Dastardly Detective Dan

Lovely Lola was going to visit her wonderful friend, Wodin the Wise. She was oh-so-excited to see her wise friend. She was driving quickly, but safely—honest. As she was driving, she was pulled over by a police officer. “Do you know what you did?” he asked. Lola’s lovely eyes filled with tears as she shook her head. The officer with the stern gaze told her she had driven recklessly, and she must face a judge. Lola burst into tears. And when she burst into tears, what do you think happened? Absolutely nothing. Merv the Fairy-God-Cabby should have appeared, but something must have gone wrong, because he did not show. This lack of presence made Lola cry even harder. The police officer had a mean ol’ sidekick, named Detective Dan, and he was mean. He said, “What do you mean? How can you not know what you did? IT was foul! And mean! And downright despicable!” And Lola stopped crying, looked Detective Dan in the eye, and began to bawl louder and messier than ever. She leaned over and blew her nose noisily on Detective Dan’s clean tie. This infuriated Detective Dan, so he stomped back to the patrol vehicle and, with the help of the police officer, wrote Lola a nasty ticket, requiring her to appear in court the very next week. Lola drove off slowly with tears still in her eyes. What she did not notice, however, was that Detective Dan had an evil glint in his eyes. “I’ll get those little demon bears this time!” he muttered. Detective Dan was really Wayne Newton in disguise!

*****

As soon as Lola arrived back at her home, she telephoned those two tenacious teddy bears that we all know and love: Friedrick and Fluff. Fluff answered the phone. “F & F Enterprises. Fluff speaking. How may I help you?”

Lola was confused. “F&F Enterprises? What’s that?”

Fluff cleared her throat and began to speak, “F & F Enterprises includes all of our business and professional endeavors. We created the Enterprise to try and prevent the whole Bore/Shrub fiasco from ever occurring again. Ever.” Fluff paused. “Why have YOU called our Enterprise?”

Lola began to wail. She began to sob. It was uncontrollable. Fluff began to get frustrated. She hates it when Lola gets hysterical. She barked into the phone, “Out with it! What is going on?”

Lola hiccupped and bawled, “Igannogonnocorrrrttt!”

Fluff, at her end of the phone, lifted one eyebrow (if that is possible for a teddy bear) and said, “No kidding. That is an unusual malady. Perhaps if you went to see a doctor, he could prescribe something to cure that rash.”

Lola stomped her foot and drew in her breath long enough to get out, “I got to go to court!” There was more uncontrolled bawling, and she continued with, “I got a ticket from a man named Detective Dan!” Then she completely broke down, again.

Fluff frowned. “We’ll be right there,” she said mystically, and hung up the phone. Fluff turned to Friedrick, who was on the other phone, talking about the latest soccer match. Fluff turned to him and said, “We have a code blue emergency. Grab your egg beater and a rain coat. Detective Dan is at it again.” Friedrick’s eyes widened, and he said to the telephone, “I must leave you, your Highness. Duty calls. Yes, I know that this is an invitation that I cannot refuse. You have my word. My sister and I will attend your party.” He turned to Fluff after hanging up the phone. “THAT was the Queen of Archenisia. She wants us at her Coronation party!”

“Dandy,” said Fluff. “But first we have to go deal with something…”

*****

Back at the Police Headquarters, other officers had begun to wonder about Detective Dan. He didn’t seem so concerned about tracking down criminals as he did about this one Lola person. In fact, he hadn’t even worked on his other cases. He had only opened Lola’s file. The other officers also began to question his police background. It seemed a little fishy, that’s all. He frequently wore his police badge upside-down, or forgot to carry his weapon. It was all very strange…

*****

Lola was sobbing on her pillow when she heard a knock at the door. At her door stood Friedrick and Fluff, both wearing pinstriped power suits and sunglasses. When the door opened, they marched in and set their briefcases down on the coffee table, simultaneously opened them, and withdrew some papers. Fluff and Friedrick sat down on the couch and motioned for Lola to do the same. Lola was astonished, but she sat down. Fluff began to speak. “I have looked into this matter quite thoroughly. In fact, I have been tracking the movements of this so-called “Detective Dan” all over the United States. He, in fact, is not a detective at all. He is Wayne Newton, searching for retribution. He thinks that by harming you, he can get us. He is almost right. By harming you, WE will get HIM." Fluff smiled sinisterly, and began to map out their plan to expose the fraudulent Detective Dan.

*****

The morning of Lola’s court date found our hero and heroines in the courtroom. Lola looked very professional, but she was also very unsure about many things. She was unsure about the accusations, she was unsure about Fluff’s plan, and she was unsure about Fluff’s authority to represent Lola in court. Did the F & F Enterprise really include a law firm as well as Speech Writers Ltd.? Well, Lola decided that the fewer questions asked, the better for all involved. So she sat there, looking demure. Then, the prosecutor followed by the evil Detective Dan entered the room. Detective looked maliciously at Lola, and he shuddered when he saw those two tenacious teddy bears. He also started a tic at the corner of his left eye. How curious, Lola thought.

The bailiff entered, and announced the entrance of the Honorable Judge Paddywhack. The stern judge looked at all the parties involved, and began the proceedings. The prosecutor said that Lola was charged with evading a police officer and scribbling graffiti on the men’s restroom at the county jail. Lola was confused, and so was the judge. They both looked at the prosecutor, who said, “Well, that’s what I’ve got written!” Judge Paddywhack sighed and slammed his gavel down. “This young lady could not have been in the Men’s restroom at the county jail! She was never arrested! Perhaps you had better check your files again, pudding head!”

The prosecutor was flustered, and he shuffled through his papers, and said, “Nope. This is the one with Ms. Lovely’s name on it.” Detective Dan, AKA Wayne, began to sweat, and his eye twitched a little faster. The judge was disgusted. “What a bunch of loonies,” he muttered. He shook his head. “You have presented me with false charges and no evidence. I am going to have to drop these charges.”

Suddenly, Fluff stood up and said, “Your Honor, If I may say a few words?” Judge Paddywhack nodded. Fluff began. “Ladies and Gentlemen of the courtroom, I have some startling evidence that I would like to present. It shows that Detective Dan,” she whirled around to point a fluffy paw in his direction, “is an imposter! He is not a detective, or even really a police officer! He is Wayne Newton!” With this proclamation, she ran over to Detective Dan and pulled off his thick bushy mustache and aviator sunglasses to reveal the true face of Wayne Newton! At this, Wayne began to scream, “She touched me! Get her away! The little bear touched me! I could be contaminated! You could be next! Get it off me!” The Judge looked warily at Wayne, and said, “Bailiff, take Wayne here and drop him in the loony bin. Charges against Ms. Lola Lovely have been dropped, and the court apologizes for the inconvenience this has caused.”

Lola, Friedrick, and Fluff began to cheer as Wayne was carted out of the courtroom in a straightjacket. It was a good day. “How on earth did I get charged with graffiti and evading arrest?” Lola asked Fluff. Fluff grinned devilishly. “I switched your real papers with ones I made up. Anyway, he didn’t have any evidence for the other one anyway.” Lola leaned down and spoke to Fluff, “Detectives who wear green Jell-O for a hat should be made to eat lip gloss.” Fluff nodded and said, “Instead of being given pudding in a silver dish.” Friedrick didn’t add any comments. He was too busy trying to open his pudding cup.

And that was that.