Friedrick and Fluff, 2000 Sydney Olympics Style!

The Olympics were underway in Sydney, Australia. Friedrick and Fluff were taking time off from the campaign trail to—what else?—Compete! Fluff was involved in several sports. She was going to compete in the gymnastics competition, and in the 100 Meter backstroke. Friedrick was competing in the newly included Toilet Travel and Flushing competition as well as diving. Together, those two tenacious teddy bears were entered in the synchronized diving competition (a real event). In all, there were 5 events between them. Lola, being their campaign Manager/Speech Writer went along with them to the games to cover their involvement, and hopefully garner some support from the Aussies for Friedrick's Vegemite/peanut butter trade idea. The bears skipped the opening Ceremonies in order to rest up for their events. Fluff was going to compete first in the pool against some of the world's fastest swimmers.

When she got to the pool, she began to prepare herself. First she put goggles on. Then, she put on her swimsuit. Then, out of her sports bag came her picture of Chewbacca, the Wookie. Fluff smiled and sighed as she gazed at the picture. If only he felt the same way. Fluff returned the picture to her bag and looked around several times to see if anyone was looking. Then she brought out her secret weapon: Cheez Whiz! Carefully, she began to rub Cheez Whiz all over herself. The other competitors, who had previously been engrossed in their own pre-swim rituals, began to stare at Fluff and edge away from her slowly.

One of the Swimmers (no names to be given. All Olympic athletes in this story asked that their names not be used, except for Romanovich) said, "What are you doing?" Then she called for the judges. "I am NOT going to swim in a pool contaminated with Cheez Whiz."

Who could blame her? But, Fluff explained, The Cheez Whiz was to cut down on drag and help her to go faster in the water. The three judges looked at one another and gave Fluff the thumbs down. No Cheez Whiz on the contestants or in the pool. Fluff hung her head sadly. That had been her one chance for Olympic Gold in the 100 meter backstroke.

When the race started she leapt from the blocks as quickly as she could, but it was no use. Her fur just held her back too much, and she finished dead last. Dejected and rejected, Fluff dangled her short legs over the edge of the pool. Then she thought, "Well, at least I am not a slow porpoise." And jumped to her feet to see how Friedrick was faring in the Toilet Travel and Flushing Competition.

The Toilet Travel and Flushing Competition was very fierce, so Lola had accompanied Friedrick to the platform so she could mop the sweat from his brow. These were the finals. Friedrick was fighting it out with Russia's Rodion Romanovich for the Gold Medal.

There were three parts to the competition. The first part was the competition to see how many flushes the athlete could do in one minute. The outcome of that first part had ended in a bitter draw, with both competitors logging 64 flushes each. It was then that Romanovich had turned to Friedrick with steely eyes and a sinister smirk and said, "It is the end for you, bear!" Friedrick had shivered, but persevered. The second bout would include an obstacle course. Each contestant would have to flush himself by the Toilet Travel Method through 12 different toilets on the course. In addition to being timed, they had to grab a flag from the toilet handle as they flushed. To miss a flag would be three points deduction. To miss a toilet all together would result in disqualification. To come up in your rival's toilet would also disqualify the contestant. It could be said that this was the most difficult event in the tournament.

Romanovich and Friedrick stood ready to leap at the first toilet. Romanovich looked at Friedrick and smirked. His smile glinted evilly. "On your mark…Get set…" BANG! went the starters pistol. They both jumped into their respective toilets and grabbed the first flag. The race was intense. Both Fluff and Lola were nervous wrecks. First Friedrick was ahead, then Romanovich. Then, things were too close to tell, and Fluff covered her eyes with her paws. And then, in the blink of an eye, it was over. Romanovich had finished first, but he had missed two flags! Friedrick popped up barely after Romanovich, but he had indeed gathered all of his flags! Lola and Fluff jumped to their feet and cheered!

But the Olympic competition had not finished. There was still the final event, which was by far the hardest mentally. The two competitors were to draw a destination from a hat. All of the destinations were located around Sydney, but were unknown to Romanovich and Friedrick. They would then have to navigate themselves as quickly as possible to their respective locations where they would be met by a judge. The judge would then hand them a flag to prove that the athlete had arrived and the athlete would return by the same route as quickly as possible. The first one back would win the event, and possibly the Gold!

Romanovich was the first to choose. He fished around in the hat, and brought up his destination: Henry's Chicken Barn in Downtown Sydney. Friedrick knew that Romanovich would be able to find such a place easily, and hoped for as much good luck. Friedrick's destination was The Sydney Public restroom on the beach front! Friedrick had never been there before, but he was sure he could manage it. Lola gave out a yell of encouragement, and Romanovich and Friedrick were off! Fluff and Lola waited for five tense minutes. Not only would the timing be important in Friedrick's race for gold, but style also played a factor. His dismount had to be just right. He was planning a double twisting back flipping Stravinsky as his dismount, which was the most difficult dismount Friedrick had mastered. Finally, just before the six minute mark, Friedrick's toilet bubbled, gurgled, and Fluff and Lola held their breath… Friedrick popped out of the toilet with the flag and immediately jumped in to position and did his double twisting back flipping Stravinsky and he landed perfectly! Friedrick had won the Gold medal in Toilet Travel and Flushing! Romanovich popped up shortly after Friedrick, and knew he had been beaten. He was rather bitter.

The next time that Fluff and Friedrick were able to meet up was at their Synchronized Diving Competition. Before the commencement of the competition, Fluff had done her gymnastics, only to fall off the balance beam because she still had some Cheez Whiz on her hands, and she slipped off. The tall Russian girl laughed at her and stepped on Fluff's toes. Fluff was sad.

In the meantime, Friedrick had bungled his individual diving and on one dive (the cannonball) he had been given straight 3.0's. He was disappointed, because he thought it was his best dive, but he knew he had to concentrate on his upcoming performance with Fluff. Finally, the bears were ready. They both stood on the platform, poised for action. In unison, the bears began their decent by doing twisting, half-turning, double-splits before they assumed the typical diving position and entering the water. The crowd went wild! The judges however, feeling bitter that they were bears, scored them just low enough to get fourth place, and no medals. The bears were disappointed, but they had fun.

"Besides," said Lola, "there are but two months before the election, and you must get ready for the upcoming debates that Jorge Q. Shrub FINALLY agreed to!"

Friedrick and Fluff looked at one another and agreed that it was time to leave the Land Down Under, but before they did, they decided to set up a trade-in stand, where Australians could trade one jar of vegemite for one jar of peanut butter. And they were successful. They traded 253 jars of peanut butter for Vegemite, and the support they felt from the Australian public was immense. Too bad they aren't running for President in Australia. Fluff shrugged her shoulders and said, "We had better remember that pudding is best stirred clockwise." Friedrick nodded and added, "Yes, but that spaghetti is better when topped with asparagus." And they flushed themselves home.

Brought to you by the International Olympic Committee on Drug Testing.

And remember, F&F in '00!