The MOlympics: 2002 Salt Lake

Hello, folks! And here it is, once again, time for the biennial Olympic (or should I say Molympic?) edition of The Adventures of Friedrick and Fluff! Please, wear your seatbelts, keep your head and hands inside the bobsled, and we’re off!

Once again, the Olympics had returned, this time to Utah, that state where the Big Hair roams, and there is a Big Yutz University (attended by someone Wodin knows as Anna the Astute). Well, Friedrick and Fluff wanted to compete very badly. They loved their competition appearance in the Sydney Olympics, so they believed that an appearance in Salt Lake would be just as fun, right? Unfortunately, Friedrick’s best event was Toilet Flushing, which would not be offered at the Winter Olympics, seeing as the water would freeze in the cataclysmically freezing temperatures in Utah. Friedrick shrugged, and began to peruse a catalogue of offered Olympic events.

“Hmmm… Skeleton…No… Snowboarding? No… Moguls, Ouch!” Friedrick rubbed his tail where he had fallen on a mogul just the other night. Moguls skiing was definitely and resolutely out. And then he came to it: Ice dancing! “Fluff! We shall be the Two Tenacious Dancing Bears!” And Fluff agreed, as long as she could be involved in the Super G (Picabo’s old reigning favorite) and Friedrick agreed as long as he could try out for the luge. And so it was decided. They were going to make their way to Utah to compete (and visit Lovely Lola, who was in Utah in training for missionarying). Friedrick and Fluff began to work on their dance moves (even though Fluff was disappointed that she could not tap-dance on anyone’s head in skates) and they improved drastically in a very short time. Fluff qualified for the Super G easily, and Friedrick was able to cut one-one-hundredth of a second off his luge time by smearing his body with Cheez Whiz. This worked well, but the Cheez Whiz froze to his fur, and was very difficult to get off. “Ah, but all for the sport!” Friedrick stated firmly. And so his technique was adopted by several of the Austrian Lugers, but none of them used it quite as well as Friedrick did.

But February came around, and it was time to compete in the Olympics. The stage was set, and boy, was it huge! Because Friedrick and Fluff are siblings, Rob Costless and his sidekick, perpetually perky Karly Colic, decided to do a small, tear-jerking feature on the bears. It was done in black and white, with the Rob Costless voice-over: “It isn’t often that we meet two such tenacious teddy bears, but it is even less often that we meet tenacious teddy bears with tragic tragedies in their tragic past.” The screen flashed to a shot of Fluff staring morosely out of a generic window at a skating rink as she re-told the story of her trip to Siberia and the days with that Toilet Tyrant (aka, Jeanette): “That was the lowest point, I believe. We loved Jeanette, and her mania for clean toilets interrupted our dance training. But it was through her and our trip to Siberia that we were first introduced to the novelty of ice. Our furry coats were perfect for the icy setting.” The screen then flashed to a shot of the bears with Jeanette. “We are now on very good terms with Jeanette,” says Friedrick effusively, as the shot dissolves into one of the bears practicing their dance routine on the ice. “She helped us to realize that we could be strong.” Then, the voice of Rob Costless comes once again, as the shot becomes a series of individual frames showing the bears training for their different events. “These bears are not only into ice dancing, but Friedrick, the younger brother, is competing in the Luge event, and Fluff, the older sister, is competing in the Super G as well.” Then the screen turned to pictures of their Summer Games debut. “But the World will remember these bears as the first siblings to compete in both the Summer and Winter Olympics consecutively. The first bears, really. Can they repeat their success of the previous games? Only time will tell.” Then the coverage immediately went to a commercial. Friedrick and Fluff were greatly excited to have the documentary shown to as many people were watching the Olympic coverage. They thought it would be lovely to garner more fame than ever before. That way, their next Presidential bid might have more success. But it was time to get down to business.

Friedrick and Fluff spent as much time on the ice as the Russians would give them (the Russians were still upset at the fact that Friedrick had beaten a Russian at the Toilet Flushing competition in Sydney), but no matter, Friedrick and Fluff were working hard anyway. Finally, the day came when the bears were to compete.

Fluff was a nervous wreck, in her blue and green sequined skating outfit, and Friedrick in his all black, streamlined outfit. They were all prepared to skate, when, out of nowhere, someone ran up, and whacked her in the knee, and she went down, in a ball of tears and screaming, “It hurts, oh, it hurts!” And then Nancy… Oops, sorry. Wrong Olympics. Where was I? Right. The ice. So, Friedrick and Fluff hit the ice, and struck their pose. The music began, and they effortlessly glided across the ice. They made a beautiful move called a “Klechermannschaft,” where Friedrick skated on one foot while Fluff leaned upon him and took both of her feet off of the ice. It was spectacular. The crowd went wild. Until Fluff’s shoelace broke, and she began to cry, and she went to the judges and demanded a “do-over” (yes, that is the technical term) and… Oh, wait. There I go again. Where was I? Ah, yes, the Klechermannschaft. So, they performed this ridiculously difficult move, and they were given good scores. They were very pleased. The announcer even said, “That will be a tough program to beat, Rob!” to which Rob Costless replied, “Indeed. But the Russians have yet to skate. Now to a commercial.” So there was a commercial where Friedrick and Fluff endorsed Jell-O, usurping Bill Cosby’s role (he was bitter, but that is another story, and has nothing to do with the story at hand. The point is there was a commercial. Now, let’s get back to the Olympic coverage. Thank you).

So, the Russians skated next in the rotation. Friedrick and Fluff bit their nails (claws?) nervously until the scores came up, and… The Russians won. Friedrick and Fluff automatically launched an investigation about the erroneous judging, and they were very angry. They went to the IOC (I’m an Obstinate Crackhead) Committee to get it all straightened out, and the President of the Committee said, “You’ll shoot your eye out, kid.” So Friedrick and Fluff went back to the skating venue, only to find that they had been beat by several other pairs of skaters, namely the French and Canadian pairs (the Canadians got in because everyone felt so bad for them). Friedrick and Fluff were still upset, so they went back to the IOC Committee president, to complain once again. But instead of getting sympathy, the president said, “No, I will not talk to you bears any more today.” So the bears danced on his head. It made them feel much better. But it still did not solve anything. Instead, they decided to go to their next competitions.

Fluff’s was first, and Friedrick went to watch her. Fluff stood at the gate at the top of the hill, and then rocketed downward, flying by gate after gate! She was on a roll! She was on fire! She had everything to live for! Until she slipped going around one of the last gates. And then she tumbled over the finish line. It was still a legitimate finish, but, alas, because of her fall, she had added extra time to her run, and she was out of medal contention. It appeared that the Rob Costless curse would claim those two tenacious teddy bears (you know, the curse that whomever Rob Costless features prominently in a short documentary does not do well at all, but instead goes on to lose the gold, their dog, and their left eye. Okay so perhaps that is a bit of a generalization, but you get the point). The amazing Olympic team of F & F was about to go down. There was but one hope left: Friedrick in the Luge.

The time for competition came, and Friedrick carefully smeared his body with Cheez Whiz. He went to the start house, and awaited his turn. He got on his sled… “One… Two…. Three!” shouted the startman. Friedrick launched himself out of the start house and raced through the first curve. By the second curve, he was a half second ahead and going nearly seventy miles per hour! It was amazing. Fluff could hardly watch. Rob Costless was (for once) at a loss for words. Friedrick went zipping through the curves and he made it across the finish line in the lead! All was well! Everyone cheered for Friedrick! Except for the angry German competitor who Friedrick had beat out for the gold. He went to the President of the IOC committee and complained that the use of Cheez Whiz was illegal. The President looked into matters and found that it was indeed an illegal substance. Friedrick broke down and cried, right there on national television. He rubbed the tears away, and then went to lick his hand (because it still had Cheez Whiz on it; Yum!) The Rob Costless Curse had struck again (it had also struck that poor skier, and the snowboarder). Friedrick and Fluff both cried, until Fluff whispered to Friedrick, “At least the ice wasn’t as slippery as a wet fish.” And Friedrick replied, “It was more slippery than my Cheez Whiz, though,” and they both cried. (Truth be told, Rob Costless cried, too, but that is because he is easily influenced by the power of suggestion.)

So instead, of waiting around for the awards (none of which were going to our competitive coterie), the bears decided to go and visit Lovely Lola (now known as Hermana Lovely).

Hermana Lovely was doing, well, lovely. She was ever so excited to see the two bears. But, as she was racing to greet them, she slipped on the ice and fell. She landed directly upon her—ahem—nether region. She was rather sore, and rather embarrassed, but that did not prevent her from greeting the bears just the same. They talked for a bit of time (not long, because Hermana Lovely had other things to attend to) before the bears had to leave Hermana Lovely to do, well, lovely things! So the two teddy bears returned to their hotel rooms. There, they packed for home, since they had not won anything. They were about to flush themselves home, when up though the toilet popped Karly Colic! She began to gush about their style on the ice, and how much she loved their Toilet Travel Method book, and how she had voted for them in the election. She ended her awe-inspired diatribe by asking, “…so, can I have your autograph?” She looked as giddy as a schoolgirl with a large ice cream cone with two scoops of double fudge mint ice cream. Friedrick and Fluff, however, were unimpressed, and (as Karly stood there, awe-stricken) they knew what they had to do. They pulled out their Light Sabers and began to duel… Oops; here’s what they really did: They tap-danced on Karly Colic’s forehead until she passed out, and then they flushed her back to the broadcast headquarters. (They weren’t Toilet Flushing Gold medallists for nothing, you know.)

That night, on the news, Friedrick and Fluff heard the following newscast:

“Late this afternoon, our reporter Karly Colic was found in the station’s bathroom soaking wet and with a concussion. She was admitted to the hospital for observation, but her physicians say she will be back on the job by tomorrow morning. No word yet on how the incident occurred. All Karly has said about the incident is that she knew that Wayne Newton was right all along. Rob, back to you.” The bears turned off the television at that point and turned to one another. “Discretion at the next run-in with a celebrity should be exercised,” said Fluff solemnly. Friedrick nodded, then grinned evilly. “Let us send Karly and Wayne some flowers…” He said. And it was done. And that was that.

Stay tuned for next time, when Friedrick and Fluff find more unusual things to do and go to more unusual places!

This is brought to you by green Jell-O, The Figure Skating Association, and the Committee for the Bettering of Canadians.