The 2000 Election Begins...

Dear Friends, Family, and anyone else not otherwise categorized: I am about to embark upon another fabulous journey, of which you must all be a part of--I insist! Lovely Lola has sat upon the shelf for several weeks (not literally, Lola dear!) and she desires to come down, or whatever you do when you come off of a shelf. After all, it isn't like coming out of a closet, where you… well, on to the story.

When we last left our heroine, she was sniffing and wiping her eyes at the nuptials of her beloved Sister, Claudette, and Lola was then headed back to the Big Yutz University. She was ever so worried about how she was going to handle the upcoming term. She was SO distracted by the upcoming Presidential Elections between Cal Bore (the current Vice President) and Jorge Q. Shrub, the current governor of one of those big southern states. She had been asked by both candidates to sign on as permanent speech writer for their campaigns, but Lola had avoided giving either of them a definitive answer because she thought they were both dunder heads. (That, and she was secretly hoping for more money.) But, as we all know, Lola is very staunch in her views, and would never sell out. But, as she pondered a polite way to tell them, "NO! I think you are both a big pile of crappy things that ought not to be discussed around the dinner table!", suddenly, out of her toilet popped two thugs (armed and dangerous, to be sure!).

Before she even thought about it, Lola gave them Karate chops that she had learned in her self-defense class several weeks before. She was quite excited at the opportunity to use her moves. But, as she took a closer look, they were the presidential candidates! And she had knocked them out! (They had been trying to get Friedrick and Fluff to help with their campaigns, but when approached with the idea, Friedrick and Fluff had giggled conspiratorially and pushed them down and-what else?-tap danced upon their heads. Shrub and Bore must have learned the Toilet Travel method of Transportation from those two tenacious Teddy bears! Anyway. Back to the story).

Lola knew it was just a matter of time before members of the mass media would be trying to break down her door in attempt to get exclusive interviews with Lola about her tête-à-tête with the presidential boors (or Bore.). As Lola pondered her next move, Shrub groaned and sat up, leaning on one elbow while the other arm rubbed his aching head. Lola cried, "Shut up! I am trying to think!" and pushed him back down onto the floor, once again causing the poor man to become unconscious. As Lola stood there, poised for action, two storm troopers advanced quickly towards her, shouting, "Set to Stun!" Lola turned to dive into the escape pod. Wait, wrong story. Let's try again:

As Lola stood there, poised for action, an idea came to her: she could stuff them back into the toilet and flush them to where they came from! Lola was a strong girl, but clearly the stress of the election campaign had caused these men to turn to comfort foods (they looked, and felt, considerably heavier than the last time Lola had seen them). As Lola heaved and hefted, She was finally able to get the candidates into the toilet. They weren't standing; as a matter of fact, one half of their bodies were slumped over the edge of the toilet bowl, and Lola only hoped that her plan would work. Lola gave the toilet a mighty flush and WHOOSH! The presidential hopefuls were gone in a flash (or flush). Lola hoped that their memory of the incident would be limited.

Later that night, as Lola went to watch some quality Professional WWF (Weird Wrestling Freaks) Wrestling on television, it was interrupted by a news flash: Tom Brokaw came on saying, "There has been a new development in the race for the White House. Both Jorge Q. Shrub and Cal Bore arrived at their debate tonight looking rather disheveled and soaking wet. When questioned, Bore was quoted as saying, 'The Bears did it to us... and then... then… That girl… she was a Jedi master." before collapsing under the strain. Both men were taken to an area hospital to be treated for lacerations and are listed in fair condition. As a result, an unnamed Jedi master is now being sought for questioning. No charges have been filed." Brokaw stopped to take a breath and shift his gaze to the other camera. "In other news, Friedrick, star of the hit series 'Friedrick and Fluff' has announced his candidacy for President, and Fluff has announced her intentions to be his running mate. Details at eleven. Back to our regularly scheduled program."

The newsbreak had caused Lola to miss the one fight she was interested in, but she was too excited to care! Not only would she not be charged with a crime (everyone KNEW she wasn't a Jedi Master!), but her favorite bears were running for president! She called them to give them her full support and volunteer to become their speechwriter. On the other line, Fluff graciously said, "Only dunder heads could have fallen so easily." Friedrick followed with, "And don't forget my position on trading peanut butter for vegemite with the Australians!" And the phone call was over. Lola was happy.

Well friends, I hope you have enjoyed this story, and may I remind you: Vote F&F in '00!