Claudette's Wedding, Part 1

Life was crazy. Especially for Claudette the Crazy. She was getting married to her wonderful friend, Confused Chris. He was a lovely boy, but ever so confused about subjects having to do with domesticity. Claudette was trying to plan the wedding, but all Chris was doing was planning his next mass game of Friedrick and Fluff Virtual Reality Space Tag. He was actually planning this as a Honeymoon surprise for his Sweetheart, but she did not realize this (Duh, it's a SURPRISE!) and thought he was just goofing off.

Well, Claudette had many intricate plans for the wedding. She wanted the entire wedding to be held underwater, with everyone (guests included) in SCUBA gear. But this was a problem. After all, how many White wet suits have YOU seen? She wanted her wet suit to be trimmed in pearls (how appropriate for an underwater wedding! Claudette has stellar taste! Except for the whole "underwater" thing. Anyway, back to the story.). She also wanted her bouquet to be water lilies, and the bridesmaids to wear algae green (you see what I mean about the great taste? I wish I had that kind of taste!) and she wanted to have tropical fish released instead of white doves.

However, Claudette was panicked. The wedding was only a few weeks away, and she couldn't find a minister who could SCUBA dive. Also, one of her bridesmaids was hydrophobic and couldn't swim. One of the Groomsmen refused to go underwater (he was afraid it would ruin his hair) and there was still the matter of how the wedding march was going to be heard underwater. Claudette was going crazy. Her Confused significant other was all absorbed in his wedding gift to his future wife, and couldn't be disturbed.

Claudette burst into tears. She sat down on the edge of her bed with her head in her hands. Suddenly, in a great cloud of cigarette smoke, appeared Merv, the Fairy God Cabby. He took one look at Claudette and said, "Oh geez! Why do I get roped into handlin' these "womanly" crises? Sheesh! Okay. Shoot. Whaddaya want?" he asked in a slightly perturbed, nasal New York accent.

Claudette had not noticed the cabby's appearance, and was shocked to see him. He stood as he always did, about two feet off the floor with his perpetual three days growth of stubble, a cigarette dangling from his lips, and his potbelly hanging over his tutu.

Wait! This was different! He wasn't wearing a tutu! He was wearing a wedding gown! Claudette burst out laughing, and Merv looked at himself for the first time (he was dressed magically as he was transported to each assignment) and was disgusted to see himself. “Who thinks up these things? I just do the fairy gig to supplement my income as a cab driver!” Merv continued muttering and cursing under his breath until he was interrupted by Claudette.

“Excuse me, but I am having a crisis here, as you so astutely pointed out, and I am in desperate need of Fairy Intervention.” Merv acquiesced, and asked what she needed. Claudette stood up and began to pace about the room as she recalled all of the issues that had caused her to burst into tears. "Well," she began, "I need 20 tropical fish to release at the completion of the ceremony, Water lily bouquets for all of my bridesmaids and myself. . . " Merv began to take notes. Claudette was gathering speed and counting items off on her fingers as she listed them. ". . . I need a white wet suit trimmed with pearls, a tuxedo wet suit, a minister who can speak underwater without drowning, an underwater string quartet for the wedding march . . ." Claudette continued to list items, each more impossible than the last.

In frustration, Merv threw down his pencil and paper and stomped his feet (which looked rather silly, because he was standing two feet above the floor, remember?). "Fuggedaboutit. I GIVE UP!!!" And Merv disappeared, this time in a shower of rice. Claudette looked mystified. What was she going to do without an expert wedding planner like Merv? Then the idea came to her: A Friedrick and Fluff theme wedding!

Claudette quickly began work on the new plans, which included the guests of honor (you guessed it, Friedrick and Fluff themselves) as ring bearer and flower girl. Claudette was happier because there was ALWAYS Fluff and Friedrick paraphernalia to be found in the stores, and she didn't need to worry about Teddy bear-phobic bridesmaids, and she didn't need to stress about hearing music underwater anymore. Confused Chris was glad because it fit well with his Honeymoon present. Claudette's father was glad because a Friedrick and Fluff theme wedding was a great deal cheaper than renting SCUBA gear for all of the guests. And all were happy. Claudette murmured softly, "Water makes you wet at weddings anyways." And that was that.

Stay tuned for the continuation of this episode, entitled, "The Wedding, and its DISASTERS."