was coming for you again, but he wasn’t, and then I scared him, and now I’m going to be sued, and I will go to,” Wodin took a deep breath, “jaaiilll!” she wailed, and recommenced crying into her Elephant Ear.
Fluff sat down next to Wodin.

“Does he know your name?”

Wodin stopped. “Well, no,” she admitted.

“Does he know it was you?”

“No.”

Will he be believed if he takes you to court?”

“Well he has all of those witnesses…”

“But is he sane enough to think of that, or even sane enough to think of taking you to court?”

“Well, no.”

“And, finally,” Fluff asked, “do you think he would want to see any of us anywhere, ever again, even in court?”

“No,” sniffed Wodin.

“Well, then, you have nothing to worry about. Now, I say we go spend our prize money on rides.”

Friedrick, Fluff, and Wodin got up and marched over to the Ferris wheel, and they rode for many an hour. Wayne Newton never did sue them, mostly because he had a traumatic memory loss which caused him to forget how he came to be at that nearby lake in swim trunks and snorkel gear, and his memory loss included the frightening experience at the hands of Wodin the Ninja. Jimmy McFarland attempted to appeal the Goose Judging Contest decision, claiming that teddy bears could not enter geese into the competition, but he was emphatically denied in his appeal, so he went home and sulked, and planned his revenge against those two tenacious teddy bears. And Wodin made herself a pledge: “I will never attack based on unsubstantiated intelligence again.” And that was that, and everyone was happy, except for Glinda The Good Goose, whom they roasted for Christmas dinner that year.

Well, folks, that’s it for this installment of the Chronicles of Friedrick and Fluff. May your sojourns in the world be without any Wayne Newtons, and may you not be Glinda The Good Goose. This story is brought to you by the letters S and F, and the Friedrick and Fluff Guide to Toilet Travel. Stay tuned for the next tale of derring-do, wherein the bears work towards their life-long goal of space flight and where a large sea slug threatens their attempts. Until next time, remember that if you have a marble, it is better to put it in a flowerpot than a cookie.

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