Fluff Loves Muse

This video is Fluff's favorite music video. I think she fancies the angry bear with fangs.

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What's Good for the Goose

Fluff and Friedrick sat huddled in a dark corner of a dimly lit café. In an effort to disguise themselves, they wore disguises, thus disguising their most disguisable features. Yes, they wore disguises, in case you were wondering. Fluff wore dark sunglasses, much like a Hollywood starlet longing for attention but wearing shades in an attempt to not look quite so desperate. Friedrick wore a fedora pulled low over his face as well as a trench coat that was a bit too large. And despite all of these methods of camouflage, they both still looked remarkably like teddy bears. But this was not a problem, due to the aforementioned dim lighting in the café. There, in the corner of that restaurant, sipping their hot chocolates, the bears began to plot.

“I think that we should start here,” Fluff whispered, pointing one paw at a point on a map spread across their table. Her paw stuck to the map for a moment due to the Bit-O-Honey caught between her claws. She really loves her sticky confections.
Friedrick shook his head. “No,” he said. “This is the best place to begin.” He jabbed a finger (do teddy bears have fingers? Discuss) at a point on the map across from Fluff’s desired location.

These two tenacious teddy bears were recently home from a trip to Germany where they had watched many soccer games, eaten much bratwurst, learned to make strange, guttural noises with the phlegm at the backs of their throats, and flirted with many German Wookies (that last bit may just have been Fluff, but she would deny it all. Except for the soft words of love whispered by that last Wookie who may or may not have been Chewbacca in disguise. She would never deny her beloved Chewbacca. But that is a tale for another time when I need to blackmail Fluff. Ahem. Where were we? Ah, yes. Right here).

Having returned from Germany, they arrived just in time to participate in the county fair. They had traveled to be with Wodin the Wise and help her conquer the events and sights of the fair whilst entering their own competition. You see, Fluff had recently acquired a very large goose, and she was determined to enter the goose in the fair and see if she could win first prize. First prize would be elusive, seeing as Jimmy McFarland—the local goose farmer and winner of the Goose Gold Medal for the past six years running—was entering not one but three geese into the competition.

However, this has little to do with what Friedrick and Fluff were doing at the dimly lit café. They had been preparing for the fair for several weeks now, but they were currently looking for the best way to see all of the sights at the fair in the most efficient, most pleasure-inducing manner they could possibly manage. Fluff’s desired point of commencement of the fair tour was by the rides and ending by the rodeo ring (though she remains devoted to a certain hirsute gentleman of about 7ft. 2 inches, she does enjoy a nice, strapping young cowboy). Friedrick wanted to start by the animal barns and end with the craft barn (Friedrick will rarely admit to it, but he loves anything crafty. This is one of the reasons Martha Stewart has a restraining order out against him. One of the reasons. There are others that, for legal reasons, neither Friedrick nor I are at liberty to mention. But Fluff is under no obligation whatsoever, so she totally wants to you call her!).

Just as Friedrick and Fluff were about to begin arguing again about which location they wished to start with, a familiar finger jabbed at another sector of the map, and declared, “Here. We begin and end here.” The finger demonstrated a circular pathway across the map, beginning and ending at the food stalls. The bears looked up and beheld that it was Wodin, and that more specifically, Wodin had started at the Elephant Ear stand and ended at the Lemonade stand. Fluff smiled in gratitude, and Friedrick whispered, “Genius! Pure genius!” Wodin blushed modestly before pulling up a chair to join the convocation. With a single motion, however, she swept away the map, and both of their hot chocolates. Friedrick looked at the floor where his hot chocolate was pooling and whimpered.

“Forget that,” said Wodin. “We have problems: Wayne Newton is scheduled to perform at the fair on the day of the Goose Judging Contest. That, and I just learned that painting a goose’s toenails is just not done for an event like the county fair.”
Friedrick and Fluff both gasped, but for different reasons. Friedrick had gasped because he had thought that Wayne Newton was still under house arrest in Las Vegas. Fluff had gasped because she had been longing to try a new color of nail polish on Glinda The Good Goose called “Cheap French Whore.” It was a simply divine color red, and Fluff was devastated. “Why must the potholes of the world overwhelm us?” she cried.

“There, there,” soothed Friedrick.

“Where?”

“Never mind.”

“Bears!” barked Wodin sharply, and their heads snapped in Wodin’s direction. “We must work on preparing two plans: one to conquer Wayne Newton, and the other how to beat that dirty rat, Jimmy McFarland, at the fair.”

The bears knew Wodin was correct, and so they began to plan…

The day of the Goose Judging Contest found the bears hard at work on their plans with Wodin supervising the last touches. Fluff was using a toothbrush to buff Glinda The Good Goose’s beak, and Friedrick was carefully smoothing each feather into place. Glinda The Good Goose was sleek and beautiful, her gray and white feathers carefully preened and orange beak polished to a sheen. She honked softly and waddled across the room in her most graceful manner, practicing for the moment when she would be asked to waddle for the judges. Wodin was not watching them closely, because she was working on their plan to prevent Wayne from interfering with their day. She was dressed entirely in camouflage and wore a dark beanie on her head, and her face was smudged with camouflage grease paint. She leaned over a diagram of the performance area, and in her teeth she held clamped a knife. She looked serious. Or some would say seriously deranged, but that would be their word against hers, and who’s holding the knife, hmm? That’s right, no one dares insult someone who fancies herself a Jedi master when she clutches a knife.

Anyway, she folded the diagram and put it into her pocket. Fluff herded Glinda into her cage for transport, and Friedrick sucked on his thumb where Fluff closed the cage on it. Then they met in the middle of the room and huddled, heads together, like a football team.

“Remember,” advised Wodin, “that the plan depends upon our precision.”

Fluff added, “And hoping the judge is really cute so I can flirt with him.”

Friedrick stared at Fluff, who blushed and asked, “Did I say that out loud?” and Friedrick nodded. “Oh my.”

When they arrived at the fairgrounds, Wodin took up position near the performance stage, and Friedrick and Fluff headed straight back to the animal barns, Friedrick only glancing wistfully once as they passed the Elephant Ear stand. They set her cage in the designated spot between a perfectly white goose and one whose beak was strange. Next to these geese, Friedrick and Fluff felt completely confident in their ability to take Glinda to victory. They were smugly congratulating themselves when they heard a voice behind them.

“Well, well, well. What have we here? The teddy bear’s picnic?”

Friedrick and Fluff turned around slowly to face the owner of the voice, who was none other than Jimmy McFarland. Fluff tried to smile politely, but it turned out a grimace of bared teeth and the hint of a growl. Friedrick simply stood stunned.
Jimmy continued, “You think that you can beat me? I don’t think so. My three geese are going to take first, second and third places, and there’s nothing your silly little goose can do about it.” At this, Glinda honked at Jimmy, and if geese could have expressions, hers was quite malevolent indeed. Jimmy just laughed and turned to leave, but paused at the door to the barn and said before leaving, “It’ll take more than that to intimidate me!”

Back at the performance venue, Wodin skulked around the back listening for gossip. Most of it was something about two people named John and Marsha, who were apparently having a torrid affair (is an affair always torrid? Discuss), but very little of it applied to Wayne Newton. Finally, in her spying, she came a cross a piece of useful gossip.

“No one will even notice the difference anyway,” said one stagehand,” after all, it’s not like Wayne has been on his game lately. He’s been too distracted by his mental issues.”

“Yeah, but are you sure those diehard fans won’t notice?” replied another stagehand.

“Nah. The Wayne Newton impersonator is better than the real guy! The fans will think he finally has his act together, and Wayne Newton will get a chance to see the Goose Judging Contest, like he really wanted to do.”

Wodin gasped. This would mean that instead of prepping in his guest room, Wayne would be heading to the goose barn at this very moment! Wodin popped out of her hiding space, frightening the two stagehands, and dashed out.

“What was that?” asked the second stagehand.

“Just one of those nuts that always shows up at small county fairs. You know those kinds of weirdos.” The other one nodded, and they went back to fiddling with the equipment.

In the meantime, the Goose Judging Contest was about to start. Fluff was nervous and nibbling on her claws. Fluff was hoping that she would be able to bat her eyelashes at the judge and get some bonus points for flirting. Friedrick was slightly confused, because he wasn’t sure what to do. After all, he wasn’t the handler of the goose, and he had little to be involved with, but Fluff insisted that he stay. All of the other goose handlers were concerned with their own birds, particularly Jimmy McFarland, who was shooting superior glances at any would-be contender who met his eyes. “Jimmy,” whispered Fluff to Friedrick, “is a supercilious jerk.” Friedrick nodded and kept his eyes focused on Glinda.

Unnoticed by both of our tenacious teddy bears, however, was a certain Las Vegas singer who casually strolled in to the goose barn and began to look at the geese. Just then, a hush fell over the barn as a group of people holding clipboards marched in, and a whisper of, “The judges!” rippled through the geese handlers. Friedrick looked up and stared, and Fluff smoothed her fur with her paw and batted her eyelashes. Then she stopped. Not one of the judges was a cute young man. In fact, several were women. This would not work. “Flirt!” she hissed at Friedrick.

“Huh?”

“You have to bat your eyes at those women judges! They will totally fall all over you and think you are adorable, and you have to win it for us!”

Friedrick was taken aback, but he was a good brother, so he obediently batted his eyelashes and made silly smiles at the judges; however, Friedrick wasn’t very talented at flirting, and instead of looking charming, he looked rather menacing. The overall effect was quite problematic, so Fluff whacked him on the arm, and he stopped. “What?” he asked. “I can bat my eyes faster. Look—” and he batted his eyes furiously.

“No, no. Stop that. It’s grotesque,” said Fluff. “We’ll just have to win on merit.”

The judges began to make the rounds, starting with a breed of goose from Winnemucca. Through a window at one end of the barn, Wodin breathlessly peered, searching for the errant Mr. Newton. And there he was! Standing not fifteen feet from Glinda’s cage!

Wodin leapt through the window, tearing the mesh screen and yodeling like a mad Swiss sailor in Singapore. Everyone in the barn looked up, terrified. Wayne Newton, especially, appeared shocked as a panic crept into his eyes. Wodin struck a karate pose and began flailing her arms about and shouting to Wayne that she dared him to come closer. It was only then that he noticed the bears. For you see, he was not there to create trouble; he was simply there as part of his tour around the country. In fact, he had not known that the bears would be in that barn, and he began to whimper and sob at the sight of them.

Wodin stopped her frantic attempts at defense and stared at the distraught singer. She suddenly felt quite bad for how she had acted. He had held no sinister plan towards her beloved bears, and if she had not overreacted, perhaps he never would have noticed them. Sadly, she pulled a Kleenex from the pocket of her cargo pants and handed it to Wayne. He took it from her, and looked at her wonderingly.

“I’m sorry,” she said, and left the barn in shame. Wayne blew his nose, got up off the cement floor, and wandered off. Reports differ as to what he did next, but it is almost certain that he eventually ended up at a lake in a neighboring county, wearing nothing but swim trunks, a swimming facemask, a snorkel, and flippers. He also was still holding the Kleenex in one hand, quite tear-stained.

In the Goose Judging Contest, however, the goose judging continued, with several thoughtful glances and approving nods from the judges when they observed Jimmy McFarland’s geese. Finally, Glinda was up. The judges looked at her webbed feet. They looked at her highly polished beak. They looked at her feathers. They looked at her wings. They looked into her eyes. They made her walk about her area so they could see the waddle. And then they moved on. Fluff wasn’t sure what to think, but Friedrick thought he saw one of the judges wink at him, so he told Fluff that they had every chance in the world.

Three more geese were judged, then the judges conferred for a time, before the spokeswoman stood before them, and everyone in the barn listened intently. “You have shown yourselves to be competent geese handlers with lovely, healthy geese. However, there can only be three geese that win prizes. Third place goes to Good For The Gander, shown by Mary Anne Slater!” Mary Anne Slater jumped for joy and hugged her goose and ran to the front to receive her ribbon and prize money. Jimmy McFarland frowned slightly, but he wasn’t worried; he still had first and second prize to win.

The judge continued, “Next we have second prize, going to a lovely little goose, Duchess Of Wingsor, shown by Jimmy McFarland!” Jimmy grinned, and walked to the front to receive his ribbon, confident that he would also be receiving first prize as well.

“Finally, we have first prize of a blue ribbon, the Goose Gold Medal, and five hundred dollars, which goes to newcomer Glinda The Good Goose and her handler Fluff!” Fluff shrieked with joy and Jimmy’s jaw dropped open with disbelief. Friedrick and Fluff rejoiced for a moment, and Glinda honked happily, but then Friedrick said, “We must share the news with Wodin,” and Fluff’s face grew grave. “Yes,” she said. “We must find Wodin.”

Wodin wasn’t difficult to find. She was crying under a tree eating an Elephant Ear. “Buck up, li’l lady!” said Friedrick encouragingly. “We’ve won, and by gum, Fluff’s happier than a bull with an earring!” Wodin looked up, confused by the last comment.

“But I’ve messed up! I thought Wayne was coming for you again, but he wasn’t, and then I scared him, and now I’m going to be sued, and I will go to,” Wodin took a deep breath, “jaaiilll!” she wailed, and recommenced crying into her Elephant Ear.
Fluff sat down next to Wodin.

“Does he know your name?”

Wodin stopped. “Well, no,” she admitted.

“Does he know it was you?”

“No.”

Will he be believed if he takes you to court?”

“Well he has all of those witnesses…”

“But is he sane enough to think of that, or even sane enough to think of taking you to court?”

“Well, no.”

“And, finally,” Fluff asked, “do you think he would want to see any of us anywhere, ever again, even in court?”

“No,” sniffed Wodin.

“Well, then, you have nothing to worry about. Now, I say we go spend our prize money on rides.”

Friedrick, Fluff, and Wodin got up and marched over to the Ferris wheel, and they rode for many an hour. Wayne Newton never did sue them, mostly because he had a traumatic memory loss which caused him to forget how he came to be at that nearby lake in swim trunks and snorkel gear, and his memory loss included the frightening experience at the hands of Wodin the Ninja. Jimmy McFarland attempted to appeal the Goose Judging Contest decision, claiming that teddy bears could not enter geese into the competition, but he was emphatically denied in his appeal, so he went home and sulked, and planned his revenge against those two tenacious teddy bears. And Wodin made herself a pledge: “I will never attack based on unsubstantiated intelligence again.” And that was that, and everyone was happy, except for Glinda The Good Goose, whom they roasted for Christmas dinner that year.

Well, folks, that’s it for this installment of the Chronicles of Friedrick and Fluff. May your sojourns in the world be without any Wayne Newtons, and may you not be Glinda The Good Goose. This story is brought to you by the letters S and F, and the Friedrick and Fluff Guide to Toilet Travel. Stay tuned for the next tale of derring-do, wherein the bears work towards their life-long goal of space flight and where a large sea slug threatens their attempts. Until next time, remember that if you have a marble, it is better to put it in a flowerpot than a cookie.

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A Wedding of Lovely Proportions

Well, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, children of all ages, it has been far too long since you have seen a story about our Lovely Lola. So here is a story detailing the conclusion of her Lovely Wedding! Read, enjoy, but do not set fire to anything. Fluff would not approve.

“I’ll tell you what I want, what I really, really want. So tell me what you want, what you really, really want… Lala… Hmmmmm… Lalala…”

Lola was dancing about her bedroom, listening to some very loudly playing Spice Girls music and singing along whenever she remembered the words. Why was this Lovely girl doing this? Because she was about to be married in three days. Several months earlier she had found a Lovely dress, her bridesmaids’ dresses were nearly finished, and the firefighter themed decorations were nearly ready. What could possibly go wrong?

Just as she was dancing particularly vigorously, the phone rang, and she paused in mid-splits. Answering the phone, she heard some ominous news: Wayne Newton had, once again, been released to a residential rehab home.

“When the time is right, “cautioned Fluff, “he will strike. Beware the man driven insane by tenacious teddy bears.”

Lola hung up the phone and began to fret. First she furrowed her brow, creasing it into many lines. Next she began to bite her lower lip. And finally, she began to flap one hand repeatedly, saying over and over again (when not biting her lip, that is), “He’s coming! He’s coming!” And so it went like that for three hours, during which time she was supposed to be gluing the last of the glittery spangles to her shoes. Instead, her shoes remained plain, and Lola’s lip began to swell.

***

Meanwhile, back at the ranch… Or, really, back at Wodin’s house, Wodin was busy adding the final spangles to the Bridesmaids’ shoes. They looked fantastic. Because the wedding was firefighter themed, she was gluing the spangles in a pattern that looked like flames. They were oh-so-lovely. She knew Lola would love them “Lola…” Wodin said aloud, suddenly remembering that Wayne Newton had been released, and it would only be a matter of time before he showed up. And thanks to Fluff’s inclusion in the wedding party, the tabloids had been all over, sniffing about for tidbits on the big day. One of those loose-lipped ninnies from Inside Edition was bound to let something slip, and there Wayne would find his opening and show up, just in time to ruin everything. Wodin knew there was something that had to be done. She placed the last spangle on the last shoe, put the glue gun down, and went to the telephone call in a favor to a friend…

***

At that moment, while Wodin was making a call and Fluff and Lola were working on the final touches for the reception, Friedrick was desperately searching for the proper gift for Lovely Lola and Oscar Olvidadizo. The mall was a confusing place to be, even when not confronted by people who looked suspiciously like Sigmund Freud, Billy the Kid and Socrates, but when he came across what appeared to be a rather violent Genghis Khan, Friedrick nearly broke down and cried, “Why do the cockroaches always scurry under bright light?” he wailed.

As he curled up under a necktie stand and began to weep, he heard a familiar voice that immediately made him imagine he was Han Solo.

“Yoo hoo! You under the tie stand! Don’t you recognize me?”

Friedrick opened his tightly closed eyes and looked up, and who should be standing above him but the ever-lovely Carrie Fisher! Friedrick believed she looked like an angel sent to rescue him, but some would just say that was because Carrie Fisher was backlit and appeared to glow. But those people would be kill-joys who deserve to be stomped on, so we will ignore them for now. Ahem. What was I saying? Oh yes, that Carrie Fisher had arrived, appearing quite angelic.

Friedrick reached a paw up to Carrie’s outstretched hand, and she took it to pull him up from his despair and out from under the table. She grimaced only slightly at the sticky Bit O’ Honey on his paw, and otherwise smiled at him, just like she smiled at those little Ewoks in that one movie. “Now,” she said, “what’s the matter?”

Friedrick gulped and began to tell the tale of the wedding, the dress, the Wayne, and the shopping. Carrie slightly frowned, then said, “There’s a wedding, and I wasn’t invited?” Her chin quivered a bit, then tears filled her lovely brown eyes, and finally, one large tear dropped from her brimming eye and rolled down her cheek, splashing on the top of Friedrick’s head. Friedrick felt as though he were in quite a pickle. Not literally, however, because if he were in a literal pickle, he would just eat his way out; he loved pickles. But he was in, shall we say, a dilemma. He wanted to find a gift for Lola, and he wanted Carrie to not cry on his head—her tears were rather large and soaked his fur easily—but he felt he could not simply invite Carrie to the Wedding. So he did it anyway.

“Listen Carrie,” he said soothingly, “I am sure your invitation was lost in the mail. I’ll give you a new invitation if you help me pick a gift.” Carrie beamed at this, wiped the tears from her eyes, and then proclaimed, “I thought you’d never ask!” and whisked Friedrick off on the shopping spree of his life. By the end of the evening, a lovely gift had been chosen and wrapped (a crystal vase in the shape of a toilet), and Friedrick had given Carrie his own invitation, knowing that he could share Fluff’s invitation. The Wedding was only three days away…

***

Those three days passed with a speed rivaled only by gazelles on the plains of Africa, if time ran around on four legs, or if gazelles resembled the fourth dimension. Regardless, the day appeared when Lovely Lola was to marry Oscar Olvidadizo and become Lovely Lola Olvidadizo, and she had butterflies in her stomach (not literally, because that would be gross. But it felt as though her stomach were filled with small fluttering wings; it seemed remarkably like she had to throw up. It was a curious sensation).

The chapel was decorated in a most lovely fashion, with small silver fire hydrants along the aisle, and the bridesmaid dresses were a lovely fire engine red, and the reception site would have large lit torches, and all of the food service people would be wearing fire fighter outfits, complete with suspenders, galoshes, and red hats. Lola was ever so excited, and she was more than ready for marriage. She was so distracted, however, that she did not notice that one of the ushers at the church looked suspiciously familiar…

At the church, things were in an uproar. The media were banned from the ceremony, but reporters flocked around the church and peppered each guest and participant with silly questions. “When is Lola going to star in a television show?” one would ask, and then another would shout out, “Is Lola prepared for marriage to someone who doesn’t know how to tap-dance?” And then another would call out, “Is Chewbacca here yet?” Oh, wait, that isn’t a question from a reporter, but from Fluff, peeking out the church door to see if he had arrived (even though it was Lola’s wedding, Fluff had sent Chewbacca an invitation, hoping that in the atmosphere of a wedding, he would come to his senses and fall madly in love with her. It was a good try, but Chewbacca’s agent had been very choosy about they places Chewy went, and the agent had decided that Lola’s wedding was not to be one of those selective events. Ahem. But this is a story about Lola, not Fluff’s proclivities towards hirsute gentlemen with limited vocabularies. Back to the wedding).

All of the guests were there (including Carrie Fisher, dressed in a lovely yellow dress), all of the members of the wedding party were there, and the officiate—a last minute inclusion at Wodin’s insistence—waited at the front of the chapel wearing a lovely suit and bushy eyebrows. Music began to play as the attendants began to walk down the aisle—First Claudette, then Wodin, then Fluff, and finally, Lola, escorted by her father. Her mother burst into tears at this sight.

Lola stood at the front of the chapel next to Oscar, and beamed at him. The officiate opened his mouth to speak, but before he could get a single word out, the suspicious-looking, hulking usher suddenly jumped forth and began to cackle evilly.
“You thought I wouldn’t find you? Well, I am Wayne Newton! I can find anyone, Danke Shon! You like firemen so much? Well let’s see if they will come to rescue you from a burning chapel!” With that, Wayne struck a match, and then continued to laugh with a crazy glint in his eye and stare at the flame.

Lola was frightened. Oscar stepped in front of her protectively. At that moment, a door to the small bathroom at the side of the chapel opened; there was a whooshing noise, and then up popped Friedrick! He was much learned in the ways of the force, and he wielded his light saber with ease and deftness. When Darth Vader ran towards him, he… Oops. Sorry. Where was this going? Ah, right here: Up popped Friedrick, and he tumbled through the air, landing on the pulpit at the front of the chapel. He and Fluff locked eyes, and Wayne began to twitch. Oscar looked at Lola and whispered, “El casarse es muy difícil cuando los animales salen del inodoro.” Lola looked up at him lovingly; his wisdom (translated here as “Getting married is difficult when animals come out of the toilet.”) made her even more certain that he was the man for her. Just then, Wodin jumped up from where she was sitting with the other attendants and shouted, “Steve, it’s time to call in that favor!”

The officiate ripped off his two bushy eyebrows and his lovely suit, revealing khaki shorts and shirt, and shouted, “Crikey! Ah’m gonna git this one good!” It was Steve Irwin! Fluff had once saved him from the jaws of a possessed cayman, and he was here to repay the debt. He grabbed a length of rope, and then jumped upon the fiendish Wayne Newton and extinguished the match with a single puff, and the continued to truss Wayne up like the slimy lizard he was. When all was said and done, Fluff, Friedrick, Wodin and Steve set the bound and gagged evildoer in the toilet. Wayne’s eyes grew wild, and he began to shake his head and grunt. No one was sure what he was saying, but before anyone could ask him what was being said, Fluff jumped on the handle of the toilet, and flushed Wayne back to wherever he came from. Everyone clapped! It was the best wedding they’d ever been to!

Steve took his place at the head to the chapel once again and began the ceremony, “Friends, family, and teddy bears: Marriage. Marriage is what brings us together today. Marriage. That blessed arrangement, that dream within a dream…” And with that, Lola and Oscar were married, and the villagers rejoiced in the land! And all were happy.

The reception was lovely, and no one had a better time shaking her groove thing than Ms. Fisher, who danced twice with Friedrick, and once with Lovely Dad. By the end of the evening, Fluff went up to the happy couple (Lola and Oscar, not Carrie Fisher and Lovely Dad) and said in carefully rehearsed Spanish, “Este pudín no sabe a guayaba,” Which roughly translated means “This pudding doesn’t taste like guava.” Lola burst into tears (with joy), and Oscar smiled at Fluff and shook her paw. Lola and Oscar went off on their honeymoon, and the rest of the guests went home, happy that they had participated in the lovely nuptials.

While Fluff was watching the news that evening, however, a strange item appeared: “This just in: Wayne Newton, released from a residential treatment facility just three days ago, has appeared suddenly three thousand miles away in New Jersey in a public restroom not far from Atlantic City. His condition is unclear at the moment, but witnesses claim that he looked extremely disheveled and was attempting to burn down the restroom with wet matches that wouldn’t hold a flame. We will report more as this strange story unfolds.”

Fluff snapped off the television, looked to Friedrick, smiled, and said, “You know how seeing such displays makes me want to eat guava flavored pudding. I think we might have some.”

Friedrick bared his teeth, nodded, then said, “Let us not become grasshoppers on the wall. Let us become butterflies of ice cream, floating away from the sun.” And that was that.

Thank you one and all, once again, for participating in this story of loveliness. Await our next tale of derring-do and danger when Friedrick and Fluff visit Germany for Sports and Love. This story has been brought to you by the letters W and N, and Jell-O™ Pudding snacks new Guava flavor. Remember not to be a slug on the bench, but to be a firefly on a branch.

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Friedrick and Fluff: Greatest Hits!

It has come to my attention that there are some people interested in the most intriguing, most amusing, and most ridiculous stories of the Friedrick and Fluff Variety. In order to accomodate those people who might want to look at a highlight reel, here are the links to my most favoritest tales of grandeur and adventure.

What? "Favoritest" is totally a word.

1. In Which the Tales Begin

2. In Which the Tales Continue

3. In Which the Tales Continue. Again

4. In Which the Tales Continue to Continue

Okay, I am tired of those. How about some other memorable events in the strange, unusual world where Friedrick and Fluff live?

5. In Which Dunder Heads Invade

6. In Which a Press Conference and Idiocy Ensues

7. In Which Political Parties Dominate

8. In Which Our Favorite Presidential Candidates Also Become Olympians

9. In Which the Election is Finished

10. In Which There is an Inaguration

Wodin loves these stories, and she particularly enjoys the ones in which she plays a large role. For the last story, here is a particularly memorable story of her own.

11. In Which Wodin Loses Her Mind and Her Teeth

"What a crock," you may say. "Where's the new post?" Well, a new post is in the works, but like Wayne Newton's hairplugs, it takes a while for the new ideas to take root. Be patient, and enjoy the posts that are here for the reading.

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Wedding Dress Shopping With Lola

Yes, folks, it’s true: Lovely Lola was getting Married! There were many things she had to do: she had to pick a dress; she had to pick bridesmaids dresses; she had to pick bridesmaids. The one thing she didn’t need to pick was the groom. That was Oscar Olvidadizo, a tall, dark, handsome man Lola was head-over-heals-in-love with. So head-over-heels that there were times when she was talking to him on the phone that she would spontaneously turn a series of somersaults. This was a problem because she would get tangled in the phone cord. It was for this reason she switched to using a cordless phone or a cell phone in all of their telephone interactions, not because she was afraid of electric shock from the outlets, as has been reported by several news outlets; you should know better than to listen to rumors propagated by Inside Edition and Current Affair! Shame on you! Ahem. Where was I? Ah! Right here:

So finally Lola decided Wodin the Wise should be a bridesmaid, as should her Lovely sister, Claudette the Crazy, as well as Fluff. Lola was a little nervous to ask Fluff to be a bridesmaid on account of Fluff’s fame as a tenacious teddy bear and all, but when Lola asked her, Fluff just chucked Lola on the chin lightly and said, “Golly, li’l lady, I’se shore glad yeh asked me! Ah’d be honored as spit on a cricket to be your bridesmaid!” Lola smiled politely, then frowned as she turned away, because she had no idea if it was a good thing to be “as honored as spit on a cricket,” but Fluff had been smiling, so Lola just shrugged and decided to commence the search for the Perfect Dress.

Now, the Perfect Dress had several requirements: It had to be long, but not so long as to touch the floor—it had to just brush the tops of her shoes (which she also had to pick out). It also had to have three layers of ruffles, but it was more in fashion to have four. She wanted it to have bows all down the back, but that wouldn’t fit with the row of buttons she wanted. So she began to think that maybe her dress should have bows that covered each button, but she couldn’t decide. So she asked her Lovely Mother, Claudette, Wodin, and Fluff to join her in the hunt for the Perfect Dress.

It was a Saturday, bright and early, and Lola hadn’t slept all night in excitement and anticipation of traveling in search of the Perfect Dress. She dashed down the stairs, out the door and…

Slid on a patch of ice as long as the front walk. Lola wobbled. She bobbled. And eventually she hobbled. Hobbled, that is, because she twisted her ankle on the ice and she had to hobble back into the house. Her injury did not deter her, however, from her planned search. The ice, however, might have. But she had learned a great deal from Fluff, not the least of which was how to be tenacious. But more importantly, she had learned the Toilet Travel Method of getting from one point to another.

So, despite the ice, Lola grabbed her mother and bridesmaids and forcefully flushed them all to the first bridal shop on their list: Little Shop of Whores. It sounded scandalous, and it was. It had dresses that Lola would never have dreamed of putting on a Barbie, much less herself. Some of the dresses would have made Paris Hilton ask for more fabric. Lola and her entourage left as soon as they entered, all of them blushing furiously as they flushed themselves to their next destination: Ye Olde Shoppe of Bridal Trousseaux.

It was just darling! There were flounces, lacy bits, ribbons, and buttons galore. Lola reveled in the dresses. Wodin was easily distracted by the mother of pearl buttons on one dress, and Claudette kept trying on shoes, seeing which ones would make her taller than Stan (who, though not there, was the tallest of any of them). Claudette found one pair of nice stilettos that definitely made her taller than Stan, but they were also impossible to walk in. “I’m like a Spice Girl!” Claudette exclaimed while looking in the mirror. Wodin only momentarily looked over, but then was absorbed in the shiny buttons once again. Lovely Mother was busy looking at price tags, frowning, and saying things like, “Hmph. White dresses… Hmph. Weddings… snarbble grabble flax…Hmph.”

Fluff was moving quickly, though, and before they had been in the store five minutes, she had a pile of dresses taller than Lola stacked outside of a dressing room, and she was poking and prodding Lola into the dressing room, despite Lola’s protests that she wanted to look at other gowns. The first one made Lola look like a white frosted cupcake. Then next one made her look like a dollop of whipped cream on top of a sundae. And the third, in her words, made her “look like a pastry! A big, white, killer pastry on the loose!”

When she emerged from the dressing room in the fourth one, Claudette giggled, then poked Wodin in the ribs, who looked, and then giggled, and then looked at Lovely Mother, who was already giggling, and then Fluff keeled over laughing. “Stay…. Stay… Stay…!” was all Fluff could get out, but they all knew what Fluff meant was, “You look like the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man, if only he were female and not wearing that silly hat in that movie!”

Lola huffily took off her puffy dress, and then began snuffling and wailing, “I’ll never get meeee a dreesssssss!” Fluff had the presence of mind, despite her ongoing giggles, to help Lola out of her dress before she ruined it with tears.

When Lola was properly dressed again, she grabbed her friends and family and directed them to flush themselves to the next store on their list: Dress ‘N’ Bride.

Lola exited the on-premises restroom, and immediately sighed—she was in love! The store was covered in a white marble façade, inside and out. There were columns and arches, all of them marble. Each dress style had its own alcove, complete with lighting and rotating mannequin. If you wanted to try on the dress, you had to ask the proprietor, Bridal Shop Betty. Betty’s store was rather large, and so she traveled from one end to the other on an alabaster skateboard (Betty was very hip).

When the Bridal Entourage entered, Bridal Betty beamed and bounced up to them: “Who is the lovely bride? Oh, it must be this Lovely one right here; I can always tell a mile away; the bride is always the one with the goofy smile; which style do you like best, dear? Let me know if there’s anything you like; I carry all designers, fashions, and peculiar styles you could possibly want; I even have dresses that look like outfits on the Jetson’s (The Jetson’s was a popular bridal theme a few years ago); what’s your theme, dear?” However, Betty continued to ramble on without waiting for an answer, but Lola knew immediately which dress she wanted, for she could see it on a pedestal in an alcove near the back of the show room.

The desired dress was beautiful in Lola’s eyes: it had a long skirt, but it didn’t hit the floor. As it rotated, she could see that there were little ribbons tied in bows all down the back, and there were three layers of flounces on the skirt of the dress. She was in love. Eyes wide and mouth open, Lola simply walked up to the display and touched the sleeve of the dress. Fluff walked up, looked at the dress, looked up at Lola, then snapped, “Shut your mouth; you’ll catch flies.” Lola looked down, then shut her mouth quickly. Then she opened it again to say, “I want to try on this one.” Betty zoomed over on her alabaster skateboard, wrote down the model number, then called on her headset to the back room, “Wendy, we need dress A238J1 in a size 62 and ¾.” She then grabbed Lola’s elbow and dragged her towards a dressing room; Lola kept looking back over her shoulder, gaping at her dream dress. Lovely Mother looked at the price tag and began to grind her teeth. Claudette began perusing the shoes again, and Wodin became mesmerized with the tiara collection. Fluff followed Lola and Betty to the dressing room.

From the back, a rather block shaped woman in a blue dress brought the dress out. Fluff couldn’t see the woman behind the layers of ruffles, but there was something in how she said, “Here’s model A238J1 in a 62 and ¾,” that sounded familiar. When Lola took the dress, she turned and went into the dressing room, but Fluff looked closely at the block-shaped woman, and detected a distinct five-o’clock shadow. Fluff’s eyes narrowed. It wasn’t that she disliked cross-dressers (she had known many a cross-dresser during her time in Vegas), but this one looked more than familiar. In catching each other’s eye, the block-shaped wo(man) winked at Fluff, who jumped back in shock. Then, a split second later, Fluff realized that it hadn’t been a wink—it had been a twitch! The only person Fluff knew who twitched at the sight of a tenacious teddy bear was none other than Wayne Newton!

The Disguised Wayne turned and began to go back to the back room, and Fluff frowned. “Lola,” she called into the dressing room, “wait a minute to try on the dress. There is something strange afoot at the Circle K…” and she followed the Masquerading Wendy into the stock room.

Because of her soft fluffy feet, Fluff made nary a sound. Once in the stock room, Fluff ducked behind a dress that looked remarkably like the Stay-Puft dress of the last shop and watched as Wendy removed her wig to fully reveal herself as Wayne. “Hahahahaha!” cackled Wayne. “I will let that silly Lola girl try on this dress in the proper size, but then on the day of the wedding when she goes to put it on, I will have ordered the incorrect alterations! My plan, she is brilliant!” Wayne continued cackling, and then began to prance and hum “Tip-toe Through the Tulips,” which, if you remember correctly, was the very song that Fluff and Friedrick had once tap-danced to. In fact, they had tap-danced on Wayne Newton’s forehead to that song. Fluff, for the second time in this story, narrowed her eyes, and muttered to herself, “That’s the last tip-toe you’ll tulip on… I mean, that’s the last tulip you’ll tip-toe on, Wayne, buddy!” She then ducked back to the dressing room to tell Lola to go ahead and try on the dress.

Lola tried on the dress, and she left the dressing room to the oohs and aahs of her Bridal Entourage. Fluff, however, kept a wary eye out for the treacherous Wayne/Wendy. Fluff had a plan: She would go to the reactor at the center of the Death Star and turn off the tractor beam so that Han, Luck, Leia, and Chewbacca (of course Chewbacca) and the droids could escape without detection and then Obi Wan and Darth would… Oops. That’s the other story Fluff has constantly running through her head. What she really had planned was this:

She was going to ask Betty for one size smaller, just so that Wendy/Wayne would be forced to come back out, and then, Fluff would climb the Villain of Vegas, rip off his wig to expose his identity and forehead, and then tap-dance on his forehead until he was unconscious. It was a beautiful plan.

Lola was doing one more twirl when Fluff hollered, “Betty, let’s see this bad boy in a 61 and ¾, okay?” Lola frowned. “But this one fits perfectly.” Fluff grinned tightly, baring her sharp bear’s teeth (yes, she is a teddy bear, but she is still a bear, after all). “I just want to see a smaller size, okay?” she said through her clenched teeth. Lola looked frightened; she had never seen Fluff with all of her teeth showing before. Lola simply nodded.

In the meantime, Betty had called back to “Wendy” in the back room to bring a smaller size. Wendy brought out the dress, and as soon as she/he had hung it on the rack, Fluff growled, then leapt up and tackled Wendy to the floor, and ripped off the wig. Betty gasped. It was a loud enough sound to bring Wodin out of her tiara-induced stupor and look over. Claudette wobbled on really tall shoes and looked over. Lovely Mother stopped balancing her checkbook and looked up. Lola peeked around the door of the dressing room (she was only wearing a slip).

Standing on the dazed Wendy’s forehead, Fluff held the wig over her fluffy head and proclaimed, “Wendy is really Wayne!” A collective gasp rose from the Bridal Entourage, and Betty simply said, “Who?”

Wayne began to whimper. Fluff sneered. “Wayne wanted to ruin your wedding, Lola, to get back at me and Friedrick. But I refuse to let this happen. Not when I was as honored as spit on a cricket to be a bridesmaid.”

Wayne began to beg, “Please, Ms. Fluff, please, not the tap-dancing. Not the tap-dancing!” His begging turned to hysterical screaming: “No tap-dancing! No taps!” Fluff bared her teeth, then grabbed a pair of very tall, pointy shoes and began to tap-dance on Wayne Newton’s forehead. As she tapped, Claudette and Wodin began to sing “Tip-toe Through the Tulips.” Their singing was quite nice. When Wayne was unconscious, Fluff, Wodin, and Claudette dragged his limp body to the toilet and flushed with all their might. Lola changed her clothes, and Lovely Mother signed the check. Claudette then looked at the shoes Fluff had danced in and said, “Hey, I think these are the perfect shoes for the bridesmaids! Let’s get three pairs!” And so it was done.

That night, as the Bridal Entourage lay on the couch in a pizza-induced stupor watching the evening news, they took notice of an interesting item:

Dan Rather shifted his gaze to another camera, and said, “Strange news in the world of Wayne Newton this evening. Wayne was found in the bathroom of the Mirage casino in Las Vegas dressed in a woman’s dress and bearing what appeared to be bruises in the shape of shoe prints on his forehead. He was admitted to a local area hospital where his current status in unknown. According to witnesses, he was rambling incoherently about wedding dresses.” Dan Rather looked back at the first camera. “This is the latest in a string of unusual incidents surrounding the Las Vegas singer, best known for his rendition of “Danke Schon.” As Dan Rather began to report on other news, Fluff reached for the remote and turned it off.

She smiled sweetly and said, “I’ll be a tick on a deer if I’ll let Wayne get the better of me.” Lola nodded, and the rest of them patted their full bellies. It had been a successful day.


Stay tuned for next time, when the Wedding Takes Over, Lola cries on Merv’s shoulder, the bridesmaids revolt, and Friedrick buys a gift.

Brought to you by the letter F, the number 2, and the Friedrick and Fluff Variety Show (What? If Nick and Jessica can have their own Variety Show, why not Friedrick and Fluff?)

And that is that.

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A Wedding!

I know that you all want to read about Lola's Wedding, but it shall have to wait. I myself was in attendance, and I can verify that there were some strange things afoot at the Cirkle K, or some such nonsense. Truly, it was an event I shall never forget. A full report will be here shortly.

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A Very Lola Engagement

Lovely Lola had ceased to be Hermana Lovely, and had returned to be Lola again, and had begun practicing her Spanish with anyone who would respond. She often frustrated her sister Claudette the Crazy by speaking in Spanish—in her sleep. It kept Claudette awake at night, listening over and over to things like, “El pollo es gordo…” and other such ramblings. Claudette would throw pillows at Lola, but Lola was a deep sleeper.

Lola’s Gordon the Goob was now Elder Goob, and was very busy with other things, and was unavailable to speak Spanish to her. This made her very sad, but alas, we cannot always have what we want, can we? Especially when we dream of having a tall handsome Wookie feed us peeled grapes. Ahem. That happens to be what Fluff wants, but back to the story.

Lola went to events where Spanish was spoken, and she found herself having quite the grand time. She mixed. She mingled. And, occasionally, she mangled. Her Spanish, that is. She wasn’t perfect, but she always learned something new.

One day close to Christmas, as she was enjoying her time at a Mexican luncheon, she noticed a tall dark handsome stranger at a nearby table. “Hot Cha!” Lola thought. “Maybe I can meet him…” She began to wish very hard that she might meet Mystery Man. She closed her eyes and began muttering unintelligibly in a mixture of Spanish and English.

Just as she was muttering, “Where is the camel?”, lo and behold, who should arrive on the scene but Merv, the Fairy God-Cabbie!

“Aw, jeez…” Merv groaned as he noticed he was wearing a large colorful sombrero and holding a pair of maracas. He was still wearing his tutu. Then he looked down at Lola. “You again? Why is it always you?”

Lola looked around, but no one seemed to notice that Merv had appeared from nowhere. She whispered, “Hola. I need your help. I want to meet him. Muy guapo!”

Merv stared at Lola a moment, then rolled his eyes, muttering, “Oy vey.” Then he held her face in his ands, pinching her cheeks slightly as he did so, in order to have Lola looking him in the eyes instead of drooling over the Mystery Man. “Listen, Lila, Lulu, or whateveh yeh name is: If you wink twice with your left eye, you will be able to meet him.” And then Merv was gone in a puff of smoke that smelled suspiciously like Cuban cigars and cumin.

Lola concentrated; winking was a difficult task, and she did not want to do it incorrectly. Slowly, she winked once, then a second time, and… Nothing happened. The Mystery Man did not notice, and he did not magically stand up, run to her, and whisper sweet nothings in her ear.

Lola was furious with Merv, the Fairie God-Cabbie. “He lied!” she seethed. Here eyes glowered and she felt her jaw clench in anger. “I will find that cabbie and get him, if it’s the last thing I do!” Lola was not happy.

As she seethed, however, she began to twist her hair, as she was wont to do when she was frustrated, angry, sleeping, eating, singing, or playing hopscotch. She continued her hair twisting, name calling, and obscenity muttering until, sad but true, she had twisted half of her hair into one large knot! As she noticed this, she realized that, finally, the Mystery Man had looked her way, and was now smiling curiously at her strange coiffure. Lola wanted to cry. She wanted to die. She wanted to crawl in a hole and sleep until the Mystery Man was gone and no longer laughing at her. She looked down in her lap, trying not to cry.

Behind her, in a soft voice, she heard a whisper: “Siempre me encuentro sin cepillo.” This was Spanish. Which only makes sense at a Mexican luncheon. But I do not speak Spanish. Luckily for me, you, and the people who believe Spanish is the name of an exotic dancer and not a language, Lola included a translation for us. What he said, really was “I always find myself without a brush.”

Lola swooned. He had noticed her predicament! He had noticed her hair, and he had offered to help! She felt quite lovely, indeed, bad hair notwithstanding. He proceeded to sit down next to her, and help her detangle her hair. They spoke, chatted, conversed and canoodled, during which time, Lola learned the Mystery Man’s name: Oscar Olvidadizo. (Lola at first refused to translate this name for me, but apparently it means Oscar the Grouch. What? I can’t hear you! Lalalalalalala! Okay, Lola has insisted that I tell the truth: “Oscar” is Spanish for “Oscar” and “Olvidadizo” is Spanish for “Forgetful.” So the truth is that his name means Forgetful Oscar. Time will tell if he is, indeed, forgetful.)

While she eventually translated the name for the benefit of the readership, she refused to give me a blow-by-blow account of their conversation. Seeing as that is the case, I shall have to construct dialogue for them myself. (See? This is what happens when you ignore perfectly reasonable requests, LOLA.)

He said: Your eyes are lovely.
She said: Yours are, too!
He said: Why, thank you! Would you like to marry me?
She said: Well, can I think about it? I just met you.
He said: Well, how about if I give you five minutes?
She said: Okay.

******

Five minutes later…
She said: Okay.
He said: “Okay” what?
She said: “Okay” I will marry you.
He said: Really?
She said: (smiles and nods)
He said: Congratulations!
She said: I must thank Merv.
He said: (quizzical look)

******

And so, just like that, Lovely Lola was engaged to Oscar Olvidadizo. Lovely Lola had found herself a Lovely Fiancée. She was swept off her feet when he whispered to her, “Siempre me encuentro sin cepillo.” And the world rejoiced. Or, at least, her friends and family did.

And Lola was happy. Until she realized this meant planning a Wedding. As New Year’s approached, Lola began to think of themes for her wedding. She looked back at her sister Claudette’s wedding, and remembered that Claudette had incorporated a Friedrick and Fluff Theme to her wedding. Lola frowned. She also remembered, all too well, how disastrously the Underwater Theme worked. She tried to remember Masked Mal’s wedding, and what theme that entailed. Looking back through her journals of the misty event, it appeared that Mal had developed a “Costumes by Merv” theme.

“Hmmm…” Lola mused. “No Friedrick and Fluff theme, and no “Costumes by Merv” theme; whatever shall I do?” And she began to wail miserably. She did not notice the fireworks outside celebrating the New Year, and that one had landed on the roof of her Lovely Home. She continued stewing about her dilemma, feeling as though her head were covered in a woolen sock, because not only was she having difficulty thinking, but now she was having difficulty seeing, and breathing. That was odd, she thought.

Just then, in a puff of smoke, Wodin burst into the room. “Quick!” she yelled at Lola. “The roof! The roof! The roof is on fire!” Ahem. Actually, she said, “”Lo! The fire has descended upon this dwelling! It is necessary that we run! But not faster than we have strength, of course!” So Wodin and Lola began running, snagging the sleeping Claudette as they did (Why was Claudette sleeping in the middle of the day? you may ask? Because Lola spoke in her sleep, preventing Claudette from getting her nighttime repose, that’s why! Didn’t I already explain that?).

As Lola, Wodin, and Claudette waited for the fire department, Lola had an epiphany. She saw a light above her (although some would claim it was simply flames from the fire, but that is just THEIR version of events), and in that light, she saw Friedrick and Fluff wearing firemen hats and wearing red suspenders. It was then that Lola knew: her wedding would be Firefighter Themed! And lo, some good came from this tragic tragedy. Besides, the firemen who arrived were exceedingly cute, and yea, Wodin and Claudette did flirt. Lola would have, but she was too busy planning her wedding.

And that was that.

Stay tuned for next week’s party in a box, when Wodin loses her mind, Lola tries on a thousand wedding dresses, Claudette finds the perfect pair of shoes, and Fluff tap dances upon Wayne Newton’s head yet again.

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